Wisconsin toilet-paper researchers develop 3-ply tissue they tout as 'ultra-soft'
I swear, I thought for a second this was from The Onion. But no. The link to this story was on the Strib's front page this afternoon.
First, I'm kind of annoyed the AP writer had to say, "Yes, there is such a thing as a toilet-paper researcher." Do you really need to take such a patronizing tone? Your attempt at being clever has failed, anonymous AP reporter. Of course there are toilet paper researchers. OMG! Companies do research and product development! Who would ever have possibly guessed that? Ass. Look, as someone who was trained as a journalist, I realize you write to a low common denominator. But come on.
However there is something even more disturbing in this story than having my intelligence insulted. It is this:
The company touts the toilet tissue as "ultra-soft" and says it plans to market the product to women 45 and older who view their bathroom as a "sanctuary for quality time."
Sweet buttery Christ. Am I someday going to view pooping as quality time? Don't get me wrong, a good poop can feel very satisfying. I mean, it's not as good as a peegasm or anything. But to go so far as to consider time spent in the loo as quality time? If this is what I have to look forward to when I'm older, please kill me now. Or when I get to the point where I view my bathroom as a sanctuary, at the very least.
Also, I don't really see how an extra ply is going to make the toilet paper "ultra soft." Another layer would make it stronger, sure. But adding another ply to rough, crappy toilet paper will do nothing to make it softer. It'll just be thicker rough, crappy toilet paper. Is this like Coors Light claiming their beer is so awesome because it tastes cold? You can't taste cold, morons. Sure, it's better to drink it cold because then you can't taste how much it sucks. But cold is not a flavor.