28 August 2009

Trying to find a balance.

You may or may not have noticed, but I've been in a bit of a funk lately. What? I know. It's crazy.

My problem at the moment is that it's getting harder and harder to keep it under wraps, or under control or what have you. It would have been bad enough that I had several hundred dollars worth of car repairs to deal with last month. But there was the change to the payroll, which meant an extra week without a paycheck. It also meant that I was kind of losing that third week of pay. Oh, I'll get it -- when I leave the company.

Somewhere in there, I was accused of plagiarism, which was SO awesome. Oh, but then it was time to get paid. Except, when the new pay day finally came around, I didn't get a pay check. Then two weeks later, there was another problem with the pay check. Finally, my check will have cleared and I will have money tomorrow. For a day or so.

This shit is absolutely fucking exhausting. It is just wearing on me and dragging me down. It's one thing after another and I just can't even dig myself out of the hole I'm in, much less get caught up or ahead.

I've realized that it's all I've been writing about in my blog. You don't come here to read about how much my life sucks. At the same time, the reason I started this blog was to have an outlet. That's all fine and good when no one is reading, but now I have to take y'all into consideration.

Then there are the people in my real life. If I'm getting sick to fucking death of talking about my financial and work situations (they're pretty much inseparable), I can't imagine how my friends are feeling.

But the question is, how do I deal with it? I can only talk about it so much. Putting on the happy face is such a chore. It's also a big, fat lie. Avoiding contact is a good way to not lie and to not subject the people in your life to your constant Downy-Clowniness. However, that can lead to people worrying about you.

So what do I do? Not one of those options seems to be ideal. Is there something I'm missing? Should I just stop caring? Tell everyone to fuck off? I kinda want to just hide under my bed for the next six months or so, because at this point, drinking really isn't even working anymore. I'm a little scared.


Little Ms Blogger said...

Keep going to the gym and you need to find a yoga class (I think you mentioned you haven't been in awhile).

I don't know if you meditate, but you can try that to relax a bit.

I know when things really suck for me and I don't want to scare people off (typically, I avoid them), I journal and also keep a gratitude journal - 5 things/day. It's really hard, but helps to shift your thinking.

Sorry you're going through a bad time right now.

Don't if any my suggestions helped.

angelsroy33 said...

I say keep blogging. Believe me,...right now everybody is going thru some sort of financial debacle. It helps to know that you (and everyone on here who reads this,) that they are not alone with there finance trouble. So I say keep blogging baby. And keep working out however you wish,...like Little Ms Blogger said. It will help, and eventually there will be light at the end of the tunne. I promise.

Jess said...

Oh, don't worry (or maybe you should worry?) -- I don't intend to quit blogging. I was more concerned about y'all having to read a blog written by Debbie Downer.

Yoga is allegedly going to start back up on Wednesday. There have been a lot of false starts and missed deadlines, but I'm really, really hoping that I've been told the truth this time. I desperately need yoga mentally and physically right now.

As for the rest of it, I used to journal, and that actually turned into blogging. I guess that was part of the reason I felt (and continue to feel sometimes) conflicted about putting everything -- good or bad -- here.

The gratitude journal is new, though. I might try that.

Things are ... well, not looking up, exactly. But the PMS has eased a bit, so things don't seem quite as bad.

my name is Amanda said...

I'm a couple days behind in commenting but I just wanted to say that the #1 thing that I love about your blog is that you talk about real things happening in your life. Not just fun things you did on the weekend or whatever. You talk about the day-the-day, the things that piss you off, the things that make you happy. It's real, and human, and it feels more authentic. If you know what I mean. Anyway, I feel the same way about striking a balance - not just in complaining during bad spells, but in many ways - the big one being "is it okay to make this public?" I'm sure you know - it's a question mark that must be answered every time.

Anyway, that's the long way of saying that - as a regular reader (though not a regular commenter) - your successive complaining posts didn't bother me at all. It's life. But I'm glad to read in the comments that things are looking (a little) up. Godspeed, Fellow Blogger!