A couple of days ago, the incomparable Justin from J&D's Bacon Salt dropped me a note to tell me he'd sent me a little gift. You may remember me talking about Bacon Salt on any number of occasions. Let me remind y'all: that shit is fucking good.
I had my first day of training for The Big Account today and the weather has been shitty, so I promptly forgot about Justin's e-mail. Well, I'd forgotten about it until I opened my door and a box fell on my foot when I got home after work. I might have peed a little from all the excitement. It's hard to say.
Let me tell y'all, "little gift" is the understatement of the year. In this box was The Ultimate Bacon Lover's Gift Pack. Wanna know what's in it?
The Ultimate in bacon goodness. For a friend, for you, or a random act of kindness. Includes a jar of Original Bacon Salt; 5 delicious new Bacon Salt flavors (Applewood, Cheddar, Mesquite, Jalapeno and Maple); a jar of Baconnaise (please specify Regular or Lite); and J&D's Bacon Lip Balm. All in a fun gift box just in time for the holidays!
Baconnaise! Holy shit! I got Baconnaise! It is the full-fat version. I was all ready to order the Lite, but I was waiting to order because I thought ordering just that was dumb. So I was going to maybe order some Christmas presents or something, but I was being lame and God, who can think about Christmas presents before Thanksgiving? Anyway, I doubt I will ever bother ordering the Lite version now. There's a reason for going to the gym, you know.
How to describe the taste of Baconnaise? Well, the smell is delightful, first of all. I had a bag of regular Popchips ('cept they are from Trader Joe's, so they are way cheaper), and I decided to use them as a means of conveyance for the Baconnaise to reach my mouth.
When the Baconnaise hit my taste buds, I'm pretty sure the Earth moved and angels sang. It tastes like the second coming of Christ. In my mouth. (That's what she said.)
Honestly, I think the fact that it is the full-fat version and I'm very much used to eating low-fat mayo might have had something to do with it. The heavy, velvety, creaminess of it makes it feel so luxurious. But it doesn't even taste like mayo. All you can taste is the bacon. It's like Bacon Salt on crack. IT IS SO FUCKING GOOD. You should get your ass some as soon as fucking possible. I'm not kidding. It's kosher and vegetarian. YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE. Well, unless you're vegan. Then I'm so, so fucking sorry. You poor bastards.
And the nine million bottles of Bacon Salt? Holy shit. I'm so excited to use them all. I'm going to be putting Bacon Salt in everything. I still haven't put Bacon Salt on peanut butter. I think that needs to happen post haste.
Oh, and the Bacon Lip Balm? Totally smells and tastes of bacon. I will be bestowing bacon-flavored kisses on anyone and everyone who wants them as long as that shit lasts. I'm not kidding.
So thank you, Justin. I should also thank Dave, 'cause Justin didn't do this all by his lonesome. I think y'all should win some sort of humanitarian award for all the good you've done for this world.