28 February 2011


Maybe I should have provided some help if you want to read more of my rantings/ravings/ramblings on the Twitter. I'm @baconjess.

Did I do that right?

I think this means I get my life back.

Work might have something to say about that, but at least this fucking wedding bullshit is over. Thank you Jebus.

My hair and nails looked fabulous, as did my makeup. I didn't pay anything for the hair and nails, though I did get my stylist/old friend a thank you gift. I didn't pay anything for my makeup, either, because I did it myself. My sister paid $15 to look like an Oompa Loompa. Sucker. She did fix it, though.

The problem with my hair and makeup looking fabulous was that my aunts all told me I looked "so pretty, so feminine, so soft." Apparently, my hair and makeup generally look really harsh. My hair, which had three times as much product (like, you could see the hairspray all flaky in some places) in it as it usually does and was dull, looked way better than it normally does. Same with my eye makeup; I had on more than usual, but it looked prettier or girlier or something.

Thank you, aunties. You made me feel like absolute shit. I'm glad to know you think I look like some sort of drag queen or something most of the time. Really, I appreciate it. Never mind that several of them thought I had my hair done on Friday and they were telling me how nice it looked.

Now I get to question every hair and makeup decision I make. I really feel like shit about this.

What else? Oh my God, the DJ was fucking terrible. My aunt actually yelled at him because he was playing such shitty music. I was making requests, but to no avail (though, I got to hear some Bee Gees early on. SWEET). Seriously, it was the worst wedding DJ I can remember. It's sad, because my family loves to dance. The only time he played good songs was during a game or a "only these people dancing" times. What. Ever.

I got to spend a good part of the evening hanging out with one of my oldest, dearest friends. I had some dude either hit me for no reason or mistake the small of my back for my ass. Dude, hitting is wrong. Smacking your friend's sister on the ass in front of him is also wrong.

Pictures were mercifully short, save for the ones we took outside. Those were less bad because the photographer, clearly a seasoned professional, waited until we had a few drinks to take them. We still complained an awful lot.

I have bruises, welts and raw areas from my dress and bra. Yet, my dress was falling down all day. I tried boob-taping it to my bra and boob-taping it to my skin, but neither worked. Probably because it was ridiculously heavy.

So, it's over and I can't think of any other big things that happened. I'm getting really excited for the Mardi Gras party on Friday. Work might kill me this week, though. Chicken Little is out and the only other researcher on my team will be out because his brother died. I'm fucked.

27 February 2011

24 February 2011

Damn you, tiny bladder.

I had a massage tonight at the Aveda Institute. It was quite delightful, save for the fact that I had to pee during most of it. Goddamn it. Despite my bladder issues, I still was almost falling asleep half the time.

You know you're getting a good massage when she gets in there with her elbows. Man, it hurt in the best possible way. Unlike when I had some massage therapy for my Achilles tendinitis. When the physical therapist was working on my ankle, it would hurt so bad I would involuntarily cry. But when he was done, it felt so great.

So that went well. It was cheap, because I had my $15 off. There was no tipping option, though. I felt bad about that. I'm glad I'll be getting another one in a couple of weeks. This time, I'll be sure to pee before I go in.

I've been trying to type this out, but it's taking me forever. My suitcase ain't gonna pack itself.

22 February 2011

It was even worse than I thought it might be.

Jesus H. Christ, did I have an unpleasant day today. It took me a full hour to get to work today. Granted, 20 minutes of that was spent walking (slipping, sliding and climbing) to my car. But it normally takes me 15 minutes to drive to work. Not today. And for no reason in particular. Lovely.

It only got better once I got to work. The compressed file I'd sent to my work e-mail that contained all the work I'd done over the weekend wouldn't open. My 9:00 a.m. call wasn't calling me and didn't answer when I called her. I couldn't find a file I needed to finish up the project I'd been working on all weekend. Chicken Little was calling me and tying up my damn phone line.

Eventually, calls were made, file was found and I headed home. I decided I wasn't going back to the office. Then I decided I wasn't going to the gym. I managed to get out for some Kleenex, and just finished working about an hour ago. Things feel a bit more under control, but I don't expect that feeling to last.

