16 April 2008

Hootertown, USA.

Saturday night was my first night out on the town in ages. I was so stoked to be going to not one, but TWO parties. And one was at a bar! So, when I was out shopping for new work clothes, I came across a couple of not-exactly-work-appropriate shirts that were totally appropriate for going out.

Or so I thought.

The shirt is hard to describe. It's this Calvin Klein number (originally $69, I paid like, $11 and change. This is why I bought one in purple and one in black), with ruching on the sides and this drapey neckline. There are pictures, but I'm not posting them here. Anyway, I quite liked the shirts and wore the purple one Saturday night. I was actually concerned that it was a bit tight when I left the house.

Oh, did that change drastically over the course of the night. It wasn't too bad when I got to the engagement party, but I was feeling a bit too booby for the occasion. But I got a few compliments on the shirt and I tried to not be too concerned.

Fast forward to the World's Worst Wing Woman's birthday party at The Independent and Lord almighty, I was having problems. That shirt had stretched out so much my bra straps were hanging out and the neckline was always dipping dangerously close to where my bra started. It probably passed there a couple of times. It was so bad that I had to put Mrs. Dirk on Boob Patrol. I got a ton of compliments on the shirt there, too, but I also kept apologizing for the vast amount of cannage I'd unleashed on the group. It's one thing if you go out intending to be hooterific, but I didn't think the shirt was that bad when I bought it or when I put it on initially.

I might even have a new nickname after all this. Macho Man was calling me "Twin Cannon," or "TC" for short. Awesome.

But I can fix this problem in the future, especially now that I'm working and have some money. I'm heading over to Brides of France tomorrow on the way to the gym to pick up some Hollywood Fashion Tape, or as I've been calling it for a few years, Boob Tape.

Do y'all know about this? It is a fucking miracle product, created by a couple of ladies from Minneapolis. My aunt introduced me to it a few years ago when I was using a tiny safety pin to cover up some of my cleavage in a wrap dress I was wearing to my cousin's Confirmation. I didn't think it would be appropriate for me to have the fun bags hanging out at the Basilica. At the block party, maybe. But for Confirmation Mass? I didn't want to doom my cousin just because she chose her sponsor poorly. My aunt got a box for me at her salon and Sweet Baby Jebus, y'all, my life was changed. Yeah, you could just use double-sided cloth tape or whatever that shit is, but that stuff is unwieldy and so not convenient.

Not only have I used the Boob Tape to keep necklines from slipping too low, I've used it to keep bra straps under shirts very often. And it comes in quite handy when the hem falls out of one leg of your pants and you're too cheap/lazy/forgetful to take them somewhere to have them fixed. At some point, I realized I could use that stuff between buttons on button-down shirts. Button-down shirts are not Hootie McBoob's friend. There is ALWAYS a gap that shows everyone on one side of me what color bra I'm wearing that day. But with the boob tape, no gaps!

How I managed to run out and not buy any more for a while now is beyond me. I guess my wardrobe just hasn't needed it. But if I want to wear these new shirts, I'm going to need some. I'm going to need like four pieces every time I wear one of those shirts. But it'll be worth it. Oh, and Muffy, you might want to check out some of their other stuff for your turkey problem at the gym.


Jen said...

"Hooterific". I love this word.

Also, I need to pick up some of this here tape you are talking about. Not for my boobs cause lord knows I don't have any cleavage but I have a couple pairs of pants with the hem about to go out and haven't worn them because of that. Thanks for bewstowing your knowledge of such things upon us.

Muffy Willowbrook said...

REALLY?! I need to stop by Brides of France ASAP! I still haven't been able to swallow $60 for a padded sports bra, but I gotta believe there's a remedy out there that won't cost as much!

Thanks for the heads up, Jess!

Jess said...

I don't always hurt; this time I am here to help, ladies.

Seriously, Boob Tape rocks my world. I'm not sure if Brides of France will have all of their stuff in the store, Muffy, but it would make sense if they did.

Of course, I think the Boob Tape at BoF is the "wedding" tape, which means they can charge more for it, but it is still cheaper and faster than having it shipped to me. Unless I'm feeling lazy, of course.

Kaiser said...

Hootie McBoob gets me every time. Better than Chesty Larue and Busty St. Clair by far....

Jess said...


Busty Sinclair is the one that never registers in my memory. I flirted briefly with the idea of using Chesty LaRue, but it is just the tiniest bit too classy-sounding.

Muffy Willowbrook said...

I ALWAYS have said Chesty LaRue! I dig that name...

How do these Urban Legend names get passed around anyway?!

Jess said...

The Simpsons, of course.

I'm Frank said...

The worst is when old people do it. I had a teacher last term who must've been about 50 or so, and every time she bent down to look at her notes, the whole class got a good, long look at what big, 50 year-old boobies look like (i.e. not pleasant).

Jess said...

Hahahahahaha. Ew.

I totes forgot to stop and get my boob tape tonight. I'll have to do it on Saturday on the way home from yoga.