31 October 2010

Bum.mer.

I didn't get a single trick-or-treater tonight. Not that I've had a great number of trick-or-treaters in the past, but I have had them. Last year I was at The Boy I Currently Like's house, and he had trick-or-treaters (he lives in much more single-family-home kind of neighborhood than I do). A couple of years ago, I had probably a dozen.

But not a single one this year. And I had a good amount of candy, too. I'm sad and shit.

30 October 2010

I am excited about the Wolves and I'm okay with that.

I've put in many difficult years as a Timberwolves fan, so I'd be okay with rooting for a team that Vegas projects to win 23.5 games this year regardless.

However, I'm actually super excited this team. I'm really, genuinely excited about them. I was mocked a little on Facebook for posting that I was excited about the game. So what if I'm a masochist? So. What.

The Boy I Currently Like and I watched the Wolves beat up on The Boy I Currently Like's Better Looking Friend's Milwaukee Bucks last night, and it was awesome. We called The Boy I Currently Like's Better Looking Friend to taunt him. That turned into a long phone call that, once I got on the phone, turned into a discussion about keeping my man on a leash and both of us being bitten on the inner thigh as punishment for something. It was delightful.

Anyway, back to the Wolves. I read something today about Anthony Tolliver, who is fast becoming my favorite player. It seems that he did a video this summer that was a play on LeBron's "Decision." And as it turns out, LeBron is being a humourless dick about it. Shocking, I'm sure. I mean, a guy who would have a one-hour special about whether he was going to leave his team or not certainly wouldn't be a humourless asshole, would he?

So, apparently, Tolliver and the Wolves are on LeBron's "list." For the excoriating video below.

28 October 2010

The day I've been dreading has arrived.

My mom sent me a friend request on Facebook this morning. It's been almost two years since I stared freaking out about having family as friends on Facebook. Wow, really?

None of that has turned out too badly, but I'm still not happy about this. I'll hold off as long as possible (perhaps until my sister or brother friends her first), but it seems pretty much inevitable now.

There goes the whole "secret boyfriend" thing. Poop. POOP, I say.

27 October 2010

Remember what I said about the "Culture of Meanness?"

Here I thought being sexist assholes objectifying women was mean. I didn't think I'd have to write about a Tea Party Douchecanoe assaulting a woman at a Rand Paul rally who thinks he is owed and apology.

I really want to be more eloquent and write a well thought-out post about this, but I'm just too angry and terrified. I think the anger is obvious, but the terror may not be. On the one hand, the Tea Party is a joke. Christine O'Donnell, anyone?

This Matt Taibbi article from Rolling Stone really kind of lays it out there -- essentially, these people are full of shit. They are Tea Partiers, but they seem to subscribe to the IOKIYAR (It's OK If You're A Republican) philosophy. "Welfare is bad, but don't you dare take away my Medicare!"

The terror comes from the idea that these fuckers could end up in Congress or governorships, or really any sort of position of potential power. That this attitude is okay -- the incredibly thinly-veiled racism, xenophobia, religious intolerance, proud ignorance ... What. The. Fuck? It's 2010. It's almost 2011, for Christ's sake. Why does it feel like we're moving backward?

If I wasn't so tired and overworked and so completely flabbergasted and frustrated, I'd write something eloquent and coherent. Or, I hope I would. As it is, I'm trying my best to educate and enlighten. And I'm sure as fuck voting on Tuesday. I can't despair. Not yet.

26 October 2010

I tried.

Given the way my schedule has been lately, I decided that I would work late at the office and go straight to the gym instead of coming home in between. With the horrible weather and my general tired/laziness of late, I figured it was the best way to make sure I made it to yoga.

I ended up staying later than I had originally intended. By the time I trudged up to the top of the parking ramp and struggled against the wind to get into my car, it was 6:30 at least. As I started up my car, a lady approached and said something I couldn't really understand, between my closed window/door and the wind. Rolled down the window and I realized she was asking about jumper cables.

