28 July 2009

I hate when the Sisterhood keeps me in the dark.

Sometime in the last few days (work completely fried my brain today -- I'm barely sure what day it is), Jezebel directed me to one of the latest pieces of poo to drop out of the anus that is Men's Health.

First things first: That list was written by a woman. And you know, I for one, think it's really charitable of Cosmo to let their shitty sex writers moonlight for other publications. Especially in this economy. Scrunchies can't be cheap, y'all.

Secondly, that list is fucking ridiculous. Some of them I don't even understand. Perhaps this is why I am the suck at flirting. Because, if I'm in the bathroom for more than the three minutes it takes to pee (who the fuck takes three minutes to pee?), it might mean I'm pooping. Or fucking with my hair. Masturbating? Calling a friend to come and save me? Climbing out the window? Puking? What does it even matter? Is that supposed to be an invitation to have bathroom sex? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

But that insipid list is actually neither here nor there. I saw another list while reading that steaming pile of excrement. This one was also written by a "woman." The list is called "6 Secret Ways to Turn Her On." Reading, replacing the bottles on water coolers and writing lengthy e-mails are among the no-fail ways into your girl's pants. I know this delicate flower is always waiting around for some strapping hunk to replace my water bottle.

It's item number six, though, that I wish I'd known this weekend. Apparently, when The Boy snapped at me while we were playing Tekken (because I have an incredibly annoying and distracting habit of talking to/yelling at my characters, even when I'm winning, which makes it extra distracting?), I should have jumped his bones immediately. Instead, I shut the fuck up and turned all of my focus to the game. This led to me figure out a move that worked well for my character, which in turn led me to beat him in probably 15 out of 19 matches, nearly bringing our winning percentages to 50 each.

Sadly, we went to bed before I could even things up. But that led to the jumping of bones, so I guess everyone won in the end.

1 comment:

Little Ms Blogger said...

That list made me want to throw up in my mouth.

I can't believe a woman wrote that list? Lip gloss? How often do you need to apply it when out drinking - ruins the bottle/glass.