At work, though. Most certainly not at the disco.
Things have gone down recently. One of my coworkers, to be precise. We're also looking to downsize our space. It made sense before yesterday, but now with just two of us here full-time it makes even more sense.
When my now-former coworker popped in to give me the news yesterday, I flew into a panic. All of this has been in the back of my mind for a while. I've been meaning to start looking for a new gig for a while. But I just haven't had the proper motivation. I believe I have that now.
It's not that I fear my position is in immediate jeopardy. It seems as if anything would happen after we move into new digs, the whole place would go away and not one or the other of us who remains. If I go, there's no one to write proposals to bring in more money and, well, if money's a problem now ... We're also in the first year of two different three-year projects and I don't see the organization folding before those are done. Lord knows I could be wrong, though.
I just can't count on getting any notice if something is to happen, either. My coworker had zero warning yesterday. That's just how the Big Boss Man operates. So, I really don't feel like I can take any chances. Now, instead of trying to figure out how to use the three weeks of vacation I have to use before I lose them at the end of July, I'm going to hoard them. If I have any medical stuff I need to do, I'm going to try to cram it in before our insurance changes in March. I'd better make an appointment with the dentist, too.
The big problem with all of this is that I have zero idea what I want to be when I grow up. I haven't a clue what I want to do. And when I start looking for a job, I have this huge crisis of confidence -- I've always been something of a jack-of-all trades at most of my jobs, so I feel this leaves me unqualified for anything. I mean, what the fuck could I possibly do? Instead of thinking "Hey, I can do any of these different things, because I've had experience in doing those things at this job and that job. Okay, so it wasn't all I did, but I have a background in it." I think this: "I suck at life." This is also the first time I'm not even going to consider looking for jobs outside Minnesota. That feels a little weird.
One good thing came out of yesterday, though. While I was having my late-afternoon freak out, instead of thinking about how desperately I needed a drink, I was thinking about how badly I wanted to get to the gym for a workout. I believe that signifies I've hit some sort of life-change milestone. Granted, going to the gym means I can come home and get buzzed off a glass-and-a-half of wine and thus I kill two birds with one stone. But we can keep that part our little secret, yes?