As it turns out, I'd seen her car with it's lights on when I parked in the morning. I wondered if maybe they were the lights that stay on for a while after you turn it off. How the fuck was I supposed to know? I guess I could have made a note and sent it to the building management, but who knows if the lady ever would have found out?

I pulled in next to her on the side she said her battery was on, and got out. She then said the battery was on the other side, so I moved my car. We had some problems. Most of the lights on the top of the ramp were out. It was dark, so that made it nearly impossible to see. It was FUCKING WINDY (it was a struggle to close my trunk with the wind blowing into it). Her battery connections were shitty. She had no coat and was wearing sandals.

She gave up before I was ready to give up. I kind of made her keep trying a bit longer after she said, "I'll just take the bus." In my defense, I didn't know she was wearing sandals and I'd offered mittens and sweatshirts. Oh, she'd also forgotten her cell phone.

Because I couldn't help her, I took her over to the transit station at the MOA. It was the least I could do. She was really nice and thanked me profusely and said "God bless you!" which, for once, didn't make me all angry.

I didn't do such a good job trying to do a good deed, but what can you do?

25 October 2010

Enjoying it while it lasts.

I can't really say "Everything's coming up Milhouse," because ... well, it's not. However, things are not completely terrible.

My cold is pretty much gone. I worked out yesterday and tonight without falling into a coughing fit; nor did I finish my workout with a headache either day. I felt super-great after my workout tonight. In fact, I had to hold back a bit so as to not hurt myself doing too much too soon after taking it easy for a couple of weeks.

One bad thing about the gym, though -- well, two, actually. First, I ran into another guy I know. Actually, it's not that bad. I think the people I know at the gym will generally leave me alone. At least the guy I ran into tonight didn't see me until I said "Hi" to him. As someone who is in her own little world about 85 percent of the time, I see this as a good sign.

The other bad thing about the gym tonight was that it was PACKED. It's just the end of October. And it's the first kind of shitty day in ages (more on this later). If it was this bad tonight, it's going to be an utter nightmare after the first of the year. I'll be working out at like, 10:00 p.m. Yikes!

When I got home, I was feeling daring and checked my work e-mail. No yell-y e-mails from the client in response to my update e-mail. Yet. I don't have high hopes about this, but for the time being, things are okay. If I'd had a yell-y e-mail in my inbox, I wouldn't have bothered to work tonight. I'm still not working a lot, but I did a bit, since I felt not-horrible about work.

I thought there were some other things that made me feel pretty okay today, but I can't remember what they were. My fantasy football team is certainly not one of those things. They are sucking ASS. I guess not getting yelled at and having a good workout are enough.

There is no doubt in my mind tomorrow will suck in some way, shape or form. It's Monday in a Hat, for Christ's sake.

We have some sort of crazy fucking weather on the way. The Weather Channel is calling it a "bombogenesis." Whatever the fuck that means. (I'm not watching that video.) I heard on The Current this afternoon, when Bob Collins was on with Mary Lucia, that the crazy dude from The Weather Channel, who goes wherever the insane weather is in the U.S., is on his way here. That can't be good. Nor can the lowest barometric pressure ever recorded in the state.

But whatever. My heat is on and I got my AC unit out of the window yesterday, so I am good to go.

24 October 2010

Nothing new to say.

I am a broken record. It's Sunday night and I just finished up dishes after making my lunch for the week.

Actually, I only have four days worth of lunch. I'll have to defrost some chili or a sweet potato burrito for one day. I've decided that maybe throwing a random lunch into the week to break things up might be a good idea. Of course, that's more work. But what can you do?

The Boy I Currently Like pointed out on Friday night that I am mildly obsessive about planning my lunches. In my defense, I'm obsessive about many things. Also, all the "experts" say you should make a weekly meal plan. Plus, by the time I get home from the gym and have to shower, I just have very little time to cook during the week. My obsessing is pretty much justified, I think.

