30 December 2008

Skinny white boys with problems.

When people ask what kind of music I like, my answer varies depending on who is doing the asking. It's true that I listen to lots of different shit. My music collection ranges from Marty Robbins to Dr. Dre to arias to music made by what the World's Worst Wing Woman called "skinny white boys with problems."

And that categorization was never more clear to me than when I came across "The 20 hottest men in music" at NME.com. It's almost kind of ridiculous when you see them all together like that.

I have issues with this list, as everyone does with every list ever made. But come on. Pete Doherty? PETE DOHERTY? Are you kidding me? GROSS. And the "unconventionally handsome" Jonny Greenwood. Well, that's a kind way to put it, I guess. Jack White? I will freely admit that his ass looked absolutely fucking phenomenal in those tight, plaid pants he was wearing when I saw The Raconteurs at First Ave a couple of years ago, but ... well, that's about it.

How is Guy Garvey not on this list? It's an absolute fucking travesty, if you ask me. Quite frankly, I think he's even hotter now that he's "older and thicker" as he said when I saw them earlier this year. And that voice. Never mind that The Boy I Currently Like said, "What is this, a Peter Gabriel tribute band?" when I was playing Elbow one night. Don't you ever say a bad word about Elbow!

There are listees I totally agree with -- Nick Valensi, for one. I did think Keith Murray was alright when We Are Scientists first came out. But that may be more because anyone looks 10 times hotter standing next to a dork with an ironic mustache and '80s glasses. Besides, there really can be only one Keith Murray, hot or not.

I do agree with Guy Berryman, or as my friends dubbed him, the Guytron 8000, for his inability to show emotion. The manager at my gym actually reminds me of Guy, except he is neither wee nor Scottish and ends phone calls with "Sweet!"

Poor Guy. I remember loitering around the 9:30 club in DC after seeing Coldplay there with my friends in 2003. We met the band (this is why I have a picture of me, my dear friend Malina and one Chris Martin on my entertainment center). At one point, my friend Gazza was across the street, yelling at Guy Berryman something about also being from Scotland and if he wanted to talk to him, he could come across the street. Quite frankly, I don't remember most of the conversation, as I'd been keeping up drinking-wise with Gaz. This included taking off to find a bathroom (damn tiny bladder!) while the others were holding our place in line before the show. And we did find a bathroom. In an Eritrean bar where we decided we needed to stop and have a Long Island iced tea. This was also after Sambuca shots with dinner.

Does that story make my current, abject hatred of Coldplay much more confusing? Or does it explain a lot?

Who else is on that list? Oh, Jared Followill of Kings of Leon. When I first saw those guys, I think he was like, 15. It was at the 7th Street Entry and they were opening for The Coral. It was before their first CD had even released. There were maybe 15-20 people there (so suck it! I saw them before pretty much all y'all ... in Minneapolis, anyway), so I got to talk to the band after their set. For whatever reason, someone was telling me about the 40-year-old woman Jared had fucked the night before. Awesome! And you want skinny? Man. Caleb was wearing girl jeans (as per usual, I'm sure) with no underwear. Dude, we know you have a cock. You needn't show it to us. For fuck's sake, leave something to the imagination.

Goodness. That ended up being quite a bit of reminiscing.

A few years ago I made a couple of compilation CDs for a bunch of people and of course I had to call it Skinny White Boys With Problems. One disc is mellow, the other is a bit more rocking. And yes, I'm aware the rocking disc has a few bands with girls.

Naturally, I had to have cover art.

For your listening pleasure: (let me know if you need a tracklist)

Skinny White Boys With Problems: They Love to Revel in Melancholy.

Skinny White Boys With Problems: They Also Like to Rock From Time to Time.

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