24 June 2009

How do they always know?

Do I have "Save me!" written on my forehead in ink only freaky religious people can see?

As I was approaching my car after work today, I saw something stuck in my window. I thought, "Oh, god dammit. What is that? Did some fucking asshole hit my fucking car? I will be so goddamn pissed!" When I got closer, I could see it was a card. Maybe someone saw Yoda on the dash and had to tell me how much I ruled.

It was not a note exactly. It was not about hitting Barbie or how totally fucking tits Yoda on the dash is. No, it was a card from a Jesus freak. There is a prayer on one side: "SAY this prayer if you mean to be truly saved (God weights the heart & cannot be mocked)." I'm not reprinting the prayer.

However, something in the prayer caught my eye. It said, "I surrender my everything to You." Let me tell you, Jesus person, the only thing to which I surrender my everything would be booze. And cheese. Yes, booze and cheese have my heart and soul. After the prayer, the card says, "Now get a Bible and get baptized in full immersion!" What does that even mean? I was already baptized. And I'm not getting my hair wet, assholes.

The other side is red and says some more bible-y, Jebus-y shit about being saved or us all being sinners or some shit I've probably heard before. The really bizarre thing, though, was that when I looked around, I didn't see a single car with that fucking card anywhere on it.

This is absolutely not the first time I've been the sole person in a group singled out for an attempt at conversion or redemption or something. If I'm walking with a group of people and someone is passing out tiny Bibles or Scripture booklets, I will be the one at the end of their beeline. The people on a college campus recruiting for their cult/fellowship group? It's like they only had eyes for me. It was so bad when I was at the U in undergrad, I would tell them I worshipped Satan. That barely worked.

Can they see the devilish gleam in my eye? Do they know I'm cursing them as I see them walk toward me, because I know they're going to come to talk to me? WHAT IS IT?


Rebel Mel said...

This one day, I am at work, waitressing. Its a slow day. My first customer, an old man, leaves one of those little jesus themed comic books as my tip. No cash. Just this useless thing. I put it in my apron and wait for my next customer. about an hour later, another guy comes in and sits alone. I took all the silverware off of his table, besides the one set for himself. He asked me for an additional fork, his may have had a spot on it or something, I am not sure. I do know when he left, there were zero forks, but three knives... and a jesus comic book.

I checked my apron, and yes, I still had my original one. I peeked outside, I didn't see anyone handing these out, or them all over the ground because someone else had been handing them out. I felt really weirded out.

Now, I worked at a sports bar, so later on that night we had a few games on various tvs. One of them was the angels. One of them was the saints. I felt HAUNTED by the jesus comic books in my apron now. I went to cash out two of my tables, and they paid with credit cards. Ones last name was "Crist" and one was "Saintsurin"

I was totally weirded out at this point. What an odd time for so many coincidences. I still threw the comic books out at the end of my shift, and the next day, a friend who witnessed the entire thing gave me a gift; a pair of black socks with "Jesus Rules" written in flames.

Jess said...

Dude. That is CREEPY.

Awesome socks, though!

Reuben said...

You're soooooo going to hell.

Jess said...

Oh, absolutely.