10 December 2008

A hearty "Fuck you."

To the dickbags at the gym who wear their outdoor shoes while working out, or wear their gym shoes outdoors. The place has been a messy, dirty, fucking dump for a few weeks now and you fucksticks are only making it worse by tracking dirt, snow and water all over the damn gym. Assholes.

To the douchenozzles who scheduled the Insight Bowl. The game starts at 5:00 here in Minnesota, which just happens to be tipoff time for the Gopher basketball team's game against Michigan State. Thanks a ton, jerkwads. Sure, I'm totally over college football (and especially the Gophers) at the moment. However, by the end of the month I'm sure I'll be able to watch one more game. But you had to schedule it at the exact same time Tubby Smith's currently undefeated team opens the Big Ten portion of their schedule. At least I have NFL Network and can see the game if I can tear myself away from the basketball game. Awesome update! Basketball game has been moved to 11:00 a.m. This would be sweet if I wasn't going to be at work. Fucking bastards. Now I have to take the goddamn day off. Oh well. I'll be able to start drinking before noon, then!

To Burt's Bees. What the fuck did you do to my beloved Beeswax Lip Balm in the tube? I can't remember the last time I had a tube of it that didn't crack and then have a hunk break off shortly after I started using it. This never used to happen. I'm eagerly awaiting your response to the inquiry I submitted on your website on this very topic a couple of days ago. I don't want to have to switch to another lip balm, but if I'm losing a chunk of each one I buy, I'm getting cheated and I won't fucking give you any more of my money. Dicks.

To long, busy work days and weeks that somehow are only to Wednesday. What did I ever do to you? Sweet merciful Christ, how is it not Friday yet? Or at least Thursday? Go the fuck to hell.

To my body, which decided that since I had to get up an hour early yesterday, it woudl be totally neat for me to be awake for two hours in the middle of the night. I'm sure in your infinite wisdom, you'll not allow me to settle down after yoga tonight and I'll stay up much later than I should, thus ensuring I'm not much more than a zombie tomorrow. I hate you. I'll assume there's something wacky in your hormones, too, and that's why I'm angry at the world.

Once again, fuck all y'all.


scargosun said...

You gotta keep the Burts Bees lip balm warm. If it gets cold, it's all over. I JUST figured this out about a month ago. I know it's hard where you are in all the coldness. ;)

Jess said...

That would explain things if it had always happened for the several years I've been using Burt's Bees Beeswax Lip Balm. Or if it only happened in the winter. Or if it didn't happen when I keep it in my pocket and it is nice and toasty warm.

Geoffory said...

after reading this, I can NOT wait until I finally get to meet you Saturday night. I always look forward to meeting angry people (not that you're angry all of the time), but damn...everybody's all in the stupid holiday mood. I yelled at people so much in the car on the way to work this morning, that I think I pulled a muscle in my back.

Jess said...

You'll definitely get the overload of profanities, but I swear, I'm not that angry in person. Plus, I'll be drinking. What's to be angry about when I'm drinking? And not at the gym?

God, I curse at everyone while I'm driving. I've never pulled a muscle, though. Kudos to you sir!