12 July 2007

Is it sabotage?

I have this friend. She shall remain nameless for the purposes of this entry. We've been friends for several years; probably around seven or so. I've said a million times to many people that she is the worst wing woman ever. EVER.

Sunday night, I was talking to a friend who happened to be out the night of my second "date" with Detlef. He met Detlef and the World's Worst Wing Woman. It wasn't necessarily anything specific he said that made the light bulb go off in my head, I guess. But for whatever reason, that conversation really made me think.

I know that I told someone after that night the World's Worst Wing Woman had actually been pretty good. But why did I say that? Because she left us alone in The Clown Lounge so I could engage in a public make out session? Gee thanks. You know how I love public displays of affection. And it's even better when it's drunken making out.

What I conveniently forgot was how she kept feeding me drinks (that I inexplicably paid for) after I said I couldn't get drunk because Detlef was coming. I also conveniently forgot her stomping off in a huff to the bus stop because she couldn't get a cab (she is insistent that she should be able to hail a cab in this city and therefore refuses to call for one) and wouldn't come to Detlef's place with us to call and wait for a cab. Yeah, it's better to wait for an hour alone at the bus stop on University than to drive back into Minneapolis and wait for a cab at someone's house. I also conveniently forgot that after we went back to get her, she insisted that Detlef drive us back to my house so she could get her car. Even though he didn't really want to drive all the way back to my house because he'd been drinking. She didn't really care.

So, really, she didn't do a good job being wing woman at all. Granted, it was ultimately my fault that I got kinda drunk. And there was nothing that could be done about Detlef's lackluster kissing and the disappointment I felt upon meeting Detlef Jr. for the first time. The whole thing was probably doomed anyway, but she really didn't help matters at all.

Now, I could have explained her behavior away by taking into consideration the great deal of stress under which she found herself. I'm not sure how that would explain her behavior in years previous, though.

She has literally dragged me away from a guys while I was talking to them. On more than one occasion. I remember one time, it was the night after Thanksgiving I think. We were at The Local, sitting at the bar and having some drinks. Some guy came up to talk to her. I participated in the conversation a bit at first and then fell back. During this time, a guy sat down next to me. We eventually struck up a conversation. In the meantime, the guy the World's Worst Wing Woman had be talking to had left. Now that he was gone and I was deep in conversation with someone else, she was ready to go. She announced that it was time to go and we had to go NOW. I barely had a chance to say goodbye to the guy. As we were getting on the bus to head back to her place, she asked "Did you get his number?" Yeah, because I totally had time to do that while you were pulling me toward the door. I hardly said goodbye.

She has pushed guys away from me on a dance floor. She is rude to people around us at concerts. She's been rude to guys who have talked to me or us when we're out. She's always ready to leave if I'm talking to someone and she's not getting all the attention. And when she's ready to you, brother, you'd better be ready to go as well.

Is it just part of her personality? Is she intentionally cock-blocking dudes who many want to talk to me? What's the female equivalent to cock-blocking? Is she cooter-blocking me? I don't know. I'm not sure I care.

The problem is that often I don't realize it's happening while she's doing it. The realization comes later. Or if I do realize it, I'm not going to be a bitch and make some scene because I'm not ready to leave and she is. "Sit her down and talk to her about it," you say. I could do that. Part of me thinks she'll say that I'm crazy and imagining things. The other part thinks she'll get all defensive and freak out. I'm a big fan of avoiding conflict. Thankfully, she's about to become very busy and very broke, so I doubt she'll be going out with me much. Problems sometimes resolve on their own. Still, though, she's not meeting the next guy I date until things are firmly cemented to withstand her shenanigans.


Abysmal Chick said...

I'm pretty sure a girl like that can never change. Get yourself a new wing woman and only go out with this girl when you're not interested in meeting anyone.

Abysmal Chick said...

I'm pretty sure a girl like that can never change. Get yourself a new wing woman and only go out with this girl when you're not interested in meeting anyone.

Abysmal Chick said...

OOPs...didn't realize there was an approval thing. sorry if I posted like, three times...duh!

