We've been inundated with new people at the company who has the office next door to ours. They also have employees on other floors in our building and in the other building in the complex, as well.
I'm not entirely sure what these people do, exactly. However, their reading/reading comprehension/spatial reasoning/not-being-an-asshole skills definitely leave something to be desired. To be fair, this group is not nearly as bad in the loo as their predecessors were. It's sad when not shitting on the toilet seat is considered an improvement (of course, at the gym tonight there was one toilet with blood on the seat and another unflushed and full of shit. Awesome!).
These new people seem to need some pointers about ... well, lots of things. Since I'm helpful, I'll try to lay them out here.
1. Your Tahoe is not compact. It is, in fact, the opposite of compact. You should not be parking in the "Compact Only" spot. Ditto for your 4x4 extended cap pickup.
2. The "No Smoking" sign means exactly what it says. No smoking. You shouldn't stand directly in front of the sign and smoke.
3. The sign next to the "No Smoking" sign that says "Smoking permitted in designated areas only" means no smoking. It's clearly not a designated area, what with the "No Smoking" sign right there next to it.
4. The sign next to the "Smoking permitted in designated areas only" sign which says, "Smoking is prohibited in this establishment and within 25 feet of entrances" also means no smoking. The statute number should make you realize it is A REAL LAW.
5. Look, if you can reach out and touch the sign, you're too close. Given the print on the thing, if you can read the sign, you're probably still too close.
6. DON'T FEED THE FUCKING SQUIRRELS. And for fuck's sake, don't call to them like they are domesticated cats or something. They are RODENTS, you stupid motherfucking assholes. I'm starting to feel like I'm back at the U. Given the squirrel problems there, that's NOT a good thing. I'm sorry you're lonely, but you're not going to make those things your fucking pets. Get a goddamn cat.
7. Your lunch does not belong in our refrigerator. I'm not sure what makes you think it's okay to walk into an office with a name on the door that is not the name of the company for which you work, walk to the back and put your shit in our refrigerator, but that ain't cool, buddy.
8. Toilet paper and pee go in the the toilet; not around the toilet or on the seat.
9. Paper towels go in any of the three trash receptacles in the bathroom.
10. The bathroom sink is not the place to wash the mud and gravel from your fresh kicks. No one wants to use a sink clogged with mud and gravel, douchenozzle.