07 May 2008


Is it true? Am I really coming out of my funk, as JP said in a comment a couple of days ago? Maybe my personal funk started dissipating when the funk from the rotting mouse in my computer went away.

Something must be changing, though. If that wasn't the case, I would have been all dejected and shit yesterday when The Boy I Currently Like had to cancel on me because he was having a long day at work. A couple of weeks ago, it would have felt like the end of the world. Melodramatic much? But it would have just felt like shit piled upon shit and I would have been supremely upset.

Yesterday, though, it wasn't a big deal at all. I don’t know if I can pinpoint the change exactly; it's probably a number of things. Even though I dislike my job and feel like my talents are being squandered, I'm settling in here. I'm starting to have money so I can go out and do things, which is really excellent now that the weather is slowly improving.

Also, I'm feeling pretty okay about where I stand with The Boy – so much so that I actually told him. And it wasn't even a big deal. That it wasn't really anything for me to casually mention I feel okay about where I stand with him is actually a big deal to me. I was going to say that in the past it was something I'd have agonized over. However, if you have to mull over whether to tell someone you think you’re cool with each other, um, you’re not there yet.

I've tried to be pretty careful with what I've said about The Boy here, since I know very well he could read it. You wouldn't think it would be a big deal if I’m not saying anything bad about him, but I still try to be careful all the same. When we first started talking, he said my confessional style of writing was a bit much for him sometimes. That's been in the back of my mind since he said it. At the same time, however, he knew what he was getting into. I mean, I'm not going to be all lame and gushy. That is so not my style. But you know what? I like him. So there.

It isn't just all about him, though. When I started this blog, no one was reading. It was totally easy to say whatever cringe-worthy thing I wanted because I knew no one was going to read it. At some point, people started reading (I've said it a million times, but I'm still continuously amazed people give two shits about what I have to say). However, they were strangers, so I could still say whatever the hell I felt. They didn't know me. But now there are lots of people reading, and some of them are people I know. Or they are people I could be meeting in the future. Is it weird for someone I might meet at a MNspeak Happy Hour to know all kinds of soul-baring things about me? Are we going to talk about this shit on the May Flowers pub crawl (post coming soon on this, I swear)? What about the people I don't want to know? Do I want them knowing all of this crap about me?

I suppose it all goes back to writing for your audience. When I had no audience, I was really writing for myself. And although this is my blog where I write about my stupid life, I have an audience now. With that audience comes at least some sort of obligation to write things they would want to read in a way they want to read it. Maybe one of these days, I will get the balance figured out.


Anonymous said...

Yeah it is a lot hard to write stuff when you know more and more of the people reading it...

Jess said...

I was wondering if maybe it was just my own neurosis, but I'm glad to hear you feel the same, sister.

Muffy Willowbrook said...

I agree. It certainly has censored me a little knowing that my friends and family read it. (What's going on with me personally - like my mom stuff)

I wasn't aware of how anonymity had it's upside.

But now what, ya know?

Congrats on telling The Boy. :-)

Jess said...

I'm fairly certain no one in my family reads this. And I really don't want them to. I've flat-out told my sister I don't want her reading it.

There are just some things you have to keep to yourself, I guess. I suppose it's like telling some things to one group of friends you'd probably never divulge to another.

Jidai said...

Censoring yourself is hard. I make sure none of my friends and especially my exes know of my lil blog. My fiance only reads it occasionally, but doesn't enjoy it too much for various reasons.

Once people started to actually read my blog, I had to go back and delete some posts that contained too much info about myself. Like an actual existing picture of myself, probably the only one on the internet. I stray off-topic though my point is anonymity is good, just how much is up to you..

Jess said...

I've considered deleting old stuff if/when certain people read my blog. Or I toyed with the idea when people at all started reading. But I just can't do it. I hate the idea of censoring myself.

Hey -- if you can't make an ass out of yourself and alienate people on The Internet, where the hell can you do it?