28 February 2010

Happy Birthday.

Yesterday was The Boy I Currently Like's birthday. This ends my nine-day run as a cradle robber/mini-cougar (I didn't have the heart to tell him that, as I'm in my 30s, I'm apparently a puma, not a cougar).

This was the first time we'd spent one of our birthdays together, if I recall correctly (and I might very well not). The Boy doesn't like to think his birthday weekend is any different than any other weekend. I tried to do what I could to celebrate. I mean, obviously, I got him presents (that's getting easier with every gift-giving holiday). I bought him dinner (that's the spin I put on it, because I damn near had to beg to pay for half of dinner). I made cupcakes for him, gave him 36 spankings (he's never heard of "and a pinch to grow an inch, and a sock to grow a block!" Is that a Minnesota duck, duck, gray-duck sort of thing?) and did other random things to try to make the day a little more special. He seemed to have a pretty good night.

You see, he deserves a big to-do for his birthday, in my opinion. He's pretty goddamn incredible. When I think about it, I'm always a little floored by the randomness of the circumstances that led to us meeting. Never in a million years did I imagine we'd end up here when we started e-mailing three years ago.

I'm an awfully lucky girl to know such a great guy. And I'm so very glad I know him.

26 February 2010

I feel dirty.

This whole salary negotiation thing is unpleasant. Despite the fact that I got a big, fat raise today, I feel fucking AWFUL. Maybe I never should have entertained the counter offer. Putting in my notice was horrible enough, but agreeing to hear a counter offer made things roughly 1,000 times more stressful.

I'd asked for a day, at least, to think about whether I'd entertain a counter offer, and if so, how much I'd need to make me stay. I was leaning toward taking the weekend, but then my boss let me know that he needed to get the pay increase information to HR or Payroll or whatever, by the end of the day today.

Even better, there was news that the company had been sold. Not that anyone is too terribly concerned. The company has been sold a number of times in its existence, but it's always stuck around. My boss has been with the company for 18 years, for Christ's sake. He wasn't worried at all, and said it might even be better for us in the long run, because now we're privately held.

So, the sale of the company was not unexpected, nor is it apparently a big deal. Yet the news fluttering around the office certainly added to the already-stressful day I was having. Honestly, I got nothing done, I couldn't eat and I was on the verge of tears half the day.

I threw out a ridiculous sum of money and waited. And waited. After a couple of hours, my boss called me to his office. He said they couldn't do that much, but they could give me a 25 percent increase. That's more than the offer I had, and even enough to cover the health insurance difference. He laid out a path for me, kept telling me how much potential I had and how much everyone liked working with me and what a great job I did. Yeah, yeah. I know.

After much stressing and texting with Macho Man, I decided to accept their offer. My boss was so happy, he came this close to hugging me. As it was, he jumped up and shook my hand and clapped me on the back. Then we went to tell his boss, who was also borderline giddy. So, yeah, that took a bit of the edge off.

However, calling to tell the other job I could not longer accept their offer sucked. I already felt like a huge asshole, but she made me feel much, much worse. And hey -- it's her right to be pissed. I'm leaving her in the lurch. She said, "I thought you wanted to work in government and this is where you wanted to be." That's true, but I also have bills to pay, lady. Also, what was I supposed to say in the interview? "Yeah, I'm just here for the fuck of it. I just don't want to lose my interviewing chops and I was curious about what the job actually was." Because that's why I was there.

In the end, there were other factors that led me to stay. Working from home and being able to show up whenever, as long as I'm there by 10:00 or so, are really nice perks. The prospect of leaving home shortly after 7:00 a.m. to get to work by 8:00 had me pretty worried, I will confess. The admin portion of the job would mean dealing with the public. And I'm not sure if you know this or not, but I generally do not care for the public. I'd have missed afternoon trivia dearly, and working my CSA share might have been a nightmare.

