28 April 2009

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.

If I believe CNN, that is.

Earlier this evening at the gym, I was splitting my attention between Larry King Live on CNN and some NFL Live special on the draft on ESPN.

First of all ESPN, the draft wrapped up little more than 48 hours ago and you feel the need to devote two separate, one-hour specials to it? Because there are so many scintillating things to discuss. I mean, so much has changed in the last two days, right? Oh, you don't really know anything new? Go figure. Guess it's not time for poker in your Tuesday night wasteland yet. That means I have something to look forward to at the gym this summer. Yay!

But back to CNN's Breaking Apocalypse News. Honest to Christ. Last night on The Daily Show, they did a bit about the swine flu. CNN's coverage seemed to be pretty closely aligned with Jason Jones's report that included all of Arizona being dead.

(Disclaimer: I wasn't paying super-close attention because of the other TVs. Also, I was in the back row of cardio equipment and couldn't read the closed captioning. Obviously, that means there was no sound. Still, you can pick things up.)

These were the "Breaking News" text boxes running while Old Man King was talking:

WORST YET TO COME?
SWINE FLU: NYC EPICENTER?
SWINE FLU: WORLD AT RISK?
CAN SWINE FLU BE STOPPED?

I also got to watch the last bit of Lou Dobbs while I was warming up. Naturally, Dobbs took the opportunity to blame immigrants for bringing swine flu to the U.S. and dooming us all. Uh, Lou? The people bringing it here are fucking tourists. But he also sounded like That Guy Jason Jones mentioned last night. He sounded like he thought governments were keeping information from us. There couldn't possibly be so few cases of swine flu. Well, duh, motherfucker. Plenty of people don't have symptoms bad enough to warrant going to the doctor. We'll never know about them. Testing and reporting take time. Keep your damn pants on, Lou. You'll get your body counts.

*sigh* Like we don't have enough shit to worry about. It's sad people need to be told to wash their hands frequently, to cover their mouths when they cough or sneeze and to stay home from work when they are unwell. Of course, at my dirty, disgusting gym, we're out of paper towels two days in a row and there's that whole nasty work bathroom thing. But I'm not so paranoid that I'm ready to start showering with bleach.

Yet.

UPDATE! I know you're all as shocked as I am, but it turns out Michelle Bachmann has something fucking ridiculous to say about the swine flu outbreak.

Rep. Michele Bachmann says she finds it an "interesting coincidence" that the last swine flu outbreak in the U.S. occurred under a Democratic president — though her claim is historically inaccurate.

The last major outbreak of swine flu occurred in 1976, when Republican Gerald Ford was president. The outbreak started when an army private died and four others were hospitalized at Fort Dix in New Jersey.

9 comments:

Little Ms Blogger said...

Never mind your gross gym, how about your bathroom at the office.


The description of that place sounds nasty.

Stephanie said...

Don't tell me--Bally's on University in St. Paul? I went last night and just thought, why don't I take my monthly dues and GO GET YOU SOME PAPER TOWELS AT COSTCO. JESUS.

Jess said...

I used to go to the Bally on University, Stephanie. Man, when I started there, it was like, overrun with drug dealers. It was AWESOME.

I'm at the SLP location on Excelsior. Good to know their problems are systemic? My aunt has a membership in suburban Chicago and it's the same fucking story.

The bathroom at the office hasn't been as bad lately, LMB. Of course, that's relatively speaking. Apparently, the men's bathroom on our floor is getting worse. I don't ask for details.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

I for one think that it's time to start looting.

Jess said...

"Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?"

"Yes. Yes I would, Kent."

The [Cherry] Ride said...

How I heart Michele Bachmann! I want to marry her in a post-apacolyptic(sp) wedding ceremony. And Glenn Beck will be our ring bearer.

Jess said...

You can have her for free if you come and haul her away, Cherry. We'll even help you load her up!

Will Dick Cheney be shooting guests in the face as they arrive at your wedding reception?

Stephanie said...

Ha, I was at the SLP Bally's tonight and I had to wipe down my treadmill with this sad little shred of a paper towel. I killed off what the Minnesota nice people left of the roll. At least when I mentioned it, they were working on it. Have you told the front deskers about the footprints? Maybe one of them would take care of it...or I can bring some Windex wipes as your hostess gift on Saturday. Come to think of it...

Jess said...

Just know that it wasn't me who left you a tiny bit of paper towel. There was plenty on the roll when I cleaned up my elliptical.

I'm less concerned about my footprints on the mirror, because I know my feet aren't nasty. Maybe a little sweaty and stinky, but they're alright for the most part.

Oooh, I have a bottle of generic window cleaner under my sink (why? no idea). Maybe I'll take that in when I go tomorrow.