We had a conference call with a client this afternoon about a project we did months ago -- the first run of it was more than a year ago. Chicken Little had bitched to me about it a number of times over the past few days. Just in case I wasn't feeling the same way/didn't get it the first time, I figure. I generally agreed with the bitching. It seemed unnecessary to just sit there and have them yell at us and then tell us they wanted out of their agreement or whatever.

Now, I was on my mobile and had a very difficult time hearing much of the conversation (except, of course, for the others on the phone; their words were like loud knives in my eardrums), but it seems they're not only staying on as clients, they want to continue with this Project of Horribleness. Except we'll do it on a slightly more loose schedule.

I didn't catch a lot of their complaints, and quite frankly, I kinda stopped listening after one know-it-all said two things I'd written were "clearly written by different people." Nice try, Smarty Pants.

Whatever. It'll be months before anything happens with that. Allegedly. I felt a bit sick listening to our sales rep talk to them. She was in their office, so I couldn't see if she was on her knees, licking their boots, but Jesus was it obsequious.

Even though I worked until 8:00ish, I've managed to get a few things done tonight. I dug out my suitcase and started packing for the weekend. I've got bra and fishnets packed for the wedding proper. Friday night rehearsal dinner outfit packed. I could throw in jammies and I'd be essentially done. I'll only need something to wear to get my hair done and then home Sunday. And much of that can be what I wear down there on Friday.

I also wrapped part of The Boy's birthday present. I figure I'll give him that when we hang out tomorrow night and will give him the rest when I see him after his birthday Sunday (I'm hoping I can get over there when I get back to town, but that's going to depend on a lot of things). I'm glad I got home very early and was able to park right outside the door, because that fucking thing is heavy as shit. I wouldn't want to have to walk much of any distance with it.

There are more things I could be doing -- like the dishes. And I might yet, but I should be able to find some time to get them done between (I just realized I needed a side for lunch tomorrow and went to throw some broccoli in the oven. Yay, easy side dishes!) now and when I leave. I hope. Probably before I get my massage on Thursday. I know I won't want to do it after.

The countdown continues on. I'm concerned about not getting to the gym before the wedding. That could lead to a lot of stress. But the massage should help with that. And I had such a great workout yesterday -- an hour and a half at the gym with 20 minutes of snow-walking in the wind before an after. Oh well. I'll manage somehow.

21 February 2011

At least I only have to work three days this week?

That's the one bonus I can think of about having to head out of town for this wedding. Never mind that I worked every day this weekend. I'll probably have to work when I get back to town on Sunday, too. That'll be sweet.

I've had an impending sense of dread since Saturday. I think part of that was due to the snow and all that brought with it. As it turns out, I'll be spending $18 on parking my car for two days so as to avoid getting stuck/towed/buried. I went for a drive after I worked out today, but there didn't appear to be any decent places to park. The streets where the even side had been plowed a bit were so narrow I wasn't sure I'd be able to get down the street in the morning to get out. The rest of the streets were ruts and snowbanks. I nearly got stuck several times; I had to roll through pretty much every stop sign. That's always lovely. I figured a 15-minute walk to my car in the morning was preferable to digging out my car. Either way, I'd have to get up early.

One other good thing was that my sister decided to cancel my birthday dinner. Why she couldn't have just done it last night was beyond me. Instead, I had to wait all day to do the things I wanted so as to not fuck up the schedule. The same thing happened yesterday. Fucking snow. Always fucking everything up.

When I spoke to my sister earlier about the canceled dinner, she mentioned my brother was super stressed out about the wedding; to the extent that he's neither eating nor sleeping. What the fuck? IT'S JUST ONE FUCKING DAY. That right there is perfectly emblematic of everything I think is ridiculous about weddings. It's one goddamn day. Isn't this supposed to be about the rest of your life together? Jesus fucking Christ.

The problem (or, one of them, anyway)? Someone in the bridal party and the date of someone else in the bridal party have some sort of history. From high school. There is apparently concern that the date might start shit with the person with whom she had a history in high school.

Sweet buttery Christ. There is not enough booze in the world for me to deal with this shit.

I've started the countdown, though. It'll all be over in less than a week. I'll get through this. Somehow.

20 February 2011

Screw you, Winter Wonderland.