There will be much pondering and wondering whether I really made the right decision or not in the coming days and weeks and God knows how long after that. Right now, I'm going to lay on the couch and try to shut my brain off for a bit before I start working on the Chocolate Stout Cupcakes I'm making for The Boy I Currently Like. Also, I intend to get drunk. At least the urge to bawl has passed.

25 February 2010

Decisions, decisions.

Remember that whole job interview freak out from a couple of weeks ago? Probably not. Well, they offered me the job, at a considerable salary increase from where I am now.

Awesome, no? I'd be back in government, I could take public transportation there, the benefits are better and I'd be making more money. Score! Obviously, I accepted it.

That was yesterday. I spent most of this morning crafting my two-sentence resignation letter and agonizing about talking to my boss. Things are super busy and I like him, so I felt bad. We had donuts for another person who was leaving this morning, too, which made it feel like I was piling on. But what can you do? Better to give as much notice as possible, right?

I finally did it and he was surprised and not pleased. He asked if he could make a counter offer. I hemmed and hawed and said no at first, but then relented. Later in the day, I met with him and his boss. The Big Boss asked why I started looking (I hadn't, they came to me and I figured, "Why not?"), what I would be doing, what my prospects for advancement were, was it all just money and the like.

For whatever reason, I had to keep reminding them that I do have a master's degree in public policy and my concentration was in public and nonprofit management. I've worked in government and the nonprofit sector. Yes, that is where I want to be. The 20 percent better salary and much better benefits are a considerable plus.

They like me. They really want me to stay. They think they can provide a better future for me. My boss called me an "up-and-comer," which made my sister laugh when I told her. I think it's pretty funny, too. And I can see what my boss is grooming me for in the company. I'm not an idiot. But I didn't think they'd say, "tell us what you want." That's what they did, however. They didn't ask what my offer was, they just said they want to know what I want them to offer.

I really, really didn't expect this. Part of the reason I was unprepared, I suppose, is because I've never been in this position before. I've left jobs and they were sad, of course. But the difference is, there was no amount of money they could pay me that would get me to stay. Because I wanted out desperately. There are parts of my job I don't like. I hated my training, hated that project right before the holidays, but otherwise I like it well enough. I like my coworkers and my boss.

So, what do I do? Come up with a ridiculous amount to throw out there? If they agree to it, I have to say yes. Then, I'd feel like an asshole for accepting a job and then coming back a few days later and saying, "Hahahaha, just kidding." In my defense, I wasn't at all expecting them to seriously counter.

I'm going to make a list of pros and cons for each place. Corporate America vs. Doing Good Work, Change vs. Status Quo, Working from Home Sometimes vs. Not, Longer Commute on the Bus vs. Shorter Commute in My Car, and so on. Feel free to weigh in with your advice or opinions. I'm taking it all.

23 February 2010

You're such a tease.

A while ago, new TVs cropped up at the gym. They were slightly different from the other high-def, fancy-pants flat screens that went in ... a couple of years ago, I think. Nothing appeared on them for a long time. I was hoping for more viewing options. It is college basketball season after all. I would spend all night on the treadmill if I could watch games on ESPN and ESPN2.

Fast forward to tonight and my triumphant return to the gym (the jury is still as to whether it was a good idea or not). Sometime in the last week-and-a-half, the TVs were activated. Though, I didn't notice it at first. That's because the new TV closest to me had nothing but a "BTV" logo (the "B" of course, is the Bally B) in the corner and a scroll on the bottom of the screen. The rest of the screen? Completely black.

You put in all of these new TVs to run a black screen with a scroll? Really? Decisions like this might be one of the reasons you've declared bankruptcy several times over in the last few years.

Oh, but wait! There is a TV with actual stuff on it. Safety tips for strength training (don't hold your breath, because you don't want to lose consciousness while holding a heavy weight), class descriptions (pilates? balletone? WE DON'T HAVE THOSE HERE. Or in Minnesota at all, as far as I know. Thanks for shoving in our face what we don't have) and nutrition tips (two cups of scallions/chives are an anytime food!). Wow.

