My Dearest Science,
Jesus H. Christ. Would you just stop it with all the "drinking is so much worse for you as a woman" bullshit? One drink a day will increase my breast cancer risk. Oh, hoo-fucking-ray. And now? Now you're telling me that my bladder is going to fucking explode when I binge drink? Does water count in that, too? 'Cause I pee all goddamn day at work from drinking lots of water and tea.
Maybe the bladder thing won't affect me. I've got the Wee Irish Bladder and once I break the seal (which always happens entirely too early), I go about every 20 minutes until I've managed to drink enough to dehydrate myself.
So, let's see: my breast cancer risk is increased by drinking, as is my risk of an exploding bladder. I'm going to have heart problems because of my whore pills. Ooooh! I'm also at an increased risk of cervical cancer because of the whore pills. Oh, but the whore pills decrease the risk of ovarian and womb cancer, so they cancel each other out?
Also, Science, is it really called "womb cancer?" That doesn't sound right. I should think you'd have a more proper name, like maybe "uterine cancer?"
Are you conspiring with the Church to make all the fun activities bad for me? The cancer from the drinking or using of birth control so I can have dirty, consequence-free, premarital sex will kill me and send me to Hell for doing such filthy things? Man, you guys have such a fucking racket.
I've had enough of you for a while, Science. Something's going to kill me someday. Everything's bad for me. I might as well enjoy life while I can, right? You can just fuck the hell off for a while, okay? Don't call me, I'll call you and all that.