26 July 2007

When do I get paid back for all the presents I've given?

Why is it that I keep writing about wedding-related stuff after reading about it in Jezebel? Okay, well this would mark the second time I've done it. And Christ almighty, how could I not write horrible marriage proposal ideas?

It was this piece about there not being bridal showers in England that got me to thinking. This isn't some new thought I've had, or anything. It pops up every time I'm invited to a bridal or baby shower.

A few years ago, I was on my way to a baby or bridal shower with my mom and sister, bitching and complaining about it as I usually do. My mom insists that I go to these family showers. I can often find an excuse not to go, but sometimes I have to break down and do it. So, I asked her why I had to go. She said because when I get married and have kids they'll come to my showers and give me shit.

Oh, but there's the rub! Now, I've learned that saying "I'm never going to do X," is stupid because it will invariably come back to bite me in the ass. So, I'll say it this way: I am 99.9 percent certain that I don't want kids. And I just can't see myself getting married. So, where do I get my payback? Where do I get my reimbursement for all the showers, weddings, baptisms and bachelorette parties I've gone to and for which I've given gifts? Can I have a "pimp my kitchen" party? What about an "I need new shit for my bedroom" shower? (Please note: I would totally never do that.)

Let's not gloss over the fact that attending such a momentous event (or precursor to a momentous event) solely to make sure they do the same for you is pretty shitty reason to do it in the first place. "Yeah, I'm just here giving you these dish towels and kitchen utensils so you give me shit when it's my turn to get married."

What about the person doing the inviting? I've heard many times that you invite people to your wedding hoping to get gifts/cash from them that are the equivalent of the money you spent feeding them and getting them drunk at the reception. Seriously? Does that mean I can stop going to weddings and then I don't have to give a gift because, hey! Think of all that money you're saving by me not being there and eating overpriced, crapass food and drinking free, shitty keg beer. Let's call it a wash.

Besides, I hate weddings. Should the planets align, Hell freeze over, pigs fly and all that and I find someone who would put up with my shit who also does not make me more insane than I already am and we get hitched? I'm eloping.

Worse than weddings, though, is the sheer torture of wedding and baby showers. Dear God almighty, I would rather gnaw off a limb than go to one of those. "Ooooh, a Diaper Genie!" "Good Lord, why would anyone buy towels in that color? Oh, they were on your registry? That's the color of the bathroom in your new house? Well, I'm sure it looks much different on the walls." Unless there is booze. I can fake interest if there is booze. Sometimes I might even enjoy myself. But God help you if you ask me to play a stupid game. All the booze in the world can't save you then.


OC said...

I agree 100%!!! Baby showers, bridal showers... completely unbearable unless there is booze. And if they even start with the, "Let's see who has the strangest item in their purse..." or "Let's come up with the most original baby name beginning with S..." I'm out. I don't care anymore - I'm out. Because if, by some strange planetary alignment, I do end up getting married, I refuse to subject people to that. I've lived on my own for years now, I don't need another wafflemaker. I don't use the one I have thankyouverymuch.

Sarah said...

I swear to god.
any showers thrown for me will require copious alcohol (screw being 8 months pregnant) and hell of a lot of noisy rock and roll or I'm not showing up. Gifts are great, but not at the price of having someone wrap toilet paper around my bloated stomach or making me a bouquet out of bows from walmart. Gag.

blythe said...

have you seen the satc episode where carrie registers for manolo blahniks because she's marrying herself? i feel like that all the time. i want a kitchen aid mixer. i want reidel wine glasses. and i want a 10 piece set of all-clad pots and pans. i want real stuff! and i don't want to get married yet, but i do want a return on my gift investment to. blah.

Jess said...

This is why I love the interwebs -- I can find people who feel the same way I do.

Seriously though, I want a Kitchen-Aid mixer, too. One with flame decals like Alton Brown's.