05 November 2008

Excuse me, sir.

But it seems that you've forgotten your pants. I mean, I can't imagine you intended to work out in that Flashdance sweatshirt and ... Sweet buttery Christ, is that a red, white and blue Speedo?

Look buddy, I know we were all feeling totally patriotic last night after doing out civic duty. But that is no reason for wearing a Speedo to the gym and not swimming in it. That is horribly, horribly inappropriate gym attire. You trump the unitards, the guys in jeans and the woman wearing clogs. I hope to fucking Christ they hosed that place down with bleach last night after everyone went home.

And you, Trader Joe's cashier, I know we bonded over our shared Irish heritage last time you rang me up -- your lovely tattoo and my necklace -- but after last night I kinda think you're a bit of a douche.

It's nice to be chatted up while you're scanning and bagging my groceries. And even offering me workout advice is not totally out of bounds. But trying to impress upon me just how salient your advice was by dropping the "I played DI sports," nugget was too much. But you didn't stop there, did you? You had to say DI A sports. No AA for you, huh? Honey, I've been to college and I've had plenty of contact with D1 athletes. I am not impressed.

7 comments:

Emily said...

Oh God, all I can picture is that SNL sketch where Will Ferrell wears a stars and stripes banana hammock to an office.

scargosun said...

You had quite and evening. Looks like that D1 sports in college did the TJ's cashier a world of good.

Jess said...

I know, right? It was a damn whirlind of a night. I should have asked what sport he played, because I certainly couldn't figure it out by looking at him.

And I'm just glad I only saw the guy's star-spangled ass peeking out from under his sweatshirt. If I'd seen the front, I almost assuredly would have had to go home early, after utilizing the eye was station in the studio.

Ezekiel Barzillai Smythe said...

Hahaha... what's up with these guys? The Trader Joe's near my house is full of stoned emo guys with hair in their eyes, and they can't articulate a come on if they tried. So getting my alcohol there is a generally convo-free experience. Except then I have to pass by the insane violinist outside the door.

Jess said...

I wish I knew why I always have weird conversations with the guys at TJ's. And I never know quite what to think of them. Are you flirting with me or are you an asshole? I CAN'T TELL.

Though, there are no insane violinists at my TJ's. That makes me a little sad.

Jen said...

Reading the first part of your post reminds me of the you tube of Steve Guttenberg running sans pants. Google it if you haven't seen it, it's freakin' hilarious.

Jess said...

I don't think I want to a pantsless Steve Guttenberg.