05 November 2009

Leave yoga angry in a few simple steps.

It should be noted that I was in a good mood before class started.

1. Bear Fitness instructor's class runs long. Because I can't ever get enough ear-splitting techno and hollering over said techno.

2. Bear Fitness instructor hangs around, chatting with a student about why she seemed so tired, taking up more of our class time.

3. Bear Fitness instructor finally leaves, promising to turn off the lights in the studio.

4. Bear Fitness instructor didn't turn off the lights. Nor did the front desk. Spend entire yoga class looking at your dry, ugly feet; ugly face; fat ass and other various disgusting body parts in harsh, fluorescent lighting.

5. Martial arts students chatting and practicing on the studio floor, in the mirror, distracting the shit out of you, what with all the fucking lights and all.

6. Have a yoga instructor who doesn't know her left from her right, a thigh from a shin, Warrior One from Warrior Two or Tree Pose from Triangle Pose.

Want to keep feeling bad after you leave?

7. Buy a prepackaged bag of lettuce mix at Trader Joe's because you don't want to make another stop at Rainbow just to buy a head of lettuce, when the other things you need are cheaper at TJ's.

8. Avoid the second grocery stop because you have to drive to the rental property management office to drop off your rent check because you just can't fucking get it together enough to put your check in an envelope, put a stamp on the envelope and get it in the mail in time to avoid a late fee. Feel a tiny bit less bad when someone else pulls up at the same time doing the same thing.

9. Something else about valet dudes running into traffic on Lake Street and playing chicken with other drivers on Bryant.

10. OH! Drive past a house on Bryant Avenue, just north of 31st Street, that has CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS IN THE THEIR FUCKING YARD.



Stephanie said...

Sorry about the shitty night, dude. Hope you had a drink or three.

Jess said...


Reuben said...

yoga instructor totally should have turned off the lights.

Jess said...

She would have if she could. Unfortunately, the lights for the studio are in a closet in the men's locker room.

Becca said...

I just now realized that your profile picture is a picture of you jugs! At least I assume they are your jugs based on your description. NICE!

Jess said...

Those are my jugs indeed.

I'd like to thank you, Becca, for reading my words all this time instead of staring at my rack.

*sniff* This is a very momentous day for me, even if it's a tiny picture on the interwebs that wasn't oggled. Or something.

'Nelley said...

Hahahahahahaha! I saw xmas lights on a house too - in fricking OCTOBER!! Who does that?? It just makes me mad that people can't wait a few weeks (days in this case) until November when its socially acceptable to put up your obscene holiday light display. Worse part - the lights looked as tho they were just thrown onto the front deck and left for dead. Double hilarity!
Oh and for the record - I was TOTALLY staring at your rack. Big boobed girls for life!

Jess said...

I'm pretty sure it's evil people who do that shit. They think they're all pure and just loving the holidays. But we know better. Oh yes, we do.

Is it wrong to thank one person for not staring at my rack and to thank another for staring at it? Do I care? No.