There were a couple of things worth noting. Apparently, cardio should be limited to 20 minutes during peak times. When that changed from 30 minutes, I have no idea. Also, you should use a workout towel and clean your machines after you use them. How terribly fucking novel. Good luck getting people to follow those.

Sadly, cameras/camera phones are not allowed, either. Sorry, y'all. There will never be photographic evidence of old dudes in unitards, professional wrestling costume rejects, Members Only jackets, or star-spangled Speedos.

Sorry, y'all.

22 February 2010

Frustrated.

After taking a bit more than a week off from the gym, due to my stupid hyperextended knees, I was all set to go back today. Well, I would have actually gone back yesterday, but I had shit to do that would have made it difficult to squeeze in.

Turns out the shit I had to do -- getting The GTs' old couch, taking out trash and doing laundry was what made it so my knees reverted. I didn't do much with the couch. Mike and Macho Man did most of the work. But between that, getting the U-haul and doing stuff around here, I spent a good amount of time sliding around on ice and snow. Thanks, assholes who park in front of the sidewalk access, dicks who don't shovel and the City of Minneapolis for doing a terrible job plowing (part of that credit goes to the state for cutting LGA, of course).

So, my knees are all fucked up again. Okay, they're not nearly as bad as they were a week ago. It's still pretty frustrating, however. I was itching to get back to the gym last week already, but I somehow managed to convince myself to hold off until I wasn't hurting any more. Why make the recovery that much longer, and so on. Fucking setbacks. I went so far as to put on gym clothes and drive to the gym tonight, but I couldn't find a parking spot. I took that as a sign. My tight, sore knees was the other sign.

Tomorrow I will be able to go. Maybe I'll just spend a little time on the bike, but I have to do something. There is a good chance I might lose my shit if I don't. In the meantime, I got some errands out of the way and I'm getting more my breakfast ready for the rest of the week, poaching some chicken breasts and writing thank yous. Oh, and blogging. And watching Puppy Cam. So, the evening is not lost.

Work was kind of frustrating today, too. Yet more information coming in from corporate about how our company is getting screwed in this integration process. We keep getting the message that they're trying to get us all on the same systems and policies. That's why our payroll changed, which led to me losing a good chunk of change.

We've since found out that while we cannot carry any PTO over from year to year, apparently every other company/division can. How did we find that out? Well, I have an enterprising coworker who stumbled upon the information a couple of weeks ago. Today, however, HR sent out a message to EVERYONE reminding them of the policy change. Then we got a message a bit later telling us to disregard it. Fat chance, motherfuckers. We also found out our 401k match is less than the rest of the company.

The nice thing is, my boss and the others at his level, and their boss, are going to bat for us. It makes sense, as they're getting fucked in the ass like a bad prostitute as well, but it's still nice to know they are trying to impress upon their superiors that these unequal policies and changes that are only hurting us are seriously hurting morale. It's really hard to get motivated to do a good job for a company that obviously doesn't give a shit about you.

Oh, corporate America. How I loathe thee. How timely that the place I interviewed with called back today. And called again. And e-mailed. Seems they really want to talk to me. That can't be a terrible thing, right?

18 February 2010

Happy Dre Day.

Oh, and Happy Birthday to me. I seem to be in some sort of no man's land between happy and blue today. Every time I think I'm squarely in one camp, I get pulled into the other.

There is no freaking out about about being 36. I think I said last year that 36 seemed far more acceptable than 35 for some reason. Though, I'm not so cool with being 36 that I was cool with The Boy I Currently Like saying he almost said "37" a few days ago. He's so cool with being 36, he nearly skipped ahead a year. Pretty sure he did the same thing last year, too.

I'm feeling fairly lame about not having any plans tonight, though. I mean, I don't feel lame. I'm perfectly happy to go home, watch The Boy's Hoyas hopefully beat the shit out of Syracuse, watch my Gophers try to salvage their season against Wisconsin, and get drunk. Maybe I'll do my nails or something. Read some comics. It'll be fine. It'll probably even be fun, given my ability to entertain myself while getting drunk at home.

