01 July 2009

Defectiveness quantified.

Via Jezebel, I came across a story that tells me just how big of a loser I really am.

The Centers for Disease Control conducted a survey that shows 17 percent of women had not married for the first time by the time they were 35. For men, it was a fourth. First of all, how sad is it that "for the first time" is a part of the discussion? Second, man, am I in one select group!

Reading stories such as this often make me ask, "What the hell is wrong with me?" And I ask that not simply because I'm one of just 17 percent of the women in this country my age who has not managed to land a husband (or who live in a state where same-sex marriage is legal. Though, I doubt that was even considered).

I also wonder what's wrong with me because I was never that little girl who dreamed of her wedding day. You hear so often about people having their dream wedding or their dream wedding dress; about women who've envisioned the entire thing before they're even engaged. Me? I've never been able to see myself in a wedding dress. The idea of a wedding strikes fear and panic in my heart. All that work, planning and expense? DO NOT WANT. I've never been able to see myself being married.

So, am I defective because I'm not married? Or am I defective because being married really isn't that important to me? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't want to get married some day. I just don't see it ever happening to me.

Besides, the whole thing is terrifying. Well, I'm terrified of the idea of divorce. If I'm not married, I don't have to go through a divorce. It's kind of the same situation I'm in with The Boy I Currently Like. On the one hand, I wouldn't mind if we finally decided to start using the boyfriend/girlfriend labels. If for no other reason than I'm totally fucking lazy and it's easier to call him that than "my friend" or "the guy I'm dating," or something equally wordy and awkward. And there's a sense of security that comes with the label. But at the same time, those labels mean something and there are connotations and expectations and then if everything goes wrong it's a big-deal break-up instead of "we stopped seeing each other."

The worst part, though, is that society has led me to feel like a defective. I've got a job I don't hate where my work is praised and appreciated. My family isn't too bad. I've got the best friends a girl could ask for -- many of whom are my age and not married, I might add. Of course, some of them aren't legally allowed to marry in Minnesota, but that's neither here nor there. I don't think any of them see themselves as defective. I certainly don't see them that way. So why should I feel like a freak?

At the end of the day, though, I know things could be much worse. I could have fallen for this bullshit. Maybe I'd just wasted more time with him. Maybe I'd have gotten married. But if I had, I'd most certainly be divorced. Bullet dodged.


Little Ms Blogger said...

Kudos to you! You rock.

Marriage isn't for everyone. Yes, I'm married. Yes, this is my second and last time. Trust me, after my divorce, I felt no desire to ever marry again.

Many women get really weird (alright they become asses) when they hit the 40 mark. This need to get married baffles me.

Personally, my philosophy is a marriage doesn't make you happy, you do. You make yourself complete.

Society pisses me off with their studies. I've seen too many good women become depressed because society has labeled them odd for being single and loving life.

Different note, if you & the boy you currently like are exclusive, he's your boyfriend. However, this could make life harder or easier for you (mom wanting to me him etc.).

a neske said...

I agree completely! You are in NO way defective.

I've been married for a little over a year and a half... and on several occasions I've just wished for my singledom back.

My husband and I have agreed... neither one of us is EVER getting married again - should the unthinkable happen. However our reasoning is very much different.

He won't get married again because I'm the love of his life - or so he says.

And I won't get married again because there's no way in HELL I'd go through the pain all over.


Be happy in your singleness... and cuddle that boy you like.

simple girl said...

Seriously, at this point I really don't like the idea of marriage. I was the same way when I was younger, never gave a crap about what my wedding would be like one day. I did get married (and divorced by 28) and I really have no desire to settle down again. I'm completely comfortable with the cohabitation arrangement but I'm not real sure I want to give up my new found independence. I am so happy I don't have a ring on my finger. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Jon said...

Planning on marriage is like planning a vacation. There's the possiblity of crummy living arrangements, bad food, and too many WTF moments. The difference is that vacations usually end without hiring a lawyer and only last for a week, or so.

Emily said...

I'm with you on the lack of wedding fantasy. I don't ever remember thinking about it as a little girl, though I did recently drunkenly announce to my dad that if ever got married, I want it to be a pig roast at my hometown VFW and that I won't be able to wear white because of the barbeque sauce.

That sounds like a fun wedding though, right?

Jess said...

I promised myself I'd stop yelling at people who referred to The Boy and I as boyfriend/girlfriend once I heard his friends say it (but not before I scolded them for using the "g" word), so you dodged a chastising, LMB.

Y'all always make me like less of a freak. Thanks.

Emily, I think you should wear white and let the sauce fall where it may. Let me know if you need a hog on the cheap. I can hook you up.

Becca said...

Hey girl, of course you are not defective. Sounds like you are like the rest of us. Scared to death we'll be going through the big D and don't mean Dallas. As my therapist used to say... be compassionate with yourself. Shit happens.

Although, and here is my soapbox moment. After being with the boy for what?? a whole year, if you "decided to stop seeing it other" I'm guess it would still hurt like hell whether you call him your boyfriend or not.