09 July 2007

Like a moth to the flame.

Freaks on the interwebs are drawn to me. I do not understand it. I don't post on any super-bizarre fetish boards or hang out in weird sex chatrooms. I comment on blogs and post on a fantasy football board and a music board.

I have a basic profile that goes along with my Yahoo username. Keep in mind this is the same username I've had since I finished undergrad 11 years ago. I did update the profile probably in 2004 when I was involved in some Yahoo groups in the run up to the election. I think I added a link to my blog when I started that, but really that's it.

So, why do I have random weirdos IMing me out of the blue? Don't get me wrong, it's not that it happens constantly. It seems to go in bursts here and there. Maybe it has something to do with the phases of the moon. It just seems that it happens a little too often.

Take for example, Cast Fetish Guy. I arrived home from yoga and errands a couple of Saturdays ago and opened the computer to find a message from some dude saying "I think you'd make a great roller girl!" Apparently, this was in response to a comment I'd made on a post from Big Blue Monkey at I Dislike Your Favorite Team.

Um, okay. Thanks, dude. I didn't want to seem super rude and be all, "Who the fuck are you?" So, I chatted with the guy for a bit before I had to make banana bread or something. I can't remember. I had shit to do, anyway. He only seemed mildly creepy at that point. I failed to block him from my messenger, unfortunately. At some point later, it came out that he has some sort of cast fetish and wanted to put me in a cast and there was something about pantyhose and crutches or a wheelchair.

What the fuck? Why would anyone think I was into something like that? How do you get into something like that? Also, I totally told Big Blue Monkey about this. But you can't fault the lads at IDYFT for having some freaks among their readers. I mean, I not only read, but comment fairly frequently.

Apparently, it says something about me doing yoga in my Yahoo profile. I think it says it in my Blogger profile. That has apparently brought a couple of crazies out. Just this weekend, some alleged yoga instructor was trying to get me to do some stomach-expanding breathing thing. I played along for a while ("Oh, yeah, I'm totally doing it"), but Jesus H. Christ, like I'm going to sit here and gulp down air so my stomach expands to the size of a basketball. I really have better things to do with my Sunday.

Then there's the "How high can you kick?" guy. I think he's IMed me more than once. Why the fuck would I know how high I can kick? High enough to kick you in your stupid face? Is that an appropriate response?

What about the guy who was stuck in the airport during a storm this winter, but wanted to go back to his hotel and strip for me on his webcam? Hahahahahahahahaha. Are you fucking kidding me?

Oh! The dude in London who IMed me and said, "I stumbled upon your LiveJournal." Really? Because I'm not sure I could even find my LiveJournal anymore. I'm not sure anyone but a few friends ever had access to it, anyway. Oh, and I've not written in it in years. Oddly enough, in checking my SiteMeter stats at the same time, I found someone in London who'd done a blog search for the term "I have huge tits" which led him to my blog. Guess where that conversation went?

Why me? Is it just that I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time like when I answered the phone one Saturday in college when I was working at Bakers Shoes and had a conversation with the Burgeoning Tranny?

The Burgeoning Tranny had some questions about heels. You see, he was just starting to cross dress and was wondering if maybe he should work into a stiletto or just go for it. I told him that I could barely walk in stilettos, so maybe he'd want to start with a two- or three-inch pump. Burgeoning Tranny was terribly thankful for my help and then ...

Burgeoning Tranny: "You seem really open-minded. Do you think I could ask you a personal question?"
Me: *red lights flashing* *sirens* "Um, I guess."
BT: "Would you be offended if you saw a cross dresser at a bar?"
Me: "Of course not."
BT: "Okay, would you be offended if you were at a bar and a man in drag sat next to you?"
Me: "Not at all."
BT: "What if he talked to you; would that offend you?"
Me: "Nope."
BT: "What if your boyfriend liked to cross dress? Would you be offended by that?"
Me: "Um, I really don't know. Probably not? I'm really sorry, but we only have one line here and we have a credit card sale, so I really have to get off the phone. Have a good day!"

I told my coworkers that if anyone came in looking for Jessica, she went home and I was now to be called Nikki. Thank God we didn't have name tags. I had another telephone with a beginning cross dresser when I worked at Dayton's a few years later, but I was such an old pro at it by that time that I can't really remember that conversation.

Maybe freaks are just drawn to me in general. Oh well.


Lucy Rhode said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jess said...

I'm publishing this, unless of course you want me to go back and delete it. Then I totally will.

I'm not saying BBM is deviant, but at the very least, something in his writing must appeal to the deviant. Then again, the dude IMed me, so something in my writing must really appeal to the deviant.

*sigh* Maybe we're all just a bunch of freaks.

Lucy Rhode said...



Anonymous said...

I attract strange folk in real life! If that makes you feel better... :)

Wayne said...

I am strange folk.

Jen C said...

"Why the fuck would I know how high I can kick? High enough to kick you in your stupid face? Is that an appropriate response?"

I love you.

Honey Bunny said...

when i worked here i had cross dressers calling all the time asking me to describe the dresses and shoes. i'm all for each person's kink, but to call an old lady clothing company to get off is a bit too creeptacular for me.

Jess said...

You know, honeybunny, the call I got at Dayton's was from a guy looking for grandma-y clothes. I guess that just because they've hung up the cocktail dresses doesn't mean they no longer want to dress as lady.

And I generally like strange folk. But you know, within reason.

Anonymous said...

Wait, am I the BBM in question? Am I the deviant, or am I the person who writes stuff that appeal to deviants?

All ya'll are just jealous.

Of what, I couldn't possibly guess.

Oh, and all the whole how high can I kick thing--could it be that said weirdo was at least trying to reference the infamous Crispin Glover on David Letterman?

That's always the first thing I think of when someone uses "high" and "kick" in the same sentence.

And for the record, I'm not very deviant; rather I'm just the right amount. [winking knowingly]