18 January 2008

Things lost.

I've mentioned the fact that I've been losing weight in posts here and there over the past few months. I can't be positive, because I'm not sure exactly where I was when I started (I can't even pinpoint when this all started because the changes have been pretty gradual), but I believe I'm in the neighborhood of 30 pounds lost. It'll probably be a few more once Aunt Flo leaves town and takes her five pounds of water weight with her. Fuck that bitch and her baggage.

Obviously, I notice it when I put something on and realize it's become so big there's no way I could wear it out in public. Other people have begun to notice, too. At Christmas I heard many comments from my relatives. At my mom's birthday party last weekend, I heard it even more. Including someone saying (I think it was one of my aunts, but I was really drunk and can't for the life of me be sure), "You're getting so tiny!" This is hilarious because a) I'm so not getting tiny and b) no matter how much weight I lose, there is no way I will ever be tiny. I'll always be tall and have big feet, broad shoulders and big boobs.

Most of the time, the changes have been gradual. I notice clothes are getting bigger; I catch a glimpse of my arm inadvertently flexing while I'm putting lotion on after a shower and notice more definition than I remember. And then I flex some more because I 'm a huge dork. There are things I can do in yoga that I couldn't do six months ago. I up the speed on the treadmill faster and go faster all the time. You know, that kind of stuff.

Some of the changes seem to be really sudden, though. I put on one of the tank tops I wear to yoga that has been nearly skin-tight the entire time I've owned it and one day it's all loose. How did that happen?

The worst sudden change, though? My ass seems to have shrunk considerably in the last week or so. Where does ass go to all of a sudden? And why? I do yoga. I lift weights. My ass should not be going anywhere. This is most unacceptable. I do not want my white girl ass back. The Cheating Asshole ex-boyfriend used to tease me about my flat, white girl ass. Somewhere along the line, my ass filled out because a guy I dated a year or two later often remarked on the junk I had in my trunk and was prone to punctuate these comments with a smack of said junk.

I thought maybe it was because the jeans I was wearing were too big. I tried the pair that was freshly washed and shrunk as much as possible in the dryer. That helped, but not as much as I'd hoped. Maybe I just need to finally suck it up and buy new jeans a size smaller. But I'm trying to hold off another month on that. My underwear seem to fit differently. The curve of my ass looks different in the sweatpants I sometimes wear around the house. My ass feels different in my jeans.

What is going on? I know my body is changing, but this was one change I didn't expect. I guess I'm going to have to start focusing on my glutes more when I'm lifting. There's a new squat machine at the gym. I'll see if I can't start using that. There's also the "Butt Blaster" machine, but honestly, I can't even look at that thing without giggling. I highly doubt I could use it effectively while I'm gasping for air because I'm trying not to melt into a puddle of laughter.

Besides, my tits aren't going anywhere. Why my ass? I'd willingly give up a little boob to keep some of the butt. I will compromise with you, Mother Nature. Let's just sit down and talk about this like rational adults.

24 comments:

abbersnail said...

Go ahead and buy new jeans. Even if you just get cheap ones, it will make you feel so much better! After I lost a bunch of weight, I felt like my body looked completely awkward. Then I got a few new clothing items, and suddenly it all made sense.

JP said...

I sure hope some of your dedication would rub off on me.. I need to lose about 10 pounds and just can't seem to... I guess that Pad Thai I had for lunch wont be helping me.

Jess said...

I just got my W-2 today, so I'm totally filing my taxes this weekend and when I get my Minnesota refund next week I can go shopping for new clothes. Hooray!

JP -- I heard that the boxing game for the Wii is a really good workout. And you can do it in your undies!

Jerious Norwood said...

As a master practitioner of the art of stereotype, I tend to think that your loss of 'booty' might actually turn out to be a financial boon. Its a well known fact (no citation needed for obviously reasons), that the more stifled, uptight and hence, wealthy a man is, the smaller the buttock that he seeks in a mate. Basically I mean that considering your fears of downsizing vis a vis for job, and anxiety concerning the security of your future, perhaps the your shrinking 'portfolio' might not be such a bad thing.

I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'

Jess said...

Ewwwwwww. DO NOT WANT, Jerious.

Also, remember, I may not work directly in the nonprofit sector at the moment, but I get paid like I do!

Jerious Norwood said...

As eloquent and descriptive as, "Ewwwwwww. DO NOT WANT, Jerious.", might be; you must remember that not all of us have advanced degrees from public universities.

So basically... huh?

Jess said...

Its a well known fact (no citation needed for obviously reasons), that the more stifled, uptight and hence, wealthy a man is, the smaller the buttock that he seeks in a mate.

Basically, I just don't want to think of the Big Boss Man that way. Gives me the heebie jeebies.

Jerious Norwood said...

Let's not give me too much credit for prescience. I was kind of just kidding and stuff.

Though I ain't sayin. I just ain't sayin'.

As far as I'm concerned you're beautiful just the way you are.

Jess said...

Oh, you're just saying that because I'm an enabling, promiscuous drunk.

Jerious Norwood said...

Not to mention the fact that you have a large bust...

Don't forget, if I have a defining characteristic, it must be lechery. I'd hate to be accused of misrepresenting myself.

Jess said...

I don't think there's any danger of that happening.

Jerious Norwood said...

That must explain the air of disquieting comfort that I have.

Jess said...

Yes, that must be it.

Jerious Norwood said...

That almost seems sarcastic.

Jess said...

Me, sarcastic? Never!

Oh, wait.

Jerious Norwood said...

Sometimes, that kind of sardonic wit hurts. I hope you're proud of yourself.

Jess said...

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't.

Still, I do feel terrible.

Jerious Norwood said...

It'd mean more if you didn't feel 'terrible' about most things, but hey its something. I guess I'll just cry myself to sleep thinking about what it would be like to have deep human connection.

Jess said...

I don't feel terrible about most things. But I totally felt terrible about my sarcastic words that may have caused you pain. I'm ever so sorry!

Don't cry yourself to sleep. You'll wake up with puffy eyes and a headache. So not fun.

Muffy's Bestie said...

Congrats on losing all that weight. That is so great. Keep it up (or down!!)

Jess said...

Why, thank you ever so kindly!

Jen said...

I'll give you some of my ass if i can have some of your boobs.

Big Blue Monkey said...

I go away for a week, and look what happens.

Jerious Norwood happens.

Jerious Norwood said...

You get tossed in the drunk tank again?