This shit is wearing me down, y'all. Any other week, it might not have bothered me as much, but this weekend was not the weekend for it to happen. Because of this fan-fucking-tastic snowstorm, I won't get to really see The Boy I Currently Like for ... like, three or four weeks. He was here Friday for my party, but that's hardly quality time. I have the wedding this upcoming weekend. I'd planned to try to see him when I get back next Sunday night, for his birthday, because I was taking Monday off work. However, stupid fucking Chicken Little decided to take that week off, so I have to work Monday. Motherfucker, you knew I'd requested that day off. Fuck you.

So, he'll be here for the Mardi Gras party in roughly two weeks, but again, not exactly quality time. And he'll have to hang out with his buddy to play video games on Saturday, because that's how this shit works. He's been around longer and just because they'll be hanging out at my place on Friday night for Mardi Gras festivities doesn't mean they'll get their regular male-bonding time. I know it and I accept and 95 percent of the time, it's totally cool. But that goddamn motherfucking wedding is just ruining everything else for me.

I got my car out from in front of my building with zero problems late this afternoon. That's because I got it out before the plows had gone by and packed it in. Though, I think I've seen/heard all of one plow go by thus far today. I'd been debating about whether to move it to a side street or take it to the parking ramp. I took it to the ramp, if for no other reason than it'll make me go to the gym tomorrow. Shit, if I'm going to get my car, I might as well go to the gym while I'm there. Lord knows walking back from there in several inches of snow on non-shoveled sidewalks, into a very stiff wind, I at least go a little bit of exercise today.

Not sure what I'll do tomorrow, though. We won't have a snow emergency called until then. Though, what I noted on my walk back from Calhoun Square was that the side streets didn't seem too bad. They were better for walking than the sidewalks. Once the snow emergency is called and the winter parking restrictions lifted, I can move to a side street. Hopefully I won't get stuck. I have a meeting first thing Tuesday morning.

One good thing about the weather, though: I might not have to do my birthday dinner with my siblings, nephew and SILTB tomorrow. That would make me happy. I'd really like to not see any of them until I have to for the rehearsal on Friday. Or lunch. I guess I'll have to see some of them then. Oh well. It'll all be over in a week. I can do this. As long as I have plenty o' booze.

In the meantime, enjoy some more photos of my misery. I took all of these from my front steps a couple of hours ago.

19 February 2011

I've had enough of you, Old Man Winter.

My birthday was pretty great. Aside from having to work, being tired and having a lot of prep to do, the party turned out decent. There were never more people here than I have seating for (eight, if you count the ottoman for the glider ... and I count that because people use it). People cycled in and out over many hours. According to Law Talkin' Gal, the vibe was pretty sweet all night. At least while she was here, anyway.

The food rocked -- there was just one bacon-wrapped brat left when I cleaned up; most of the cake was gone. Though, I do have a lot of booze left. Fortunately, I'm having a Mardi Gras party in two weeks, with more people here. That'll help get rid of some of this bourbon I got for my birthday:

I tried to extend my birthday fun today. I got in a happy hour at the Indy with Law Talkin' Gal, after we went to MAC to get me some makeup for the wedding. I also stopped at Penzeys to get some herbs and other things for cooking and baking.

The baking supplies were necessary because I'm afraid I may end up stuck at home tomorrow, instead of hanging out with The Boy I Currently Like. We're supposed to get anywhere from nine to 14 inches of snow tomorrow. Driving conditions are supposed to be really terrible in the afternoon and evening. I'm trying to plan for being stuck at home, because the idea of not getting to hang out with The Boy on my birthday weekend (aside from him coming over last night) makes me very unhappy; especially because I won't get to see him next weekend because of that goddamn wedding.

Why you gotta do me like that, Old Man Winter? WHY?

17 February 2011

I really tried.

I did, I swear. However, this week got the best of me and my apartment isn't going to be as tidy and clean as I was hoping for my birthday tomorrow. I made the choice to focus on food with my limited time. Sure, I'm off tomorrow afternoon, but I have a lot of errand-running to do and a lot of cooking.

Thankfully, I'll keep the lighting low; combine that with good food and lots of booze and I think people will not notice so much. Even if they do, they won't be assholes about pointing it out to my face. They might not even talk shit about my housekeeping skills/standards behind my back, because, unlike my family, they're not jerks.

