Dear Older Couple at the gym:
It's truly adorable that you guys work out together, alternating turns on the equipment. Hearing snippets of your braying, undoubtedly witty banter over the music blasting from my iPod into my ears is delightful. Seeing the tender neck massage you, the husband, are giving your wife while you sit on the Ass Blaster machine truly warms the cockles of my cold, dead heart.
However, it's really goddamn rude of you to hog adjacent equipment when you're the one not currently lifting. There's no need to sit there when someone else could be using that machine. I really shouldn't have to ask if you're using it (clearly, you're not) and then ask if maybe I could have a go.
What's even worse than that, though, is you male member of the couple, sitting on the hamstring curl machine, with your ass and old balls right where my face will be hovering if I decide to ask if I could use the machine you're so clearly not actually using.
And I really, REALLY didn't need to see you scratching your old, sweaty, wrinkly balls in the exact place my face would be. That was so gross I couldn't even be bothered to make a huge show about cleaning the bench before I used it. All the cleaner/disinfectant/most-likely-just-colored-water in the world isn't going to get me to use that machine tonight.
By the way, I'm sure your wife appreciated the show, what with her face directly at crotch-level while she worked out on the machine facing you. Quite the charmer, you. She's a lucky lady.
Yours in Christ,