04 April 2008

Talking myself down from the ledge.

On Wednesday, I thought my new job might bore me in fairly short order. Today I started thinking that it might make me absolutely miserable. I've managed to calm down a bit after a couple of glasses of wine, but there was more than one point today where I was nearly in tears.

I'm probably overreacting like a motherfucker. I mean, I didn't work for two months. And the previous three plus years? I didn't work much then, either. Honestly, I really can't remember the last job I had where they really gave a shit what I did as long as I got my work done. It's been 10 years since I worked a real corporate job. Yes, I'm in the corporate sector. I hate myself enough, so you needn't hate me more.

So where was I? Oh, the two-month "vacation" which came after a few years of not having much to do at work and where no one seemed to care one way or another what I was doing. I'm also sick and even when starting a new job is a relief because, hey, you're working! It's still stressful. Oh, and the hormones are probably still in play because my boobies hurt so bad I skipped the gym tonight so as to avoid any unnecessary jostling. I'm trying to remind myself of all of these things and talk myself down after today.

What has me so freaked out? Absolutely stupid shit. My supervisor is apparently very particular about office etiquette. Oh my God. I was eating oatmeal at my desk this morning when I got in. Look, I can't get up early enough to eat at home. I have to take my thyroid meds on an empty stomach and that means waiting an hour to eat after I take them. Well, it's time for me to leave for work by the time an hour has passed. I'm sorry. Yes, I'm aware the break room is being created and when it's done, I will totally eat there. I've been living on unemployment for two months and you're not paying me all that much, so I'm not going to go out for lunch every day. Also? I'm trying to not eat shitty take out food. Where do you suggest I eat my lunch or breakfast that I brought with me? My car? I mean, I guess I can. So you're not a lunch person. I'm not you. I need to eat. I'm terribly, terribly sorry.

You don't like iPods, either? Oh great. I mean, you even admit that it is a generational thing. So, you need absolute quiet to read. I don't. I can't concentrate without background noise. I never have been able to do that. I studied in the hall of my dorm. I avoided the library like the plague. If it's too quiet, I look up or get distracted by every single noise. And that's how quiet it is in this office. But I should be eavesdropping on the people around me? I suppose that's a good reason not to be listening to music so quiet you can still hear everything going on around you?

And the HR rep was apparently mistaken when she said it was okay to wear jeans on Friday. We're back to the unemployment and not paying me thing again. I'm working on creating the wardrobe. I can live with that, I guess. I can probably live with everything. It's just an adjustment. But God, I just had this horrible feeling of foreshadowing today. The work she wants me start doing on Monday? Tedious. Mind-numbing. Most places I interviewed asked if I might get bored doing work with data or whatever. Yeah, I might have, but it wouldn't have been nearly the kind of boring that seems to be on the horizon for me at this place. Why on earth did they want me?

But hey -- I have a job. I mean, fucking Paul Douglas got canned. I should be glad I'm working. I should be glad I'm working. I should be glad I'm working. (If I say it enough, it'll be true, right?) Maybe the ridiculousness of corporate America will be good blog fodder. Or my impending alcoholism will be good blog fodder. Whatever.


Muffy Willowbrook said...

oh boy....looks like a few things to get adjusted to, huh? Don't worry too much about it just yet. Give it time, and like you said - you're working. Some of the things I "put up" with at my job are a little moronic, but it's really not all that bad. I can't quite get the iPod hating though - mostly whatever makes you more productive, right?

Keep it up, babe.

Jess said...

Yeah, you'd think that they'd be okay as long as I was productive. But maybe she has to adjust, too. I'm not even going to get into the shit I heard about the owner of the company. Jesus fucking Christ.

I just have to adjust to it. It'll all work out in the end.

Thanks, Muffy.