I'm crabbier than I really want to be going into what's supposed to be a fun day, but I'm sure everything will be fine. I just need to get a little sleep.

16 February 2011

Can't think of a title for this post. It is about stuff.

Man, I so thought this was going to be an easy-going week. Someday I might learn that I can no longer expect those. We're short-staffed and busy and our clients want shit NOW. At least the hateful, we're-telling-you-Monday-morning-we-need-this-huge-project-tomorrow, is over. Or, my part of it is over. I think. I hope.

That project means I'm going to have to work this weekend. I could probably cut down on my weekend work if I worked the whole day on Friday, but goddammit, I want to take the afternoon of my birthday off. Of course, I'm taking it off mostly to get ready for the party I'm having later that night.

Turns out I really need that time, though. I'd had Big Plans to do a bunch of preparation each night this week, but I'm fucking wiped out and I'm not getting much done. By the time I get done at the gym, I don't have a whole lot of time, anyway. I'm especially getting pissed because I've been to Rainbow two consecutive nights and they don't have any dark cocoa powder, which I need to make my chocolate stout cake. In fact, they really didn't have any cocoa powder at all. How do you not have any? WHAT THE FUCK?

It's not like I shouldn't have time to work this weekend. We have Monday off, so I should have a good entire day to myself to work. I'm not entirely pleased that my sister insisted on us doing dinner for my birthday. I finally relented (and I'm making them come to Minneapolis; 'bout damn time they do), but I was really, really hoping I wouldn't have to see them until the day before the wedding.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to make a list of where I'm going to go, in the order I'm going there, and what I'll be buying at those places on my afternoon off Friday. Just gotta get through tomorrow, and with The List, I should be able to get in a nap Friday afternoon. Yeah, right.

14 February 2011

Thanks, suckers.

Because of everyone celebrating Valentine's Day, I was able to leave work and renew my driver's license, go to Target, work out and go to Trader Joe's and get home slightly earlier than I would have on a normal Monday night. Fuck and yes!

I'm quite lucky to have found a Boy I Currently Like who detests Valentine's Day as much as I do. Though, I was mildly concerned to find out we may have started celebrating V-D when I got to his house on Saturday. He had a surprise for me, that was either an early birthday present or an early Valentine's present.

He mentioned the latter because on Tuesday, he received a box of fancy chocolates from me. Except, he got them nearly a full week before V-D. Quite frankly, I was a little pissed that we'd a) apparently started celebrating Valentine's and b) I accidentally contributed to it. It made me feel gross. But after some consideration, I figured, hey -- it's not the worst thing in the world.

Then I got onto Facebook this morning and read things that made me want to retch -- especially what my brother wrote on SILTB's wall. Look, it's fine that you want to celebrate your love. Just keep it to yourself, for fuck's sake.

So, then I felt better about sending chocolates to The Boy just because I wanted to make him smile. Had I wanted them to be a Valentine's gift, or had I wanted to get him to give me a Valentine's gift, I would have been far more calculating about when I ordered the chocolates. I randomly get him these chocolates once a year or so, and I therefore know how long it takes from my ordering them to him getting them.

This entire rant goes out the window, too, when I admit I bought a $1 box of puppy and kitty valentines at Target tonight. However, I intend to give these to The Boy all year long, so as to show my affection. Though, I doubt they'll last until next year. I suppose I could get bored with giving him pictures of puppies and kittens, but I've been doing that for a long time already ...

Another thing that made me happy today (in a schadenfreude kind of way) was to hear someone fall on the icy sidewalk right outside my bathroom window while I was getting ready to take a shower this evening. Maybe something will get done about it and I won't have to walk past the building next door, through their parking lot and then back around to the back of our building to take out the trash or do the laundry. But then again, it's hard not to have that shit happen when it is close to 40 during the day and then freezes at night. Oh well.

Of course, I'm remembering my Grandma today. She was killed in a car accident 14 years ago today. This is the first year I've not spent the week prior to today in a horrible, weepy funk. Time does indeed make hurt less hurty.

