08 October 2009

Well, that was unexpected.

Turns out I lied even worse about how much I drank last year on my health assessment. Only two to three drinks a week? Lady, what were you thinking? But that's not what this post is about. I promised a recap of my preachy doctor.

Last year at my annual exam, I was considering switching my birth control to the IUD. When I discussed it with my doctor, who was only going to give me a referral to talk to a gynecologist about it, she went on and on about how I needed to have come to terms with not wanting kids, how I needed to have made peace with not wanting kids.

It was annoying, to say the least. However, in her defense, she was prepping me for the gynecologist. She or he would be the one determining whether or not I was worthy of an IUD and I had to be ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN I didn't want kids.

When it came down to it, I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to talk about it with The Boy I Currently Like. I just wasn't ready for that level of commitment to anything or anyone.

But now? I'm ready. I was ready several months ago. When exactly I decided to bring it up with The Boy kind of escapes me ... it was July or August. I wasn't sure we were ready to talk about it, but I figured putting the subject out there well in advance would give us discuss anything issues that might come up around it.

That wasn't necessary. After getting over my "Hey, can I talk to you about something before we get too drunk," inelegant opener to the conversation (you should have seen his face), he was fully on board. The benefits to me and the fact that all he has to do is not fuck around on me and take me to and from the insertion appointment sold him on it, I guess. And I made absolutely certain he knew how badly my lady parts could be fucked up if I was to contract an STD with an IUD.

Fast forward to today. While discussing with my doctor what prescriptions I would need refills for (uh, all of them?), we came to my birth control pills and I brought up the discussion from last year. I told her I was ready this year and she said, "You're sure you don't want kids?" Yes. "Positive? We probably talked about this last year," and that was it.

Really? That's it? I did mention that I still wasn't sure, because in the course of my research, I've read about women developing really bad acne once they had the hormonal IUD inserted. No one I know has had that problem and my doctor wasn't even aware that was a side effect, but Pizza Face is the last fucking thing I need. My skin is bad enough, for fuck's sake.

So, I thought that was it. But while she was moving from my Pap to the internal exam, she was struck with an idea. There was another birth control option. It is called Essure. I'd never heard of it; it's relatively new. She apologized for forgetting about it and gave me a brief rundown. It is non-hormonal, and it is permanent.

Wait. What? Permanent?

Y'all -- it's non-surgical sterilization. They insert these itty-bitty springs in the opening of your Fallopian tubes and after three months, it scars over and you won't get pregnant. It's done in the clinic and takes less than an hour -- the average time for the actual procedure is 13 minutes. Also, the company's website says that if you get it done in the clinic, you might have to drop a copay. That can't be right, but if I could spend $15 on permanent birth control, I AM SO THERE.

First of all, after the discussion last year, the fact that she just mentioned this off-hand kind of floored me. Also, I AM SO EXCITED. I don't want to get too excited, but I'm really fucking excited. She said she thought they'd recommend it for me. I've only done the most cursory of research. It concerns me that they don't know what the long-term effects of it are, as it is very new. There's a three-month transition period where you need to use alternative birth control, but from what I've seen, I could use The Pill for that. You can't have it if you have a nickel sensitivity and I can't wear anything but sterling silver or gold jewelry, but they do a skin test.

I just can't fucking believe that she mentioned this so nonchalantly and that I might actually be able to do it. My consult with the gynecologist isn't until late this month (right after, I get to have my mammogram! Wheeeeeeeee!), so I have time to talk with The Boy about it and do research on these tiny springs. But seriously, you guys, I'm really fucking stoked about the possibilities here.


Diana said...

I don't know what the big fucking deal with the IUD is. I had one for nine years (non-hormonal, cause the hormones make me flare, which is why the Pill and Depo and stuff just can't happen anymore), and you'll note the bouncing baby I have. An IUD is reversible, FFS, and practically given out in Eastern Europe on a girl's 13th birthday. You have one fuck up in the 70s, man, and everyone gets their undies all in a bunch.

I'm looking at getting another IUD before I send The Boy in to get his balls played with, and am so intrigued by the Essure. Alas, I break out just looking at the word "nickel" so it's not to be. :( But the IUD was great, and I hear tell the hormonal ones even get rid of some of the monthly bullshit...

Reuben said...

I'm surprised you don't want to give abstinence a try!

Jess said...

Well, I lost my ... purity ring? so ...

It's not the least bit convincing when I'm not sure what they're called, is it?

Yes, Di, the hormonal IUD does have the potential to completely stop your period. That's also the one that causes acne. I think it's a matter of what side effects are less odious, unfortunately.