Speaking of food, this was the last week of the CSA season. I'm mega bummed. I have a lot of food left -- potatoes, sweet potatoes, squash, parsnips, carrots, radishes ... maybe some other stuff. It might last me another month or two if I don't use it every week. I used up my really perishable stuff tonight on a stir-fry (broccoli, romanesco, peppers [those were from my mom's garden, actually], carrots and baby red bok choi). I'll throw the bit of spinach I got into my morning scrambled eggs.

Next weekend I'll make a veggie chili again. It won't be all fresh veggies this time -- I'll be using canned tomatoes. But I'll be putting sweet potatoes in this one. And kale. I put kale in the last veggie chili I made and it was delightful. After that, there will be much in the way of oven-roasted vegetables, I imagine. There's also some random chicken stew recipe I found somewhere that I'll try.

Of course, I feel bad now about having to buy vegetables at the grocery store. I've tried to cook and eat as seasonally as I can the last two years with my CSA box. The Uptown Market this summer helped me a lot in that respect. I feel awful about buying vegetables at the grocery store if I'm getting them on a weekly basis from my CSA box. I'll make substitutions galore to not have to buy anything extra. But now, it's all just a bunch of root vegetables that won't last forever.

I'd be stoked about having a pantload of squash/sweet potatoes for Thanksgiving, but I found out last month that KayGee and The Prison Librarian will be out of town for Thanksgiving this year. I'm beyond sad about it. But not so sad that I'll mention it to my family. I'll probably end up doing Thanksgiving by myself. It's sad and makes me feel like ... I don't know. But however it makes me feel, I'd rather feel like that than spend my favorite holiday with my family. I'm sure something will come up -- there are always Thanksgiving orphans.

This post kind of took a detour from where I thought it was going to go. That's okay. I'm happy to write about food and cooking instead of how much I hate my job. It's a nice change of pace.

23 October 2010

Please don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

You totally want to be working on a Saturday evening, don't you? You'd give anything to somehow work 40+ hours in a week where you had two vacation days, wouldn't you? I know I'm loving it.

Oh wait. I'm actually not loving it. Right now, I hate my job with a passion. I dread going back to the office on Monday. I dread hearing from this client who is making my life miserable. Nothing is good enough for them, but they really won't give us any more feedback than that. We don't like it, we're unhappy, we're finding this stuff that you aren't finding, but we won't tell you what it is that we're finding that's more what we want than what you are giving us.

Hey, thanks. Dicks.

We have a liaison with this client who has called me twice now to apologize for the behavior of the actual people who are using my work. My boss has also reassured me that I'm doing just great. Oh, and the liaison called my boss to tell him he needed to call me and make sure I was okay.

In some ways, I'm regretting staying at this job. However, I highly doubt I'd be any happier at the job I was offered and turned down. It would probably just be a different kind of hateful. Why be new miserable when I can be a miserable I've been in the past?

At least I'm done working for the night. Or almost done working. I've started drinking, so I really can't do much more. I didn't work at all last night, but I felt bad showing up at The Boy I Currently Like's house in a less-than-great mood. I shook it off eventually, thanks to his awesomeness. And wine. And some dogs on the TV. How can you stay in a funk with all that goodness around you?

The worst part about all of this is that I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know this has to end sometime soon, but I honestly don't know when it will. I was just thinking a bit ahead of the pace of my fingers on the keyboard and I started to have a wee panic attack. So I'm just going to stop thinking about all of that this second. I can't deal with any of that terror at the moment. Nor can I deal with my messy-ass apartment, meal planning or laundry.

It's time for drinking and maybe playing a little Super Mario Brothers 3, which I just downloaded onto my Wii ... yesterday. But probably after baseball. This game is actually a bit compelling.

19 October 2010

You won't remember this when you're being an asshole.

I've been on "vacation" the past two days. I took yesterday and today off to hang out with my nephew, who is off school all week, while my sister had teacher conferences today. Unfortunately, I had to work both days, so Nephew and I didn't get to do anything fun, but he's a real homebody anyway.

