21 September 2009

Bras really are marvelous things.

I'm not even talking about the clever engineering bra designers use to create bras that will stop The Girls from bouncing all over the place while I am working out.

No, bras have many other uses, including ceremonial headgear and makeshift purses. I mean, who among us (except most -- if not all -- of you male readers) hasn't stashed some cash in her bra during a night on the town, only to wonder where it went? I can't count the number of times I've drunkenly flung off a bra only to find the $20 I thought I'd lost falling to the floor or still stuck to my tit.

Now that I have a little extra space in my sport bra, I've realized I can stash some rather large things in there. A few weeks ago, I was walking around Lake Calhoun on my way home from or to somewhere, and instead of just my house key tied to my shoe, I had my car key and key fob. That's not something that really works being tied to your shoe, and I hate holding things while I'm walking. Also, my workout pants have no pockets.

So, I thought, "Maybe it'll be fine in my bra." I mean, I keep my iPod in my bra all the time. The weird lines aren't that big of a deal, as the cord for my earbuds comes out of my shirt. But lo -- not only did it work just fine, my key and key fob seemed to just melt into my boobie. Awesome! Tonight, I wanted to go to Rainbow on my way home to pick up some groceries, because I can't get everything in one trip. Ever. But I didn't want to carry my list, cash and reusable bag. Ooooh, here's an idea: stick it in your bra.

See, the reusable bag folds up into something that fits in the palm of your hand. The list went into that and I tried it in the bra. Hot fucking damn, it worked. Yeah, it was considerably more lumpy than either the iPod or key/fob. But the lines weren't as weird. I stuck my $20 directly into the bra instead of into the bag with the list, as I like the feel of cash against my skin. Don't judge.

Okay, okay. I will admit it isn't a perfect solution. Using the self-checkout does mean no one has to touch my sweaty money, though. And I had enough forethought to extract the bag from my bra before I actually entered the store. Fishing money out of your bra is neither classy nor easy to do on the down low. So I'm being less-than-classy. However, I'm red-faced, sweaty and wearing shitty workout clothes. The classy train left the station a while ago. What can you do?

5 comments:

Bill From Gainesville said...

a twenty dollar bill with boobie sweat on it is actually worth 21 dollars....

Jess said...

Oh sure. Now you tell me.

Diana said...

Fuck classy. I keep my phone in my bra, and it's fun to watch the reaction when I whip it out. The phone. God, get your mind out of the gutter. Although, the next time my 12 year old brother is in town, I might try to remember to wear something with pockets.

Jess said...

Wise idea.

Leah Rubin said...

Hilarious! I got the mental picture, and I love it! Keep us posted...