For whatever reason, at the gym tonight, I was struck by a realization: I no longer hate my body. Hey, sweet! Don't get me wrong -- I still strongly dislike many (if not most) parts of my body. That will always be the case. I'm no longer disgusted, though. In fact, there are parts of my body I actually quite like.
While the overall realization has been sudden, there've been plenty of little things here and there that have been pointing to a change in my attitude toward myself.
There is the muscle tone I've noticed in my upper arms. I saw pictures from the wedding in Portland, where I was wearing a strapless dress with a sheer sleeveless fake wrap top. I had a little sweater, but I was hot and I just didn't fucking care, so I took it off. When I saw pictures, I was like, "Hey, I don't look terrible. I am okay if people see this picture."
(Of course, I wanted to wear that same dress for a wedding on Saturday, but my strapless bra is entirely too big now. Do I buy a $60 bra or a $60 dress? Can I even find a strapless bra in my size in a store?)
My upper back and shoulders are displaying a bit more definition. I'm really quite pleased with my ass. The definition in my calves (when fully flexed ... can't win 'em all) is fairly bad-ass. The rest? Well ... I'm a work in progress.
It's not just the way I look, though. I feel stronger and more flexible and healthier and all of those things. I'm okay with taking a day off from working out, suddenly, or maybe leaving a bit early because the equipment I like to use was taken. I know I'll be back the next day. This is my life, now.
The Boy I Currently Like pointed out to me a good three months ago that he thought I looked good naked and was looking better and better naked. It was nice of him to say, but how much stock can you put into it? He liked me 25 pounds ago, for one thing. He's also sticking it to me on a regular basis. I'm actually glad, though, that it took me a while to agree with him. My self-image shouldn't be based on what others think of me, right?
Besides, there's plenty to still dislike. My terrible skin, often-weird hair, the increasing veins in my hands ... Let's never be happy with ourselves!