Did I mention I spent nine hours with him today and he forgot to take his ADD meds? Holy. Fucking. Shit. Look, this runs in the family. My brother and I were discussing whether we might have a touch of adult ADD a couple of years ago and my dad was all, "Oh yeah, I have that. So does your uncle. You guys probably do, too." Hey, thanks for telling me. I mean, I figured it out on my own, but still. It's nice to know these family history things before they start messing with you.

So, I'm trying to work on this horrible, horrible, horrible project, while Nephew is talking constantly, throwing a ball against the wall over, and over, and over again ... I was working the whole time, but I don't think I got as much done as I might have with fewer distractions that weren't of my own doing.

But I was happy to hang out with him and give my sister a hand. I love the kid. She sent an appreciative text, so ...

And now tomorrow, I'm going to drive back out to the southern suburb in which my sister lives after work, for the fourth time in five days, to pick my mom up to take her into The Big City for Nephew's championship football game.

I offered to do this all on my own, I might add. See, Mom doesn't drive in Minneapolis. She'll actually only drive as far as my sister's suburb. She'll go to my brother's suburb as well, but he's further out than my sister, so it doesn't count. My brother isn't going to the game (apparently, his basketball league is more important) and my dad isn't going (harvesting the crops is more important) and mom has to work, so she wouldn't be able to be at my sister's house in time to ride with her.

It's not even a huge deal. My bus pass is fucked up, so I'd have to pay cash for my bus trip there and back, plus admission and food ... With mom going, she'll pay my $5 to get in and probably get me some grub, too. So the gas money and frustration of driving downtown will probably be worth it?

Of course, no one will remember these nice things I've done for the family when they next decide to be assholes to me. Oh well.

17 October 2010

Not like other people.

This has been a pretty great weekend, despite the fact that I did have to work today. I spent Friday night with The Boy I Currently Like and last night, I got to see my friend Em, who I've not seen in years. Like, five. Today has been fairly leisurely, at least, despite the working.

Em, Kaygee and I are old college friends. Last weekend when The Boy and I hung out with Kaygee and The Prison Librarian, Kaygee and I tried to give The Boy an idea of how we all met and what Em is like. I think he was sufficiently frightened about what it might be like to be around us to be glad he wouldn't be hanging out with us.

It was so great to see Em and her husband. Also always great to see KayGee and The Prison Librarian. The new people I met were lovely, as well. I'm so glad that Em is one of those friends who I can go years without seeing, but when I see her, it's like no time has passed. I think Facebook has helped that a lot, but I felt like this before Facebook.

The only thing that was not like falling into exactly where we left off was trying to explain my relationship with The Boy. I guess it felt weird because it's been a while since I had to explain our complicated mess to anyone.

I hate calling it a complicated mess. It only sounds complicated when I explain it to other people. In reality, it seems not really at all complicated to me. Nor does it seem messy. But then again, I've had some fucked up past relationships. Also, I'm not exactly normal. What seems totally reasonable to me might look like a hot mess to other people. So, I understand why people sometimes can't wrap their heads around how we do things and what we are.

Still, I spent a little bit of time last night feeling like a weird loser. Then I remembered I've always kind of been the weird loser. I should really be used to that by now.

I know my friends don't set out to make me feel like a weird loser. I've got issues and I'm dating a guy who has his own issues. But we're happy and we like each other quite a lot, so whatever.

Even with the trying-to-explain-my-Gentleman-Caller-situation, I had a great time. I wish Em lived here, but she doesn't. She lives closer than she has in the past, though. I am determined to get to Milwaukee next year, dammit.

14 October 2010

I should probably be working and other odds and ends.

Shit hit the motherfucking fan at work this morning. I had a very strong inkling it would. I've got these three projects going, and one got pushed to the back burner a bit because one is due tomorrow. There was no one to help me on the project that was falling behind, because everyone is ridiculously fucking busy.

So, I got yelled at (over e-mail) by the dick client who has talked to me as if I'm a slow child and didn't apologize (or even acknowledge) for calling me a half hour after our scheduled meeting time on the occasion where he talked to me as if I was a moron.

