27 August 2008

Why couldn't I have stayed in bed today?

The first drops of rain around 6:00 this morning woke me up. When the thunder and lightning started, I wanted nothing more than to just lay there and listen.

But no. I had to get up and come to work. And of course, things haven't gotten any better. I took on a project that is turning out to be hateful and difficult and I'm not getting any fucking help I need from one of the "experts" or the "library." I only volunteered to do the work because I didn't have a damn thing to do the rest of this week. Of course, an hour later, I could have had plenty of less hateful things to do that would have kept me busy through the end of the week. Why didn't I wait?

As better as things have been, especially as it relates to work, things still aren't right with me. While I hate my job today, the last couple of weeks I've really turned to hating myself. The training I went through totally annihilated my self-confidence and self-esteem. I generally have some issues with insecurity in ... well, in my life. But they're all sky-high now and the work-related confidence and self-esteem erosion didn't take long to seep into my outside-work life as well.

I believe I've recently mentioned that I feel bad about working for a corporation. My mini-enviro kick has been my penance for no longer doing work that benefits people's lives, not company coffers. When my family was in town this weekend the subject of my new job came up. A lot. I tried to keep things as superficial as possible, but I was not always successful.

One particular conversation with one of my aunts, my sister and a cousin surrounded around the fact that I don't at all like the fact that I'm no longer working in the public or nonprofit sector. When I said that "No, I really do feel bad about what I'm doing," my sister rolled her eyes (sometimes I really want to slap the shit out of her) and my aunt said, "I had no idea you were that passionate about it."

Really? I mean, yeah, I decided to go to grad school and get my master's in nonprofit management because it really is a glamours, highly-paid sector of the economy, but I'm not about the money.

Meanwhile, it seems like everyone around me is bettering themselves in some fashion while I sit here working in a job I hate, getting paid the same amount I've been making for the last several years, being broke because of my stupid car and just generally sucking at life.

My sister is applying for a job that could double her salary. The World's Worst Wing Woman is in her second year of law school and was offered a fancy-pants summer gig at a huge firm next summer. Sweetness got a new and improved job. KayGee got her job kicked up a notch. The Future Mrs. Dirk got a promotion and a big, fat raise and is suddenly a major social butterfly. My brother is running the Twin Cities marathon.

Even The Boy I Currently Like, who has been pretty set in his ways/comfortable with his life as it has been/resistant to change, is looking for a new, "respectable" apartment and is *gasp* talking about quitting smoking. It's getting easier to make plans with him. And yesterday, instead of just canceling on me because he had the opportunity to look at a few apartments all in one shot, asked if we could reschedule and if rescheduling wasn't possible for me, was willing to work the apartment viewings into his work day so he could still come over. This may not seem like a big deal to most people, but well, it is.

With all that going on, I feel like I'm in a rut. Except I'm not, exactly. I've had a rather tumultuous year on the employment (and unemployment) front. I still haven't been here for three months. Jesus. Why can't I just be okay with settling into my job and my schedule and my life the way it will be for the near future?

I need a day off. Or a drink. Or yoga. Or all three! At least I can get two of the three knocked out tonight and the third is coming up on the horizon. I'm so spending all weekend on my deck with a fucking drink in my hand.


scargosun said...

Been there. Done that. You have to stop thinking about your job as your life. I took the job I have now b/c I thought I had not other options. Then I realized that when I left the office, I could do whatever I wanted. You can dislike your job and still like your life. You need to try to seperate the two a bit.

Jess said...

The stupidest thing about all of this is that I decided long ago that my job wouldn't be my life.

I'm doing better. Finally got to meet my boss today and we talked a bit about the training and he said something close to exactly what I've been saying -- even if you are very successful in your training (which I apparently was), it's hard to really feel that way because it's so fucking grueling.

So ... yay?

Anonymous said...

I so understand where you are coming from about "working for a corporation". I did for - well, ever - and I hated myself every day for it. I tried to tell myself that I was doing some good, since I tried to focus on educating my clients instead of selling them shit they didn't need, but at the end of the day, it just wasn't ok. (Of course, when I moved to the NP sector, it was for Big Jebus, and that didn't really work out either. Must.find.calling.)

And, many, many drinks are in your immediate future. :)

Anonymous said...

I think you're doing great! You will figure it all out, I know you will!

Just wanted to throw that in.

Jess said...

Thanks, ladies. I have to find my calling, too, Di. Too bad drinking isn't a job. Some days I feel like I'm close to figuring it all out, but other days I don't think it'll ever happen.

Oh well, there are fun activities on the horizon for me and wine and cupcakes waiting for me at the end of the day. That should get me through the next ... probably more hours here than I want to be around.

Christine -- you know, it doesn't sound patronizing or condescending at all when it comes from you. I wish you were my boss.

Muffy Willowbrook said...

Wine & Cupcakes are a good pick me up.

Although, I'm sorry to hear you needed to be "picked up" at all. I really hate that this job isn't the best for you. I had such higher hopes for it!

Shiz - sorry.

Jess said...

Thanks, Muffy. I think it was more just one bad day. Yesterday wasn't super-great or anything, but it was better.

And today, despite the weak office coffee, the loud office douchebag yammering about how Obama's speech last night was "historic -- even if we don't realize it" (everyone knows it's historic, you fucking moron), and being so very tired because my phone rang at 2:30 this morning (guess I am going to have to have that chat with Booty Call Matt), it's going to be a good day.

'Cause I'm leaving at 1:00.