01 September 2009

Almost at a loss for words. Almost.

Dear Older Couple at the gym:

It's truly adorable that you guys work out together, alternating turns on the equipment. Hearing snippets of your braying, undoubtedly witty banter over the music blasting from my iPod into my ears is delightful. Seeing the tender neck massage you, the husband, are giving your wife while you sit on the Ass Blaster machine truly warms the cockles of my cold, dead heart.

However, it's really goddamn rude of you to hog adjacent equipment when you're the one not currently lifting. There's no need to sit there when someone else could be using that machine. I really shouldn't have to ask if you're using it (clearly, you're not) and then ask if maybe I could have a go.

What's even worse than that, though, is you male member of the couple, sitting on the hamstring curl machine, with your ass and old balls right where my face will be hovering if I decide to ask if I could use the machine you're so clearly not actually using.

And I really, REALLY didn't need to see you scratching your old, sweaty, wrinkly balls in the exact place my face would be. That was so gross I couldn't even be bothered to make a huge show about cleaning the bench before I used it. All the cleaner/disinfectant/most-likely-just-colored-water in the world isn't going to get me to use that machine tonight.

By the way, I'm sure your wife appreciated the show, what with her face directly at crotch-level while she worked out on the machine facing you. Quite the charmer, you. She's a lucky lady.

Yours in Christ,
Jess

6 comments:

Reuben said...

I was going to invite you to one of my famous dinner parties, but I can tell from this post that you totally wouldn't be into it... oh well.

Eyes Wide Open said...

Hahaaa! Love me some old balls.
I was at the gym yesterday (not watching Full House on the treadmill) when I looked up to see one of the 'characters' from the homeless shelter downtown standing in front of me, just staring. She continued this behavior for about 20 minutes, then started wailing like a toddler, took of her shirt, threw it in the garbage and left. I damn near fell off the treadmill.
Keeps the workouts from getting boring anyway, right?

Jess said...

You have TVs and a view of the outdoors? How decadent! It is nice of people to keep things interesting for us at the gym. Part of the reason I keep going is the blog fodder.

It was an honor to at least be considered, Reuben.

Baglady said...

Euch. Old scrote. Euch.

Leah Rubin said...

I KNOW!! There's a couple at my gym exactly like these two, and it kills me. Of course, I'm about the same age as them, but I HAVE MANNERS! Drivin' me nuts! Thanks for bringing it up!

Jess said...

Manners? Why, that's a novel concept.