For once, I mostly let it roll off my back. Usually, I take these things to heart and would have ended up in tears. As The Boy I Currently Like has said a number of times, I'm "a crier." Does this mean I'm getting tougher? That I'm just too tired to fucking care? Eh. Whatever. There is only so much time in a day and I've been sick.

My boss tried to scare up some help for me, and his struggles really illustrate just how thinly we're stretched. No one in our office had any time at all. He contacted several, if not a dozen, contractors. None of them had time either. Because they're already working on other things for us. Yet, we won't be hiring anyone until after the first of the year. Awesome! I guess the boss will probably be able to replace the only two employees in the other department he manages that quit and left him with 10 unfinished projects and no one to do them.

He made a point to tell me that none of this reflected poorly on me; that I was still doing great work. It was nice to hear. Then later on in the day, the dick client's liaison called me to apologize for the dick client being a dick and she also told me I'd been doing great work for them for years.

I had planned to work tonight. But the e-mails I sent myself haven't all arrived yet. Oh well. I didn't leave the office until 6:30, for fuck's sake. My brain isn't functioning. I can't do any work. I can barely write this fucking blog post.

There were some other odds and ends I apparently was going to mention, according to the title of this post. The only one I can think of is that today is the day that I met The Boy three years ago. That's pretty neat.

13 October 2010

I need structure.

I worked out Monday evening for the first time in a week, what with being sick and all. It went really well. I felt great and I even curtailed my workout a bit just so I didn't overdo it.

By the time I got to my car, I had the brain-rattling, dizziness-inducing coughs and things went downhill from there. I slept horribly Monday night. This was because I woke up a number of times, unable to breathe, because I was almost choking on phlegm. Yes, I know -- GROSS. Also, it's pretty fucking scary.

Last night, I didn't do cardio before yoga, because I attributed the coughing, especially, to heavy breathing through my mouth. Like it or not, when I'm working out, I'm a mouth-breather. Quite frankly, due to my near-constant state of half-congestion, I'm a mouth breather more than I'd care to be.

The plan last night worked. I really made it a point to focus on my breathing (a major pillar of yoga as it is), and breathing through my nose to the extent possible. I actually slept really well last night. Or, at least as well as I've slept since I came down with this fucking cold.

After Monday, I was hesitant to work out tonight. The fact that I had a cough-induced headache (and was coughing a lot) all day didn't help matters. So, instead of pushing myself and prolonging this cold or worse, setting myself back, I decided to not work out tonight.

This is where the lack of structure comes in. When I don't get home until 8:00 or 9:00 at night, I swear that I am 50 percent more productive than when I come straight home from work. Possibly 100 percent more productive. This is why I go to the gym even when I'm exhausted or hurting or feeling like shit. Because if I come home right after work, I somehow manage to do absolutely nothing, and the next thing I know, it's time for The Daily Show, and then bed. Or more fucking around and then bed. But if I have only a limited amount of time in which to get things done, I'll use that time wisely. I mean, sometimes, anyway.

Tonight I've mostly fucked around. That's what it feels like, anyway. I cleared some things off my DVR; watched a bit of the Coons-O'Donnell debate (which was fucking torture, by the way); watched the last several Chilean miners make it to the surface (which was fucking amazing, by the way); did dishes; made low-fat cream cheese frosting for the healthy-ish carrot cake I made recently; finished up the thing I quit doing at work because my brain had stopped functioning ... oh, and I took out the trash.

Maybe that's not a completely non-productive evening, but it feels like it for me.

10 October 2010

More of the same.

I guess it's about time for that weekend wrap-up post I tend to do on Sundays. I've made this week's lunch and done the dishes and the blogging generally comes next. It wasn't the best weekend I've ever had. The Twins shit the bed in the playoffs, I'm still sick, my fantasy football team lost and I spent the bulk of the afternoon today working.

That being said, it was absolutely gorgeous this weekend. It's truly Indian summer. Unfortunately, with being sick and wiped out, I didn't get to enjoy it to the extent I should, but what can you do? There'll be another summer.

