11 January 2010

Some things just should not exist.

I give you cooter cosmetics as a prime example. (via Jezebel, natch.)

What is this cooter cosmetic, you ask? Well, I will tell you. Or I will let the company tell you.

My New Pink Button (tm) is a temporary dye to restore the youthful pink color back to your labia. There is no other product like it. This patent pending formula was designed by a female certified Paramedical Esthetician after she discovered her own genital color loss. While looking online for a solution she discovered thousands of other women asking the same questions regarding their color loss. After countless searches revealing no solution available and a discussion with her own gynecologist she decided to create her own. Now there is a solution!

What the fuck is a Paramedical Esthetician? Is it anything like a scientician? Did she go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College?

I have more questions. Like, who spends that much time checking out her lady parts to notice that the luster is gone? I mean, yeah, I would probably notice if I ended up with an awful sunburn or my little girl turned purple (you'd probably feel those kinds of things first, I suspect). But "the youthful pink color?" Yeah, not so much. Besides, I don't care if it's all FDA-approved and created by a Genuine Scientician, labia makeup will probably give you a yeast infection.

Honestly. This shit is getting ridiculous -- vaginoplasty, anal bleach, labia makeup -- it has to stop. It's bad enough being a woman without all of this other shit created simply to make me feel worse about the way I look. And shit I never would have thought to worry about if someone hadn't said to women, "Hey -- your pussy doesn't look quite the way it should. We can fix that!" Maybe you should shut the fuck up.


the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Of all the words in the world used to describe a vagina, cooter is the one I refuse to utter aloud.

Jess said...

It's kinda my favorite, but it does seem to lose something when said out loud.

Though, that doesn't stop me from complaining "Why did you have to kick me in the cooter?" when playing Tekken with The Boy.

#1Nana said...

Just stumbled across your blog and damm if I didn't laugh out loud. Good job!

oh well why not? said...

First off I thought spending that much time on something inane was fucked out. I guess I was wrong.
Second off, who the hell is going to notice if their partners lady parts aren't as pink as they used to be? Isn't it accepted as we age our bodies change?
Finally who in their right mind is going to stop mid coitus because the lady parts aren't as pink?

I would like to have a new game show invented for my amusement. called "Blowhard or Retard" With the individual who designed this product being the first contestant.

my name is Amanda said...

Oh. wow. I have never, EVER thought about the color of my vagina until now. Pink is all girlish and virginal, then? Seriously vomiting. I caught a Jezebel article a couple months about about a woman who needed reconstructive surgery to correct HER UTERUS FALLING OUT, and was *thrilled* afterward to have a brand spanking new vagina "of a 13-year old." So disgusting.

And "cooter" is an excellent word.

Jess said...

Thank you, #1Nana.

On your second point, OWWN, no, it isn't accepted. There are segments of many industries devoted to telling us we need to buy their products to get rid of gray hair and wrinkles, firm up your saggy tits and ass, fix your boner problems, help you with peeing and God knows what else because AGING IS NOT OKAY.

Amanda, did they restore her hymen, too? I mean, shit; if you're going to have the vagina of a 13-year-old, might as well go all out. I wonder if it had that "new vadge" smell.

Sigivald said...

"Paramedical Estheticians work with plastic surgeons and dermatologists in pre-and postoperative skin care. Under the guidance of a licensed health care provider, they provide treatments that prepare the skin for surgery for a more comfortable healing process."

Thank you, internet!

Jess said...

I was really hoping to stay willfully ignorant on the subject.

Taylorvillegirl said...

Oh great. One more thing to stress over in the never ending quest to be a Super Skinny Hot Chick.
My cooter? Seriously?
Diet, exercise, waxing, coloring, tweezing, firming and now re-pinking my cooter.
I give up.
Does anyone have cupcakes? And a snuggie?

Mone said...

I have never ever even thougth about the color of my cooter. Next thing we know there are real skin color tattos available, hah.

Jon said...

Cooter aesthetics? And I thought men shaving their asses was beyond comprehension.

I guess the next thing is metrosexual genital shaving and cosmetic parties. Fondue will probably not be a good choice for party snacks. Then again, fondue might be the rage at metrosexual genital shaving and cosmetic parties. Rotel tomatos are known to be spicy.