16 September 2008

Is this what I have to look forward to?

Newsflash!

Wisconsin toilet-paper researchers develop 3-ply tissue they tout as 'ultra-soft'

I swear, I thought for a second this was from The Onion. But no. The link to this story was on the Strib's front page this afternoon.

First, I'm kind of annoyed the AP writer had to say, "Yes, there is such a thing as a toilet-paper researcher." Do you really need to take such a patronizing tone? Your attempt at being clever has failed, anonymous AP reporter. Of course there are toilet paper researchers. OMG! Companies do research and product development! Who would ever have possibly guessed that? Ass. Look, as someone who was trained as a journalist, I realize you write to a low common denominator. But come on.

However there is something even more disturbing in this story than having my intelligence insulted. It is this:

The company touts the toilet tissue as "ultra-soft" and says it plans to market the product to women 45 and older who view their bathroom as a "sanctuary for quality time."

Sweet buttery Christ. Am I someday going to view pooping as quality time? Don't get me wrong, a good poop can feel very satisfying. I mean, it's not as good as a peegasm or anything. But to go so far as to consider time spent in the loo as quality time? If this is what I have to look forward to when I'm older, please kill me now. Or when I get to the point where I view my bathroom as a sanctuary, at the very least.

Also, I don't really see how an extra ply is going to make the toilet paper "ultra soft." Another layer would make it stronger, sure. But adding another ply to rough, crappy toilet paper will do nothing to make it softer. It'll just be thicker rough, crappy toilet paper. Is this like Coors Light claiming their beer is so awesome because it tastes cold? You can't taste cold, morons. Sure, it's better to drink it cold because then you can't taste how much it sucks. But cold is not a flavor.

10 comments:

Muffy Willowbrook said...

That extra "ply" in the toilet paper is only gonna clog up the toilets and flood shiz all over their floor. Then what kind of sanctuary will it be?

Nonetheless, do advertisers really think I'd buy their, ahem, shit?

Jess said...

Maybe they'll market it as some sort of reflecting pool for the sanctuary. Just kindly disregard the sewage debris, if you would.

Jen said...

I could really use this in preparation for my colonoscopy on Friday. Ha.

Jess said...

Oh noes! I wish you luck. Ah, the fun medical procedures we get to experience in the upcoming years. I can't wait!

Speaking of medical procedure, I suppose I'm due for another mammogram next month. Wheeeeee!

Christine said...

Holy crap!!! I can't breathe!! This post is so funny!

My grandma had a pink bathroom with a vanity and a big mirror, a pink tub, dual pink sinks, and huge pink powder puffs that I used to play with as a child. I could see that bathroom as a sanctuary but otherwise? I think not.

JP said...

I'm sorry but my ass can't tell the difference... ok maybe it can just a little.

Little Ms Blogger said...

OMG.. I turn 43 next week and if you telling me that this is all the fun I'm going to have in 2 years, I'm going to need the 3 ply tp to wipe the tears from my eyes.

Okay, who is the genius that was in charge of that marketing campaign?????

Jess said...

I just saw a commercial for it. There's a money-back guarantee if you're not delighted!

The woman in the ad was most certainly not older than 45. She was wearing a ridiculously fluffy white robe, standing in what I imagine would be a modern version of Christine's grandma's bathroom, except not as awesome. There was a fucking chaise lounge in there.

While the woman in the voice-over went on about plushness or something, the actress slipped her feet into furry thong sandals and picked up a Q-tip that was about 20 times the size of a normal Q-tip.

LAME.

Jen said...

I'm only 38 but my mom had pre-cancerous colon polyps so they want me to be checked early. I'd rather have a mammogram.

Jess said...

Ah, family history: the reason I had a mammogram at the ripe old age of 33.

Colonoscopy: DO NOT WANT. I'll be thinking about you tomorrow!