13 February 2011


Oh my. A day of mid- to upper-40s after days of waking up to bone-chilling cold and frostbite-inducing wind feels magnificent. Things look so much better all of a sudden. Did I mention the days are getting noticeably longer, as well? YAY.

I used my warm afternoon to do some work on my deck. Every other year I've lived here, I've managed to keep it fairly clear during the winters. However, I didn't even bother trying to deal with it after that first big snowfall. Other years, the crew that does our sidewalk shoveling and whatnot often did my deck, as well. Not at all this year.

So, I figured the very warm temperature would help me clear some of the snow and ice off my deck. I need to do this because I'm having a small party on Friday to celebrate my birthday and my small fridge simply can't accommodate all the beer I'll need. And I don't want the smokers to have to go out front, so I need a place for them to stand.

This year, I decided I wanted The Boy I Currently Like to be a part of my birthday doings. Bars aren't the best for him, so I figured a small gathering of people he already knows at my place would be the best course of action.

Having a party this Friday is also kind of a dry run for my larger Mardi Gras party two weeks later. I figure it'll be good to have a lot of the cleaning and organizing done this weekend, since the following weekend is the wedding and I'll have to spend the pre-Mardi Gras party week cooking after I get home from the gym.

My deck clearing was a success. I mean, I can now get the door from the kitchen to the deck open, and there is plenty of room for people to stand around the beer. Since it's supposed to be warmer all week, I think it will get even better. Plus, I worked really hard. So, no big deal skipping the gym today.

I'm looking forward to cooking/baking a bunch of stuff for my friends and getting them (and me) drunk. This week is going to have to be not terrible. I can feel it in my bones! I hope.

10 February 2011


KayGee and I went to the customer appreciation event at the Aveda Institute tonight. I probably never would have gone if she hadn't suggested it. I mean, I wanted to, but that kind of thing really isn't fun by yourself. I've had invites to many MAC events and didn't go, because, what fun is it to go alone?

It seemed to be a roaring success. That place was packed. We got a card that needed to be marked off, and when we had everything, we got a free product. Fucking sweet!

We got hand massages, chair massages, a hair consultation (so didn't need that, but I got a question answered to my satisfaction) and a "sensory experience." The last item is basically just smelling some of their scents. I always have a hard time choosing, except apparently I picked the one that best suits my personality. I just have to remember for when I go in to get my birthday gift. I can't find it on the website right now.

KayGee also got a mini-facial. We missed out on the makeup application, because lines were so long. As it turns out, KayGee was the last person to get a mini-facial. Because I missed out, I got a gift card for $15 of a service. Are you fucking kidding me? That's infinitely more valuable than a seven-minute facial.

However, even though I didn't get my last check mark on my card (you got it when you go the service), they checked it anyway and I got my free product. It's huge for a sample -- 3.4 ounces. And, it's something I will use. Holy shit! That's absolutely crazy.

Did I mention we spun a wheel for prizes and both got $10 off a hair or skin service? And that anything you booked tonight through May 10 was 20 percent off? We scheduled 80-minute massages and facials. With the discount and the gift cards, I should only pay less than $70 for both. Holy awesome, man.

The girl who did my hand massage said the last time the Aveda Institute did one of these was four years ago. It seemed to be a success. All the people working appeared to be surprised by the number of people who showed up (I was too, quite frankly). Then again, people (myself included) love free shit. Though, I'm totally over free t-shirts. Free Aveda shit, though? Fuck and yes.

08 February 2011

Not just regular ol' back-to-back wins.

The Timberwolves just finished winning the second of back-to-back games, on the road. That's not just back-to-back wins; they played last night in New Orleans and tonight in Houston. And they won both games.


Did I mention they were without Darko Milicic, Luke Ridnour and Michael Beasley? Oh, and Martell Webster, too. And that Kevin Love now has the most consecutive double-double games in 25 years (he's at 38 now)?

I'm not ashamed of my love of the Wolves. Not at all. But shit like this makes me feel a little vindicated. All the times I tell people that they are competitive and they are fun to watch? It's shit like this I'm talking about.

07 February 2011

Not the way I wanted to start off the week.

