Last week, I ran across a piece on Jezebel about hate crushes. A hate crush? I have TONS of hate crushes. I just had no idea there was a term for them. A lame term, to be sure, but a term nonetheless.
If I currently have a hate crush, I guess it's toward The Creepy New Guy at work. That doesn't really fit the definition, though. I just pretty much abjectly hate him. He's gross, wears too much cologne and I really, really do not like the way he looks at me. I go out of my way to not speak to him or even look at him, if at all possible.
No, my last hate crush has ebbed at this point, I think. The whole thing started because of this blog, as it turns out. There was a reader who showed up occasionally and left weird comments. I started seeing her elsewhere on the blogosphere. Then one day, I wrote about the fact that I was going to meet The Boy I Currently Like for the first time. She commented on that post and I still didn't think too much of the situation.
That all changed the following day when I checked my blog e-mail account and found out she'd e-mailed me. I'm not sure if it's possible to make this long story short, but it turned out she'd been corresponding with The Boy for quite some time and had quite significant feelings for him and here she was making me feel like some sort of virtual homewrecker because I had a "date" with him coming up in a couple of days.
Her unsolicited e-mails to me set in motion what was to become my hate crush. It went on for a long time -- well more than a year. I started reading her blog and became almost as obsessed with it as it seemed she had been with mine. I told my friends about her latest ridiculous post or comment or e-mail or whatever. The Boy and I would occasionally talk about her, as she kept contacting him with crazy schemes to try to get us to all be friends. Sometimes it seemed like she wanted to be friends with me, other times it was obvious she hated me.
As for the whole idea that what you hate about your hate crush is what you don't like about yourself, I absolutely think that's true. I do not at all like her writing style -- it's torturous and pretentious and absolutely fucking boring. I cringe to think people might feel the same about my writing. I've been worried about looking pathetic in regard to unrequited feelings I've had toward guys in the past; more stuff I could see in her writing. I don't want to ever feel or seem like I'm trying too hard to make people like me. I didn't want to be toyed with or led on the way she seemed to have been.
But there was also the fact that I was so angry at her for inserting herself into my life. I didn't want to or need to know anything about her or whatever relationship she thought she might have had with the guy I was going to meet in a few days. As if that situation isn't stressful enough on it's own. As if the early weeks and months aren't fraught with potential landmines as it is. Why was she trying to get closure from me? There was nothing I could do for her. I certainly don't want to be friends with someone who caused me so much grief for so long when the whole situation didn't directly involve me.
Thankfully, she seems to have gone away and I don't think too much about her. Should she pop back up again (and people who drive me crazy have a tendency to do that), I worry that the hate crush could be rekindled. I don't want that. I don't need that kind of stress. Maybe writing about it will make me able to just look away, if she's not really gone. I hope so.