Jess said...

Hahahahahaha. It only posted once. And I'm pretty sure you're right about her.

It's not like I usually go out looking to meet boys. I go out to be out with my friends. Sometimes you meet peoples, sometimes you don't. With her, it's mostly you don't.

Lucy Rhode said...

Your pal reminds me of my former wing woman. I loved her but grew tired of the sabotage. I disentangled myself from her about five years ago. We do exchange E-mail every few months. She has confessed that her behaviour was related to borderline personality disorder. Even though she is doing well, I don't make plans to go out.

tabitha said...

You say you go out to be with your friends, and yet this post is about how your friend "sabotaged" your prospects with this man. maybe you hurt her feelings because you were using her instead of being happy just to be with her. Besides, bars are pretty much the worst places to find suitable men. And its really passive aggressive to bitch about your friends on your blog. if you have a problem with her, pick up the phone and talk. or better, make a date with her to talk about these things in person at a place where the possibility that you might be picked up is not an option

Jess said...

Well, tabitha, I'm pretty sure I said that I don't think I can talk to her about it. I've tried to talk to her about other things in the past and it's just not happening. I've learned my lesson.

Part of the reason I blog is to get things out of my system. Once I write about it, it's gone and I'm not carrying it around with me any longer. Sometimes you just need to vent, you know? I've already had to break up with this friend once and I don't really want to do it again.

I wasn't using her to meet a guy. I'd met the guy and gone out with him once and I ran the whole thing past her before the fact to make sure it was okay. I wanted her to hang around instead of taking off and leaving us alone.

Sometimes when you go out with your friends, you meet other people. It's not like I do it intentionally. God forbid I return a smile or some small talk. Isn't that what people new to Minnesota bitch about all the time? How we're all so insular with our little groups of friends? I guess I should put on the blinders when I go out.

Yes, I realize I'm a terrible bitch and a horrible friend. Thanks for making sure that I admitted it.

tabitha said...

on the contrary. a good bitch, and a friend that has stuff to learn.

i stand by my statement that you should not expect your friends to be wing women. It's not a fair role to put them in.

and i'm sorry you don't think it will work out with your friend. on the other hand, maybe you could use this as an opportunity to try one more time to communicate with her. Maybe talking hasn't worked in the past, but why not give her the benefit of the doubt? and don't forget to listen. she might have something to say that you didn't know.

Jess said...

There's obviously some stuff I just can't adequately explain here, so I'm just giving up. Thanks for the advice, though.

Anonymous said...

I thought about this and I honestly think you don't have to stop being friends with WWWITW.

You should probably do different stuff with her like just invite her over to watch movies and go out with other people who like socializing/mingling as much as you do.

I only say this because I've had the same problem with a friend and I just stopped inviting her out dancing and the friendship continued and even improved after that.

Kaiser said...

Jess, I have a friend exactly like this, although in my case he is a cock-blocker and not a cooter-blocker. Great new phrase, btw. Anyway, you've heard the term "enabler". Well, all my friends call this particular guy "The Disabler" and it sounds like your friend has a touch of disabler to her, as well. Trust me, there's nothing that can be done with these people to change their disabling ways. DON'T use her as a wingwoman anymore, or at the very least, only in large groups where someone can distract her while you're working your dirty rocker boy de jour.


Kaiser said...

By the way, I don't think disablers consciously know they're disabling. It's like an autopilot setting. Or they sort of know they're doing it, but it there is some insecurity thing going on there that causes them to do it, and they just can't stop themselves. Not a good situation either way.

Jess said...

"The Disabler," huh? I like it! Believe me, I never intentionally use anyone as a wing person.

Regardless, there are times when you're out with friends and meet someone. I'll switch to wing woman mode for my friends in a heartbeat, should that happen (there've been times I've put a wedding ring in my pocket ... I'm not proud of it, but dammit, I'm helpful!). I guess some people just won't do that.

Chris, I don't plan on breaking up with her again. And I won't stop going out with her, either. There's too damn many bands coming up that we both want to see. I'll deal, I guess.