But I feel like a loser when people ask what I'm doing or ask if I have plans tonight and I say, "Nope." I shouldn't, because I just had a party two nights ago. And I certainly can't be tired and hungover if I'm hanging out with The Boy tomorrow and staying up until 4 a.m.

It's not like I'm not celebrating my birthday at all, either. I'm going to get drunk at Liquor Lyle's on Saturday. Though, I'm sure I'll have to answer the same "Where's The Boy?" questions I have to answer at every. social. event. I attend.

Lyle's for my birthday probably won't be quite as awesome as last year, as I had to wait just a couple of days ago to send out the e-mail, because I was working around The Boy's schedule. People are out of town and have plans, as well. This year most likely won't have The Boy's friends showing up out of nowhere. Not that I wouldn't love it if they did, but I've met them, so I'm not a novelty anymore. Shit, not that I would mind if anyone reading right now showed up. I'll be there at 5:00, wearing the t-shirt!

Eh. Shit could be worse. I have a job. I know a lot of really fucking awesome people who kick so much ass.

Now, please enjoy the musical stylings of Mr. Andre Young. You might know him as Dr. Dre. It's his birthday today, as well. Happy Dre Day, y'all.

17 February 2010

Look at me, being all sensible and shit.

When I got up this morning, I was sooooooo convinced my knees had improved enough to go to yoga tonight. Even as they got stiffer and sorer throughout the day, they still were less stiff and sore than they were yesterday, or the day before.

I'm not entirely sure when it occurred to me that perhaps I shouldn't rush coming back; that the chances of my knees hurting more tomorrow after yoga were pretty damn high. But it did occur to me, and I decided to take it easy again tonight. I might even skip tomorrow and give myself a full week off, plus a couple of days.

Despite my perfectly reasonable decision, I still have this feeling that I must explain myself -- to you all, to whoever is following me on Google Buzz, to my friends on Facebook. I feel like I must explain that I'm not being lazy -- my knees are actually pretty fucked up. They're better, but not totally so. Why must I do this? Ugh. I hate being crazy sometimes.

Instead of going to the gym, I decided to make brownies for my coworkers as a birthday treat tomorrow. I'm hoping that once everyone knows it is my birthday, we can do ESPN trivia at the quiz. I don't think that is asking too much, dammit.

Aside from the whole fucked-up knees/gym psychosis, I really am feeling so much better. I'm sure it's because the PMS has lifted, but I'm more attributing it to the festivities of this week -- Mardi Gras party last night, hanging out with The Boy I Currently Like Friday, birthday drinking Saturday. The increased daylight is also having a very, very profound effect. I have had to wear sunglasses on my drives home this week! It is amazing what a difference that can make.

I'm guessing that whole job freak out from last week was all for nothing. And I'm totally okay with that. I've decided I just can't take a step back at this point. And despite all of my complaining about my job, I like my coworkers, my boss loves me, and I haven't learned/done everything there is to learn/do. I'm not bored. Working in corporate America sucks ass. The bathroom is starting to get worse again (try to get your tampon fully into the receptacle please. I don't need to see the string hanging out because your nasty ass was too lazy to fully dispose of it properly). But it's cool. I'm good at what I do and my coworkers seem to like me.

16 February 2010

King Cake FAIL.

I managed to get the baby in the King Cake again this year. The cake I made, for the party I hosted. Did I mention I cut the cake? Oh yeah, I'm awesome.

The good news is, the cake was good. It stayed nice and moist, which I was worried about. And had I known everyone would like it so much and would eat more, I wouldn't have admitted I was left holding the piece with the baby. But I didn't know at the time.

Oh well. Everyone at least said they enjoyed the food, so I'm more than happy to have the party again next year. It was a blast. And we had a good bit of fun in a short amount of time. I'm all done cleaning up and have washed my face ... I can go to bed at my normal time. SWEET! I would have been okay with people hanging out later, but we all have jobs/school, so it's nice to be able to do something fun on a weeknight without having it go too late.

