01 November 2007

A rose by any other name?

Fall must be the time to talk about vaginas. Then again, when isn't it the time to talk about your lady business? Late last week, Muffy Willowbrook wrote, asking about euphemisms for the vajayjay. Then yesterday, I stumbled across this on Jezebel. The comments are absolutely worth your time, in my humble opinion. Unless, of course, the idea of women talking about their bajingos makes you uncomfortable.

I was deeply saddened to see the powers that be at Jezebel left "cooter" off the poll. It's a travesty! Cooter is my absolute favorite vaginal euphemism. It's hilarious and it was also the name of a character on Dukes of Hazzard. Cooter is a two-for-one, at the very least.

But I can't just use a single euphemism. Hell no. What fun would that be? Would you use "boobies" as your single euphemism for breasts? Of course you wouldn't. You're going to mix it up -- The Girls, rack, hooters, knockers, melons, fun bags, dirty pillows, headlights and whatnot.

And so, I like a little variety when I'm talking about the Downtown district. I use "lady bits" fairly often, as well as it's cousin, "lady parts." I especially employ these two when I'm trying to be coy. There's really nothing coy about either of them, though. I'm not sure how often I actually use "vadge" either on paper or verbally, but it seems to pop up in my head fairly often. Just a quick search of my archives showed I used "happy place" recently. I think that was more because I didn't want any cooter-overload, having used it in the previous day's entry. For whatever reason, I use "my little girl" when I talk about piercings in the delicate flower-area.

Obviously, if I'm speaking to my doctor I am grown-up enough to use proper terms. But they're so ... proper and clinical. When I was in high school, we had some sort of advanced home ec class (it wasn't really home ec, but the home ec teacher taught the class) that had a section on families and relationships or something. I honestly can't remember most of the details. But part of the class consisted of our teacher randomly interjecting the words "penis" and "vagina" into whatever she was saying. She was apparently trying to desensitize us so that we wouldn't giggle when someone said them. Unfortunately, her plan backfired and resulted in us (I often have to suppress the urge to do it to this day), randomly shouting "penis!" or "vagina!" in the halls for months.

There are plenty of gross euphemisms, too. Those are usually the territory of men. I honestly can't think of a occasion where I've heard a woman actually refer to her front butt as pink taco, axe wound, gash, roast beef curtains or bearded clam. Those are neither hilarious nor cute. They're just gross. I wonder if the kind of guy who would regularly use those kinds of terms actually get to spend much time in the fun zone.

If you haven't already chimed in somewhere else (shit, even if you already have), what's your favorite term for the sausage wallet? I must say, Muffy's use of "Hot Pocket" had me in tears. I think I might steal it.


Muffy Willowbrook said...

OMG!! HA! Do you have any idea how hard it is to laugh quietly while sitting at your cube trying to not draw attention to yourself? I'm shaking silently with laughter!

I also call it my cookie or my punahni, when I'm trying to be Hawaiian. I have a friend who calls it her "joy-shoot".

This post is hilarious!

Jess said...

Oh, I know how hard it is. I was doing the same thing yesterday whilst reading Jezebel.

It's terribly interesting to see the wide variety of names women have for their lady biscuits.

For some reason it occurred to me last night that I should be calling her Lois. Now I just need names for The Girls.

Virginia Belle said...

this post is hilarious! and i love the tag you put on it -- apologies to my male readers. i need to use a similar tag!

i like "vadge" -- that might be my new favorite. fun zone is also funny. a lot of the time i just refer to "her" -- this is especially true in the bedroom, for some reason....i don't know why.

a friend's ex-boyfriend made up the term "schwaa" and i have to say, it has caught on in my group of friends. so that's what i usually say.

Anonymous said...

My favorite weird term, and sorry it isn't for The Lady Part, but the Secondary Sexual Organ, or as I like to to call them, "Naughty Puppies With Pink Noses."

God, I find that hilarious. And often, quite apt.

Jess said...

I'll see what I can do about working that one in next time.