03 October 2010

As always, I'm the asshole.

My brother ran the Twin Cities Marathon again today. It was his third in a row. I didn't go to watch him this time. I went last year, with my sister and nephew. The first year he ran it, I went alone to watch him.

Apparently, I was expected to go again to watch this year. I'm not sure why. Possibly because, in the words of my sister, "What are sisters for if not to support their brothers?" Brothers, on the other hand, certainly don't have to support their sisters.

I went to that kid's basketball games for years when he was in high school. I drove him around when he was too young to drive. I bought him booze. I waited on him hand and fucking foot before I went away to college (not by choice). Shit, I stayed home with him when he was sick when I was in high school so my mom could substitute teach. I've gone to watch him in the marathon. I've watched him play in stupid fucking town softball tournaments. I worked at his high school and college graduation parties. Yes, worked. And now, I'm in his wedding.

What has he done for me? He helped me move a couple of times and took me to the airport once and picked me up that same trip. That's really all I can think of. He did come out for my birthday once, five years ago. He never comes to anything my sister and I invite him to do with us. Then he gets pissy when we don't ask him. I've lived in this apartment for more than four years and he had never been here until about a month ago, and he was here for five minutes.

I'm actually still angry about having to go to his college graduation party to help my mom. He didn't go to either my college or grad school graduations, but there would have been hell to pay if I'd not gone to this stupid party. Serves him right that his friend was hitting on me all night. (He HATES that.)

So, I'm refusing to feel guilty about not going to watch him in the marathon. I mean, I'm trying to refuse to feel guilty. If I'm still pissed about stuff that happened years and years ago (and I am), it should be easier.

Oddly enough, this is one area where I've been super vocal. Hasn't done one bit of good. The way my parents -- especially my mom -- treated him better than us and made us wait on him and do shit for him. He still fucks off and doesn't help with shit when we're all home and it's totally okay because he's the youngest and he's the only boy. FUCK. YOU.

It was bitterly funny that at my nephew's football game Saturday, there was some sort of discussion about family (when isn't there?) and my aunt said a couple of times, "It's hard to say 'no' to your family." Lady, you're preaching to the choir on that one.

I'm trying very hard to create more boundaries and say no more often. And I think I've made some progress, especially since the whole golf bullshit thing a couple of months ago. After the wedding shit last weekend, and hearing about how things went on Saturday when everyone went to the farm (but not me, because I'd had enough of all of them), I think I'll feel better/okay about saying no more to the family at large, too. It's easier with my mom's family, because half of them are total dicks.

Anyway, I think it's totally okay for me to skip the marathon today, especially because it's my brother's stupid wedding that means we don't get birthday and Christmas presents this year (from each other). I was fine with the idea of doing it last year. We ended up exchanging gifts last year, anyway. I like it as an idea. But I'm PISSED that the reason we're finally doing it is because of this wedding. Way to fucking ruin everything. Oh well. This means I will have more money to spend on The Boy I Currently Like. Or on booze and lip gloss. Whatever.


Anonymous said...

not to be nosy, but what nationality are you all? this dancing around your brother because he's the boy sounds almost Italian? ( i grew up in Rhode Island so this dynamic is all too familiar with me) and, no, you're not the asshole. i swear.

Jess said...

I don't think its really nosy when I've mentioned it. My dad's family is Irish Catholic and my mom's is German. She's one of five headstrong daughters raised by a crazy, self-centered, domineering woman and her kowtowed husband.

I'm not sure how that would explain why she has and will always let my brother get away with murder. I think it's more about him being the baby of the family.

Anonymous said...

that sounds more likely. less fair, but more likely.