Also, I have enough leftovers to carry me through the rest of the week for lunch. I think everything worked out alright. And hey -- maybe the baby will bring me more luck this year than it did last year.

15 February 2010

In the kitchen with Jess.

I've been a cookin' dynamo the last couple of days. Tomorrow is the big Mardi Gras party and since I had to work today and I'm expecting people an hour after I get home tomorrow, I didn't have much of a choice other than to start yesterday.

While I was kneading the dough for the King Cake this evening, it occurred to me that this is really the first time I've cooked an entire large meal for a group of people. When I have parties I tend to make a shit ton of food, but it's never really a meal.

So, I'm a little scared. I tried the jambalaya and red beans yesterday and they were good. I'm okay with the rice and cheesy grits that I'll make tomorrow (okay, so it's more like cheesy polenta, but Alton Brown used cornmeal in his recipe and called it grits, so dammit, I'm calling them grits).

What's really freaking me out is the King Cake, though. It's not terribly even, but I think it's looking okay otherwise. Still, this is my first sweet yeasty bread/cake. And I have to decorate it. Did you know that it's damn near impossible to get purple fucking sugar in this town? I ended up having to go to Michaels to get it and had to buy more yellow and green, too. I wonder if I can return the unused yellow and green to Rainbow. I probably don't have the receipt. Guess I'll have to do some decorating of baked goods at some point.

One thing about baking tonight and having a party tomorrow is that I hyperextended my knees in yoga last week and they are all kinds of fucked up. It's frustrating the shit out of me, because it feels like it's going to take forever for them to get better. I can feel a bit of improvement, though. Hopefully I'll be able to go to yoga on Wednesday ... if I can make sure I keep myself in check.

I'm all feeling like my apartment is a dump (and it is, you should see my busted-ass couch) and just generally feeling BAD. But hey -- I'm having a weeknight party and will be celebrating my birthday this weekend, so ... I've got that going for me.

13 February 2010

Stop the presses!

I have been social TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW. That's right. Last night, I went out to celebrate The Doctor's birthday, and tonight I went out for Happy Hour with Macho Man. Apparently, that was the start of my birthday week celebration. Mostly because I used my birthday gift certificate from The Herkimer.

But that is not all! I'm having a party Tuesday (for Mardi Gras) and will probably be celebrating my birthday next weekend. I'm pretty sure that is more social stuff than I have done in quite some time.

I can't help but feel pretty okay about being social after feeling like an asshole last night for not seeing 90 percent of my friends in months. Turns out it is fairly difficult to explain to people why you've been not hanging out with anyone for months. You might want to tell them that you're ignoring everyone, but that doesn't sound so great either.

Things will be turning around soon enough. The days are getting longer. As God is my witness, my deck will be getting some action as soon as it is feasible. Given the death cicles currently waiting to impale me the second I walk out on to my deck, I don't think that's going to be any time soon. Eventually, though, I will get out there.

11 February 2010

Things, life, whatnot.

I could not come up with a good subject for this post. I'm barely holding it together at the moment. But some things need to get out, so what can you do?

For example, I had a kind of unexpected job interview on Tuesday. I had indicated interest in the position when I was e-mailed about it, but didn't really expect to hear anything after that. Even when I got called to do the interview, I was still super unsure. I didn't even really know what the job actually was. But hey, nothing like keeping my interviewing chops up, right? So I went. Apparently it went well and now I might have a decision to make that I wasn't ready to make. But I'm sure I'm getting ahead of myself.

Still, I enjoy freaking out when there is no reason to do so. Of course, my mom has to lecture me and say things I have already rehashed a thousand times in my head. Because I wasn't crazy enough about it as it was. Jesus H. Christ.

At the same time, things are going fairly well at my job now. My boss has got me writing proposals and maybe I'll get to manage another project soon. In addition to the project I'll be co-managing, apparently. He loved the proposal I wrote -- for a two-day, $3,000 project. I wonder if I should tell him I've written $300,000, three-year project proposals.