Friday night I got to spend a good chunk of time outside on KayGee and The Prison Librarian's deck. The Boy I Currently Like and I went there to hang out and have dinner and we had a lovely time. He genuinely likes them and that makes me pretty darn happy. Of course, I had to leave abruptly, because my allergies caught up with me and all of a sudden, I could barely breathe. Not that I could breathe well before we got there, but it got pretty bad there at the end.

The rest of Friday night and the good chunk of time I spent with The Boy on Saturday was delightful, as always. I spent a good deal of time feeling like a jackass because I was tired and had to go to bed "early" (this translates to 2:00 a.m. instead of 4:00 a.m.). Then I spent a lot of time coughing. It's really hard to be in a cuddly sleeping position when I have to roll over and turn away every few minutes to cough. He said I didn't bother him, but he was awake a lot more than he usually is. Then again, I'm always waking up when he moves or talks in his sleep or scratches my head or does some other weird sleep thing.

I'm NOT looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, but when am I ever? It just feels like there's no relief on the horizon. I'm taking two days off next week to hang out with my nephew while my sister is working, and I'm dreading how behind I'll end up out of the office for two days. Yet, I have to take my time off, or I'll lose it. I'm fucked no matter what I do. BAH.

Yet, not being in the office feels so good. I won't have to spend all day with him, so I can get my workout in earlier and not feel horrible about working in the evening. Right? Sure.

I was really hoping I'd be able to get back to the gym today, but wasn't feeling like it was a great idea yesterday. I compromised today and walked to the grocery store. It kinda kicked my ass. Poop. I'm still going to try to do something at the gym tomorrow. When the coughing fit starts, or I start getting dizzy (which was happening in my kitchen while I was cooking tonight), I'll leave. It's been a week and that's too long. Besides, it'll help get the shit out of my lungs.

Feels like I'm rambling and not saying much of anything. I was going to mention a couple of things I was hoping to blog about this week, but I'm not confident I'll remember or stick to writing about those things if I do remember. I'm not going to make promises I can't keep to y'all. It's the least I can do, right?

07 October 2010

Adult activities.

Sorry. It's not what you think. I know, I know. I'm such a tease.

"Grown-up" is probably the better word for it. Tomorrow night, The Boy I Currently Like and I are going to KayGee and The Prison Librarian's place for dinner. I keep wanting to say it's the first time we've done something like this; and it is. It's the first time we've gone to someone's house for dinner. He's been here for a party and was here on two different occasions to have dinner and meet my friends. For whatever reason, those dinners don't feel like they count.

I just can't get over how grown-up this feels. It's just hanging out, eating and drinking, though. KayGee and The Prison Librarian do it all the time with our other friends and with friends of theirs. I'm just never involved because I either wasn't in a couple. Apparently, I am in one now. That feels weird to say.

There was much explaining I had to do of the intricacies of my visits to their house. I am awfully allergic to The Prison Librarian's cat, so I mostly sit outside on the deck when I'm there. It works, for the most part. I'm sick, though, and having a tough time breathing without any cats around. Luckily for us, it's absolutely freakin' BEAUTIFUL here. It's 71 right now, at 7:40 p.m. and tomorrow it's supposed to be 84. Yaaaaaaay! We'd be sitting outside even if I wasn't allergic.

I'm worried about being lame, what with being sick and wiped out and all that. There is something about a Friday, though, that really perks me up. Throw in some booze, brats (from the farm, natch), and three of my favorite people in the entire world and I figure I'll get over the weirdness of the whole "doing grown-up activities" thing; as well as any end-of-the-week tiredness.

P.S.: You can go straight to fucking Hell, Hunter Wendelstedt. I hope you get a drug-resistant strain of syphilis. Motherfucking douchecanoe.

06 October 2010

God-fucking-dammit.

I.

Hate.

Jesse.

Crain.

So.

Freakin'.

Much.

I knew you would do this fucking shit, Crainwreck. You bastard! You had almost everyone fooled. But NOT ME. I wasn't buying into your "I don't suck anymore" routine. You have your own goddamn tag, for fuck's sake.

