05 June 2008

The best $54 I think I've ever spent.

You may remember that last week I was bitching about how much my boobs hurt and how shitty a job my Multi-Bra Boob Control System was doing for me at the gym. I followed through on my statement about buying a good (read: expensive) sport bra.

It arrived today and I got to test it out at the gym tonight. I got an Enell Sports Bra. Honestly, since it was Oprah endorsed, I hesitated. I hate Oprah and I really, really do not want to be one of her sheep. But, I'd heard about Enell through various other channels before I had any idea Oprah was prattling on about them.

This is the first bra I've ever had, to my knowledge, that had instructions on how to put it on:

Putting the ENELL on: Put your ENELL on like a vest. Then start to "hook up" your ENELL from the BOTTOM and go up! "Tuck and hook" until you get to the top. Once you get your ENELL fastened, reach in and adjust your breasts in the bra by pulling them up and out toward the underarm so the bra lays flat under your breasts. The breasts should then be held firmly in the upper/fuller portion of the bra. Your nipples should rest just below the arch seam. Your ENELL should be snug but comfortable, you can feel the support.

Y'all, it took me probably five full minutes to get that fucker on. Those first couple of hooks (out of 11!) are nearly impossible. You can't "tuck" at that point and I couldn't even see the hooks. Jesus.

But I did finally manage to get it on and I could even breathe! Hot damn. We are in business. I jumped up and down a few times and The Girls didn't seem to move too much. So, I finished getting dressed and it was off to the gym.

Before I even got out of the locker room, I noticed a couple of things. Well, I guess they kind of go together. Whatever. Anyway, I now have a fairly good idea of what I would look like after a breast reduction. Well, if that breast reduction smushed my tits out and up to cover most of my chest. Still. And I can see how much thinner I'd look without such giant hooters. That was a bit of a depressing realization.

To the treadmill! Holy shit. I felt like a different person. I felt like I could run. RUN! That boggles my motherfucking mind. There was some movement, but it was more of a jiggle as opposed to a bounce. Where has this bra been all my life?

I can't recommend this bra enough to my big-tittied, active sisters. It honestly seems like it will be worth every penny. For what it is worth, I ordered mine from The Lingerie Store. It was $6 cheaper and shipping was free.


Jen said...

Wow that's awesome, Jess! I can't relate since I don't have big hooters but I am very happy for you! Also, I am assuming this isn't a bra you want to be wearing if you're looking to hook up (no pun intended)?

Sarah said...

brilliant! And inadvertently timely. I'm heading back to the gym tonight for the first time in a good 9ish months, and big hooters + breastfeeding = wondering how the hell I was going to actually work out without getting black eyes from the ladies. Now I know... woot! I'm totally ordering one for myself.

Jess said...

No Jen, this bra is a hideous monstrosity that no one should have to see. Besides, plenty of guys have trouble with three hooks. I'd like to see someone tackle 11, even if they are in the front.

Sarah! You had the baby! Congrats! Seriously, I almost feel like this bra will change my life. Maybe I'm overreacting (maybe?), but it's pretty freakin' awesome.

Sarah said...

hooray for non-pregnant-ness! Many advantages including but not limited to being able to get to the gym and the ability to drink when the situation warrants.

Also: this bra made me feel like I could put on running shoes and jog in the neighborhood without reservation. Hurray!