The anniversary of my grandma's death is coming up on V-Day. Normally, I'd be all sad and weepy in the days leading up to it. And, okay, I have been sad and weepy. But I think it's PMS-related. My doctor told me that my period would be worse for the first few months after getting the IUD, but no one said anything about PMS so soul-crushing that I want to drive into oncoming traffic. Oh my God. It's awful.

There are other things, I think, but I can't remember right now. Oh, my birthday is coming up ONE WEEK FROM TODAY. I cannot decide if I want to do something for my birthday or not. I think I went through this last year. Once again, I don't want to bother people with my stupid birthday. Plus, I'm waiting for The Boy I Currently Like to figure out which day next week/end works best for us to hang out.

Blah, blah, blah. I'll save you from the rest of my ridiculousness.

09 February 2010

OMG! The world is ending!

Not really. But you wouldn't know it from reading some of the comments on the story the Strib wrote about the winter parking rules taking effect in Minneapolis Thursday.

Okay, I'll agree with the commenters wondering about Snow Emergency Routes. My street is one thing -- we have a parking lane and boulevard. While I have to wait for a break in traffic to get out of my car and get things out of the backseat (perhaps I should start using the trunk exclusively until the snow is gone?), I don't have to play chicken with oncoming traffic like I do when I'm driving down Bryant Avenue. That's also a Snow Emergency Route, but it's not much wider than other streets and cars line both sides, so you're reduced to playing chicken.

I'm wondering if the people commenting on the story are relatively new to Minneapolis. It's been a long time since the last winter-long parking restrictions were put into place. I recall clearly when it was called in 1996-1997. I lived on Blaisdell Avenue, which is a one-way in Minneapolis's Whittier Neighborhood (at least the portion of Blaisdell on which I lived). It was also a Snow Emergency Route and I didn't have guaranteed off-street parking. There was also only parking on one side of the street. And lots of apartments in the area. Yet, I never had to park more than a block away from my apartment that winter. (Note the last time this actually happened was in 2001 and I remember it vaguely, but I had off-street parking then, and didn't do nearly the amount of driving on side streets as I do now.)

We live in Minnesota, for fuck's sake. We're having a normal-ish winter for once in forever and people are acting as if the world is coming to an end because some of us might have to park further away from our homes for less than two months, at most. For most people, it will be an annoyance, at best. There are morons freaking out about what will happen if there is another snow emergency declared. The rules are the same as they are right now, chuckleheads. You're not going to have to dig your cars out of the odd side on your own. You can park them on the even side of the street while the odd side is plowed. You might even be able to park on the even side when Snow Emergency Routes are being plowed. But don't quote me on that.

Now, if only we could get someone started on filling potholes. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Streets and interstates in Minneapolis and St. Paul are worse than I remember them being ever. There is something that is on the verge of being a sinkhole in the Franklin-Lyndale intersection that I drove through today. I will be amazed if I make it through the rest of the winter without one or more of my wheels completely flying off.

08 February 2010

Snow days just aren't what they used to be.

Sure, I get to stay home. However, I end up working longer than I would at the office. I get to wear scrubby clothes and don't have to wear makeup. I don't have to pack up my lunch and snacks; I can eat whatever I want. Or not eat, which is odd.

Meh. I guess it's a wash. Actually, I was pretty stoked about working at home because of how productive I am when I'm not at the office. The slightest thing at work will distract me. But at home, I've got music and the TV on and I'm totally focused on work. Go figure.

The whole sleeping in thing was nice. Not that 7:00 a.m. really qualifies as "sleeping in." But I wasn't falling asleep in the afternoon, so that's something. And I wasn't hung over because I didn't go to or host a Super Bowl party last night.

This is the first time in five or six years I've not had a party. Apparently, if I don't have one, none of my friends will, either. I actually worked through the first half of the game, so I paid roughly the same amount of attention as I would have if I was hosting a party and getting drunk. The second half seemed much more compelling. It might have been the on-side kick to start the half, the fact that the Saints came back, or possibly because I stopped working and started drinking. Who knows?

