15 January 2008

Panic!

At work, though. Most certainly not at the disco.

Things have gone down recently. One of my coworkers, to be precise. We're also looking to downsize our space. It made sense before yesterday, but now with just two of us here full-time it makes even more sense.

When my now-former coworker popped in to give me the news yesterday, I flew into a panic. All of this has been in the back of my mind for a while. I've been meaning to start looking for a new gig for a while. But I just haven't had the proper motivation. I believe I have that now.

It's not that I fear my position is in immediate jeopardy. It seems as if anything would happen after we move into new digs, the whole place would go away and not one or the other of us who remains. If I go, there's no one to write proposals to bring in more money and, well, if money's a problem now ... We're also in the first year of two different three-year projects and I don't see the organization folding before those are done. Lord knows I could be wrong, though.

I just can't count on getting any notice if something is to happen, either. My coworker had zero warning yesterday. That's just how the Big Boss Man operates. So, I really don't feel like I can take any chances. Now, instead of trying to figure out how to use the three weeks of vacation I have to use before I lose them at the end of July, I'm going to hoard them. If I have any medical stuff I need to do, I'm going to try to cram it in before our insurance changes in March. I'd better make an appointment with the dentist, too.

The big problem with all of this is that I have zero idea what I want to be when I grow up. I haven't a clue what I want to do. And when I start looking for a job, I have this huge crisis of confidence -- I've always been something of a jack-of-all trades at most of my jobs, so I feel this leaves me unqualified for anything. I mean, what the fuck could I possibly do? Instead of thinking "Hey, I can do any of these different things, because I've had experience in doing those things at this job and that job. Okay, so it wasn't all I did, but I have a background in it." I think this: "I suck at life." This is also the first time I'm not even going to consider looking for jobs outside Minnesota. That feels a little weird.

Bah.

One good thing came out of yesterday, though. While I was having my late-afternoon freak out, instead of thinking about how desperately I needed a drink, I was thinking about how badly I wanted to get to the gym for a workout. I believe that signifies I've hit some sort of life-change milestone. Granted, going to the gym means I can come home and get buzzed off a glass-and-a-half of wine and thus I kill two birds with one stone. But we can keep that part our little secret, yes?

13 comments:

Brian in Mpls said...

What if you started your own pub crawl business? If you need a backer let me know we could buy a bus or something..

I can relate to you though in the whole job thing it is just all iffy now..

Muffy Willowbrook said...

Jess - totally feel your pain right now. Stuck in the exact same situation. No idea what to do next. Hang in there.

Jess said...

Thanks, y'all. It's not like I've never been in this position before -- it's one of the pitfalls of working in the nonprofit sector or working closely with it.

It just sucks to have that feeling of uncertainty hanging over your head constantly.

JP said...

I was just at lunch talking about the same thing "what do I want to do when I grow up?". I proceeded to explain how my job no longer inspires me to want to work more or better. And that I never want to leave one company for another and do the exact same thing.. SO I am left wondering "what do I really want to do?"

Jess said...

That's the question I just can't answer myself. There are things I wouldn't mind doing or I could tolerate, but I have no idea what it is I really want to do.

If only I could get paid for drinking and being slutty.

Jerious Norwood said...

Now, now. Jess, just from reading your half-assed musings about the absurdities of life, I can tell that you're probably one of the last people that are going to get shit-canned. Hey, and with society going to hell and most people living on the edge of ruin, I'd figure people in the non-profit world will probably be able to find subsistence wages well into the future. It'll all work out to be marginally less horrible than you imagine. I promise.

Jess said...

*sniff* Oh, Jerious. You know just the right things to say to keep a girl from going over the edge. Thanks, dude.

Jerious Norwood said...

I'd like to think thats why no one's ever pressed charges.

Jess said...

Clearly, you have a gift and it should be nurtured.

Jerious Norwood said...

Oh, you! You're too much. You know exactly which enabling comment to make at just the appropriate time. Sigh.

Jess said...

Well, we all have our talents.

Jerious Norwood said...

A promiscuous, enabling drunkard? That is too good to be true. I wasn't born yesterday, you know.

Jess said...

It sounds kinda bad when you put it all together like that.