20 August 2008

Dear Back Neighbor,

So, I heard the shower turn on in your bathroom this morning, followed really closely by some interesting noises. Sure, we've all gotten it on in the shower before, but you usually build up to moans like that. Maybe you guys started before you got in the shower? Maybe he's ridiculously sensitive in the morning? I don't know.

I must admit I was not-so-secretly delighted to think that maybe I wasn't that neighbor anymore. Or at least, I wasn't the only that neighbor in the building. You know, if you've never heard your neighbors having sex, you're most likely the neighbor everyone hears? Yeah, I never hear my neighbors.

Did I just hear footsteps? So, you and your boyfriend aren't in the shower together? Sure, we've all gotten it on with ourselves in the shower, but are you really going to be that loud when your girlfriend is in the same apartment? If I can hear you through the wall, I'm sure she can hear you, what with being in the same apartment and possibly in the next room. That's kind of rude. Unless you're into that kind of thing, I guess.

Uh oh. Wait. I'm rummaging through my eye shadow box, trying to decide what to wear today (Honesty and Dark Edge, same as every fucking weekday ... why do I even bother?), and from this angle -- facing the wall our bathrooms share -- I get a much different perspective on the sound.

Your boyfriend is blowing his nose. Or farting, I suppose. But I'm pretty sure he's blowing his nose. Seriously, with my back to the wall, it sounds like moaning. I heard him sneeze several times and blow his nose again, and facing the mirror? Still sounds like porn-style moaning.

I apologize for the confusion. And I'm sorry that you weren't having as much fun as I thought you were having. Oh, and sorry for being that neighbor.

Yours in Christ,
Jess

12 comments:

Muffy Willowbrook said...

I once thought my upstairs neighbor was doing aerobics at 10:30 every night.

"Um...Muffy? No." My friends had said. I was pretty naive in my early 20's.

scargosun said...

I heard my roommate and his girlfriend one night. We lived in a house and I was a floor away. She was drunk ;)

Jess said...

Oh Muffy. That's priceless. The regularly scheduled time thing always makes me a little sad, though. It seems so rote and perfunctory.

I am pretty sure I only overheard The Cheating Asshole Ex-Boyfriend's roommate a handful of times. This just seems weird to me, having lived in dorms and apartments for the last 15 or so years.

Emily said...

I not only used to hear a former roommate, but then afterward . . . every SINGLE time . . . his girlfriend who say she loved him and my roommate wouldn't say anything back.

I think that was more awkward that hearing the sex.

Jess said...

It's wrong to find that hilarious, right?

Diana said...

There is no letter where the closure of "Yours In Christ" does not fit. Thank you for again pointing that out.

Jess said...

Oh, it's my pleasure.

I heart blasphemy!

Emily said...

I think it's totally right to find that hilarious. Besides, why didn't this girl, after she she loved him the first time with no response, continue to say it? I'm pretty sure the ball was in his court.

Jess said...

You have to wonder, right? Man, if I said it once and got no response, you'd better believe I wouldn't be saying it again until he said it to me.

Then again, I would probably never say it first. I am terrified of those three words.

JP said...

gross!

Alaina said...

Wow. I can't stop giggling.

There's a guy at work who sounds like he's moaning when he coughs. Now all I'm going to think about is this story.

And he's got a cold.

Thanks.

Jess said...

So, you have a good idea what he sounds like in the throes of passion?

Sorry.