Commercials were hella lame. I did enjoy the Snickers commercial with Betty White and Abe Vigoda, though. Mostly because I love Betty White and Abe Vigoda. Did anyone else notice the commercials featuring men who despised their partners? I know Big Blue Monkey at I Dislike Your Favorite Team did. Men who don't hate women are awesome!

Oh yeah, and the commercials with the Tebows? Lamest of the lame. Nice subtle message there with laying your mom out with a tackle. Remember that when you're converted to a blocking back in the NFL. Fucking Focus on the Family. Stay classy!

Obviously, I watched Puppy Bowl VI, too. Though, they kinda lost me with the rodents in the "blimp." DO NOT WANT, Animal Planet. Damn. The kitty half-time show was bad enough. I can deal with the bunny cheerleaders (bunnies are alright as long as they aren't eating my hair in the middle of the night). But those extra-furry rats? BOO!

This post feels like it is all over the place. Maybe because I'm trying to watch basketball and bake cookies at the same time? Who knows. Maybe I should go focus on that stuff.

Note to my neighbors -- nice work getting your cars off the streets more than an hour before the Snow Emergency started. Kudos to y'all!

06 February 2010

Worst Valentine's gift ever?

The Boy I Currently Like and I were watching ... something on TV last night, when we saw a commercial for quite possibly the worst gift ever, be it for Valentine's day or anything, really. The product in question is the Hug-E-Gram. It's a long, hunk of stuffed cotton with an elastic band in it, with hands on either end that you use to give yourself a hug.

Yes, that's certainly bizarre. But is it creepy? Well, the hands look like they've been removed from Mickey Mouse's corpse (I mean, hopefully he was dead before they started dismembering him). They come with a dozen "lasting" roses. I swear I heard something about them being made from wood on the commercial. Finally, you can record a message that will play while the disembodied arms lovingly cradle you beloved.

I swear, I thought this commercial was fake at first. I really wish it was. God help us all.

04 February 2010

Well done, Planned Parenthood.

Trusting women to make their own private, medical decisions? That's crazy talk!

The fact that it appears to be only men in this discussion (Tebow's mom is in the ad, but I've not heard anything from her) is somewhat disheartening. However, it's great to hear other athletes offer a reasonable, positive response to Focus on the Family and the anti-choicers.

03 February 2010

Get over yourself.

The original reason for this post is going to have to wait, because the dick at the gym who busted up our yoga class tonight needs to get the fuck over himself before the state of Nevada does.

About halfway through yoga, while we're doing a little straddle-legged forward fold and I was moving into side splits, this dude walks into the middle of the class, saying, "I should probably take off my shoes, huh? So, this is yoga? I suppose I gotta pay for this class?"

Our instructor, as calmly as possible, answered him. She said, no you don't have to pay for the class if you're a member. The Dick responded with "Don't I look like a member? I got nunchuks and a whip." Okay, assface, let me stop you for a second here. I've seen the martial arts people with the nunchucks from time to time. But that riding crop you're brandishing? I don't think that's part of the martial arts practice. I could very well be wrong. But I've never seen anyone in the gym with a riding crop. Those are mostly used for, well, horse riding. And maybe naughty bedroom stuff.

Loudass McAssmunch continued continued to talk (loudly), and our instructor said "This probably isn't the best time to talk about this. If you up to the front desk --" and he cut her off. "Oh, I'm sorry Miss Rude. You should be more polite to the people who use this gym" and blah, blah, motherfucking blah. The head martial arts instructor had to pull him out of the studio.

You think she's being rude to you. Really? REALLY? What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you walk into a classroom and start asking questions? Church? A meeting? Would you do that to the martial arts class? Fuck. You.

We recovered as best we could and at the end of class a couple people suggested maybe our instructor get walked to her car. Since she walked there, people offered her a ride. I suggested we all stop at the front desk to lodge a complaint. Most of the class was there once I had gotten all my shit together. The manager was all, "Well, if you see him, you should point him out to us." I chimed in with "Master Maurice walked him out of the studio, so he should be able to tell you who he is." As I made my way past the desk, I saw him out of the corner of my eye and identified him. At the same time, I heard his dulcet tones, "Excuse me, miss? I'd like to apologize ..." And I walked out.