I stayed out a bit later than I should have last night and maybe shouldn't have done that shot Macho Man bought for all of us (in my defense, it was Maker's Mark and it was free). Had I known that I'd end up working until 10:30 tonight, I would have gone with my first instinct to watch the Super Bowl from home. Oh well. What's done is done and all that.

The good thing about all the work today is that this is going to be the worst part of the week. Or, at least that's how it stands now. I'm sure that can and will change. Tomorrow's butt-ass cold isn't going to help matters any.

I feel pretty gross about skipping the gym tonight, but it's just one night. I'll be totally stoked to workout tomorrow night. Mondays are out of control, anyway. God, when will the Resolutionaries give up and stay home on their couches? When can I get my life back?

As it stands right now, KayGee and I are going to get some pampering done at the Aveda Institute on Thursday night. There will be chair massages, mini-facials and other stuff. Yay! That's another no-gym night, probably, but three or four days a week is more than most fucking people do. Yeesh.

One nice thing about skipping the gym to work tonight was that I got to see the Wolves win a game -- on the road, even! Speaking of the Wolves, I'm very excited that KLOVE made the all-star team. Granted, it was a back-door, end-around appearance on the team, but it's better than him not making it at all.

I'm gonna stop here for now, as I am ever so tired. But, before I do that, I feel as if I should thank Jill from Brilliant at Breakfast for including this li'l ol' blog on her Blogroll Amnesty Day post. And since it was reposted there, driftglass, as well. Thankfully, all I have to live up to is having a blog with an interesting? funny? something? name. That's about all I can handle right now.

06 February 2011


What is the point of going to a bachelorette party you do not want to attend if you can't even get drunk? I tried. Oh Lord, how I tried. And I think I'm buzzing now, but more than anything, I got tired.

The food at the comedy club wasn't terrible -- the garlic mashed potatoes were tasty. But the swordfish? A little salt and pepper wouldn't kill anyone, would it? Drinks were watered down and fucking expensive.

After the comedy club, guess what happened? We sat in the car and no one could think of what they wanted to do. We started driving after a while, just so there was some sort of impetus for us to make a decision -- any decision. Gosh, who thought that a lack of a plan would be a bad thing? Oh, that's right. Me.

Honestly, the most exciting thing about today was all the new underwear I bought at Kohl's. At least the money I spent there got me something. I spent a shitload of money tonight and barely got drunk.

But this is the last big thing before the actual wedding weekend. My sister was trying to schedule a birthday dinner again with me. I keep trying to say I don't want to do it, but apparently that's not good enough. Then again, nothing ever is with my family.

03 February 2011

So, I have a new blog.

Perhaps it's the ridiculous amount of snow we've received this year. Or maybe I'm just noticing it more because I'm so cranky this winter. Whatever the reason, I've noticed SO many people parking like jackasses more than normal.

Last night, I posted a Facebook status update to that effect last night. Actually, I posted that I was considering starting a blog called "That's not a parking spot, asshole." I was heartened by the response, or possibly goaded by some wine, and I just decided to start it.

I managed to find a culprit this very morning when I got to the office. It was, in fact, jackasses at work and the gym who drove me to it.

So, check it out. Submit your own photos of jackasses parking like douchenozzles. I'm still considering submission rules, so for now it's pretty open.

01 February 2011



Office Douchebag says he has (free) Timberwolves tickets for me. He'll let me know tomorrow (I trust this guy as far as I can throw him, if that, but I'm willing to put this in the good column for now).

Performance review went well. Boss had nothing but good things to say. He wants to get me moving on the path to a promotion.

I'm getting a (considerable for me, anyway) bonus! (Merit increases come in May, apparently.)

Bruise and lumpy ass are healing nicely. I'm surprised at how the bruise is fading and the Impact Zone is less painful and just mostly uncomfortable.


Worked out late, so I'm not in bed yet. Gonna be more tired tomorrow than I have been the last couple of days. It only gets worse as the week goes progresses.

Drove around for a good 15 minutes when I got home from the gym trying to find a parking spot.

-30 windchill when I leave for work in the morning!

Had to take a cold shower in my cold bathroom with a cold draft blowing through my shitty bathroom window.

Bachelorette party coming up this weekend.

With it all laid out, it seems the good should really be winning. I'll take that under advisement. Winter won't get me down! Except for when it does.