I'm not even talking about the clever engineering bra designers use to create bras that will stop The Girls from bouncing all over the place while I am working out.
No, bras have many other uses, including ceremonial headgear and makeshift purses. I mean, who among us (except most -- if not all -- of you male readers) hasn't stashed some cash in her bra during a night on the town, only to wonder where it went? I can't count the number of times I've drunkenly flung off a bra only to find the $20 I thought I'd lost falling to the floor or still stuck to my tit.
Now that I have a little extra space in my sport bra, I've realized I can stash some rather large things in there. A few weeks ago, I was walking around Lake Calhoun on my way home from or to somewhere, and instead of just my house key tied to my shoe, I had my car key and key fob. That's not something that really works being tied to your shoe, and I hate holding things while I'm walking. Also, my workout pants have no pockets.
So, I thought, "Maybe it'll be fine in my bra." I mean, I keep my iPod in my bra all the time. The weird lines aren't that big of a deal, as the cord for my earbuds comes out of my shirt. But lo -- not only did it work just fine, my key and key fob seemed to just melt into my boobie. Awesome! Tonight, I wanted to go to Rainbow on my way home to pick up some groceries, because I can't get everything in one trip. Ever. But I didn't want to carry my list, cash and reusable bag. Ooooh, here's an idea: stick it in your bra.
See, the reusable bag folds up into something that fits in the palm of your hand. The list went into that and I tried it in the bra. Hot fucking damn, it worked. Yeah, it was considerably more lumpy than either the iPod or key/fob. But the lines weren't as weird. I stuck my $20 directly into the bra instead of into the bag with the list, as I like the feel of cash against my skin. Don't judge.
Okay, okay. I will admit it isn't a perfect solution. Using the self-checkout does mean no one has to touch my sweaty money, though. And I had enough forethought to extract the bag from my bra before I actually entered the store. Fishing money out of your bra is neither classy nor easy to do on the down low. So I'm being less-than-classy. However, I'm red-faced, sweaty and wearing shitty workout clothes. The classy train left the station a while ago. What can you do?