Honest to fucking Christ. What is wrong with people?

My other "Get the fuck over yourself" goes out to the people of Las Vegas/Nevada who all have their undies in a wad because President Obama has said people shouldn't blow money in Vegas when they have mortgages to pay and shit.

Wait. What?

Your entire marketing campaign is based on the fact that all manner of debauchery and excess occur in Las Vegas and no one back in your real life needs to know about it.

*insert over-the-top eyeroll here*

You can't have it both ways. I'm sorry, but that's the way it is. When people talk about excess and bad decisions, they don't talk about it taking place in Boise or Fargo. And there is a reason for that. Seriously, Vegas and Nevada politicians. Shut the fuck up.

02 February 2010

Whatever happened to those abortion death squads?

Because the Tim Tebow thing won't die, there was another post about it today on Jezebel. I was a little bummed last night that I missed Larry King Live, because from the teaser at the beginning I saw at the gym -- "ABORTION (picture of Tebow on the verge of tears), GAY DATING (can't remember the picture here), SARAH PALIN (Sarah Palin, duh)?" it looked like it might be awesome.

My position hasn't changed. It's bullshit. Just because Mama Tebow risked her life doesn't make her choice the only right choice. She got lucky in that she survived AND that her unaborted fetus is going to bring in some serious cash (maybe ... for a little while). Other women wouldn't be so fortunate as to even survive in the same situation. BUT! She had a choice. No one forced her to have the baby or have an abortion (though, I've read that since they were in the Philipines at the time where abortion was illegal ...).

The big thing here is CHOICE. No one told her she had to have an abortion or that she had to have a baby. So, she and her son and Focus on the Family shouldn't be telling me or any other women they don't have a choice, or the only choice we have is have the baby or give it up for adoption.

CBS's hypocrisy is also an issue. When they turned down an ad from the United Church of Christ in 2004 because the church was touting their acceptance of gays, it was because they don't do advocacy ads. And don't tell me the Tebow ad from FOCUS ON THE FAMILY is not an advocacy ad. Now they're not taking an ad from ManCrunch.com, a gay dating site. Do you think there might be an eHarmony ad, though? Either way, it's not advocacy. And I'm pretty sure PETA has had ads turned down for the Super Bowl (on FOX, and I'm pretty sure the whole point of the exercise was free publicity/making a point because they never dreamed the ad would be aired in the first place). Again with the bullshit.

HOWEVER! The whole point of this post (that would have come together much quicker if it wasn't for goddamn Puppy Cam. THEY'RE WALKING!) was to share this video of "football stars" talking about abortion in 1989. Man, if I'd known there were abortion death squads, I might not have done the whole IUD thing. Do they just show up at your house? Is it free? Also, I enjoy the likening of a fetus to a slave. Nice work. Also? Awesome hair.

01 February 2010

The gym is annoying.

Okay, so I didn't laugh at the guy two treadmills down who slammed into the front of his machine. I guess the joke was on me, because about 10 seconds after that happened, it smelled like someone had shit their pants. And I'm thinking that might have been what happened, because that was the lingeringest fart I've ever smelled. That shit (ha!) went on and on. Can't you fucking hold it in, for Christ's sake?

Another gym annoyance? Machine hoggers. Do you really need to spend 45 minutes to an hour on a single machine? Other people would like to use it, you know. And your towel, book, clipboard, water bottle and other sundry supplies you've piled up around the machine make me not want to ask if I can work in.

Also, why bother coming to the gym if you're going to sit at a machine for five minutes to do one half-hearted set and spend the rest of the time picking at your arm?

Hey, you guys leaning on that machine -- could I maybe use it? Thanks. I don't want to make a joke with you. Just say yes and let me use the damn machine.

At least there was no poo on the toilet seats. Hooray for small favors.