24 May 2007

I'm a jaded, cynical bitch with a heart of stone.

Or so it would seem. I found this while getting my daily dose of Jezebel. (By the way, I'm officially in love with Jezebel and want to have a million Jezebel and Jess babies.)

The Knot's list of 100 ways to pop the question is ... um ... hmmmm. Well, I'm not even half of the way through the list and I feel sick to my stomach, I shit you not. Maybe that gives you an idea.

Granted, I'm not the kind of girl who goes in for romantic gestures. I think they seem terribly contrived and beyond cheesy. Want to do something romantic for me? Clean my apartment. Go get the oil changed in my car. Clean the snow off my car. Is it weird that I would consider those things romantic gestures? Meh. They're all sweet things to do that make my life easier. I would much rather have that than a fucking candle-lit bubble bath for two.

If your sweetheart is a teacher, sneak into her classroom before school starts and write your proposal on the blackboard. Stay hiding in the coat closet or right outside the room for the moment she arrives!

Uh, it's not hiding if you're standing outside the door to her classroom waiting for her to come it. Though, that's better than lurking in the closet, I guess.

Stick a ring inside a clear balloon and blow it up. Then fill one entire room of your house with blown-up balloons to surprise your sweetie. Tell her she has to pop every single one until she finds something special inside.

Are you fucking kidding me? I wonder who is going to clean up the mess. I guess it does set you up for a lifetime of cleaning up after you husband.

Speaking of paths, turn off all the lights in your apartment and make a trail of candles that leads to a circle of votives positioned around a ring.

Ugh. I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Make her ring the surprise in a box of Cracker Jacks!

Years later, you'll all have a hearty laugh about the resulting trip to the emergency room. I promise!

Decorate your Christmas tree with lights and just one ornament -- a hanging box with a ring inside!

Right. He's going to decorate the tree all by himself. I'm sure she'll fall for that one hook, line and sinker.

Take your darlin' to the local Fourth of July fireworks show, and have someone announce your proposal before your whole town.

I'm can't possibly be the only person rooting for her to say "no" in these situations, am I?


Stacey said...

Those suggestions freak me the fuck out. I'm with you - clean the snow off my car, bring me coffee, or buy me a Cadbury egg just b/c you know I like them. :)

L'Austin Translation said...

I've always felt bad for those girls involved in public proposals. Could one be any more on the spot?

Thoughtfulness is agreeable and one thing but ostentatiousness is another.

Sarah said...

Romantic gestures are total crap. And mildly stalker-esque. And perhaps make me think the dude is trying to compensate for an utter lack of moral fiber, personality, or covering up his penchant for beating the crap out of a woman once he's got her roped in. You are not a jaded cynical bitch (or, alternately, maybe a bunch of us are and we should start a fuck romance club)... but I agree that in the fight between a houseful of goddamned baloons and an oil change, full tank of gas, and a vacuum... oh baby, oh baby, bring me a well-serviced car and I'm yours.
(this could be because I am the daughter of an auto mechanic... but I digress.)

The Knot is a damned creepy place on the internet. Period.

Anonymous said...

As a man, i'm glad to read this revolt by women against this sort of bullshit.

The very concept of a "surprise" proposal strikes me as wrong. It should be talked about, quite soberly, and that with all these sick accoutrements.

Why do 50% of all marriages end in divorce? Because of shit like this. Also, the cheating. But a solid 42% of the cheating is because of milquetoast bullshit like this.

Jess said...

Yay! I'm not alone. This makes me ever so happy. I often wonder if I'm more crazy than other women because I don't want the same things women are supposed to want.

Screw creepy romantic gestures. Practicality is where it's at. Complete with thoughtful (I'm not entirely sold on the "sober" part, though, BBM) discussions and whatnot.

kat said...

These are all vomit inducing suggestions. My brother-in-law actually did something similar to "Decorate your Christmas tree with lights and just one ornament -- a hanging box with a ring inside!". He put a bunch of ornaments on the tree and told my sister-in-law to look through them.

Cut to me gagging myself with a spoon.