05 October 2010

Drinkin' cough syrup from the bottle.

That's right. I am one classy broad. It would seem it's time for my annual Fall cold. Once everyone's kids get back into school and they get sick, I end up sick a couple of weeks later. Fun!

Oh well. It's just a cold and I probably feel worse today because I was out late last night at First Ave seeing Broken Social Scene, who are one of my favorite bands in the whole wide world. It was hands-down the best show I've seen this year and I am pretty certain it's the best show I've seen since the last time they were in town two years ago.

Fortunately, with the Twins starting the playoffs tomorrow, I will have another chill couple of nights at home relaxing on the couch. Because I am 100 percent certain I will be relaxing tomorrow night and not, you know, being all angst-y and screaming at the TV and generally going nuts. Why, that doesn't sound like me at all.

(Side note: I feel like maybe I'm going to not be watching House so much this season. It feels like maybe it jumped the shark a little. Poop.)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go monitor The Facebook to see the OMG, RANDY MOSS!!!!!11!! posts.

03 October 2010

As always, I'm the asshole.

My brother ran the Twin Cities Marathon again today. It was his third in a row. I didn't go to watch him this time. I went last year, with my sister and nephew. The first year he ran it, I went alone to watch him.

Apparently, I was expected to go again to watch this year. I'm not sure why. Possibly because, in the words of my sister, "What are sisters for if not to support their brothers?" Brothers, on the other hand, certainly don't have to support their sisters.

I went to that kid's basketball games for years when he was in high school. I drove him around when he was too young to drive. I bought him booze. I waited on him hand and fucking foot before I went away to college (not by choice). Shit, I stayed home with him when he was sick when I was in high school so my mom could substitute teach. I've gone to watch him in the marathon. I've watched him play in stupid fucking town softball tournaments. I worked at his high school and college graduation parties. Yes, worked. And now, I'm in his wedding.

What has he done for me? He helped me move a couple of times and took me to the airport once and picked me up that same trip. That's really all I can think of. He did come out for my birthday once, five years ago. He never comes to anything my sister and I invite him to do with us. Then he gets pissy when we don't ask him. I've lived in this apartment for more than four years and he had never been here until about a month ago, and he was here for five minutes.

I'm actually still angry about having to go to his college graduation party to help my mom. He didn't go to either my college or grad school graduations, but there would have been hell to pay if I'd not gone to this stupid party. Serves him right that his friend was hitting on me all night. (He HATES that.)

So, I'm refusing to feel guilty about not going to watch him in the marathon. I mean, I'm trying to refuse to feel guilty. If I'm still pissed about stuff that happened years and years ago (and I am), it should be easier.

Oddly enough, this is one area where I've been super vocal. Hasn't done one bit of good. The way my parents -- especially my mom -- treated him better than us and made us wait on him and do shit for him. He still fucks off and doesn't help with shit when we're all home and it's totally okay because he's the youngest and he's the only boy. FUCK. YOU.

It was bitterly funny that at my nephew's football game Saturday, there was some sort of discussion about family (when isn't there?) and my aunt said a couple of times, "It's hard to say 'no' to your family." Lady, you're preaching to the choir on that one.

I'm trying very hard to create more boundaries and say no more often. And I think I've made some progress, especially since the whole golf bullshit thing a couple of months ago. After the wedding shit last weekend, and hearing about how things went on Saturday when everyone went to the farm (but not me, because I'd had enough of all of them), I think I'll feel better/okay about saying no more to the family at large, too. It's easier with my mom's family, because half of them are total dicks.

Anyway, I think it's totally okay for me to skip the marathon today, especially because it's my brother's stupid wedding that means we don't get birthday and Christmas presents this year (from each other). I was fine with the idea of doing it last year. We ended up exchanging gifts last year, anyway. I like it as an idea. But I'm PISSED that the reason we're finally doing it is because of this wedding. Way to fucking ruin everything. Oh well. This means I will have more money to spend on The Boy I Currently Like. Or on booze and lip gloss. Whatever.