31 July 2009

God's Stimulus Plan.

Yes, you read that right. On my way down to Mankato today to get my hair did, I saw a new pro-life billboard outside of St. Peter. Unfortunately, I was going too fast and there were too many cars around for me to slam on my brakes to try to pull over to get a picture. It really wasn't even safe to slow down and there was just too damn much copy on the billboard to know what the fuck it was all about.

But I know it was a pro-life billboard. There were two very telling signs: the font and the ugly babies.

So, the billboard said (among many other things -- too many other things): "God's Stimulus Plan." And there was a box full of ugly babies pictured. That's right. A four-pack of ugly babies in a cardboard box. Sadly, the lid had been discarded a few feet away. It might have been better if it was on.

What on Earth could God's Stimulus Plan be? I have my theories (that I've now discussed with The Boy I Currently Like and Diana, while holding her not-in-the-least-bit ugly wee bairn). They include:

    Storing ugly babies in boxes boosts the cardboard and warehouse/storage industries and also saves parents money on food and other personal baby items.

    Less competition for attractive babies. They'll be getting commercials and winning contests like nobody's business. This will give their parents additional disposable income.

    Perhaps the ugly babies will be made to work. Or they will be eaten.

    Babies will be stored in boxes to be sold on the Black Market.

    Maybe the plan is just to make people have more babies, thereby spending money on medical care, diapers, baby food and all the other shit babies need. With another Baby Boom, in a few years, there will be a need for more pre-school teachers and then kindergarten teachers and on down the line. Think of the back-to-school and holiday dollars that will be spent! It boggles the mind.

I think I'll be heading home for another visit in a few weeks, as my aunties will be visiting. The trip will be a little longer, but I think it will be worth it to get a picture of this billboard. Maybe I'll even figure out what the fuck God's Stimulus Plan is.


Emily said...

I saw that on my way up to St. Croix State Park to go camping, and me and the three other people had a long conversation in the car about what exactly that meant. And how the other side wouldn't be able to get away with a billboard that said "The Ultimate Bailout."

But me? I prefer the billboards with Down's Syndrome babies.

a neske said...


Is that the billboard? Those babies are ugly!! I'm a firm believer that not all babies are adorable... and we shouldn't have to lie to the new moms when we see an ugly one.

Jess said...

YES! That's it. Oh God, how did I not see the giant bow on the lid?

The one in the plaid shirt looks like he'll grow up to be a cranky old man who'll yell at those damn kids to get off his lawn.

"America's Greatest Resource?" Do these people know how much it costs to raise a kid?