26 February 2007

To Minneapolis.

To the City of Minneapolis: thanks for not towing all the assholes who parked on Lyndale during the snow emergency last night. Who wants to be able to park on the street, anyway?

To the assholes who didn't move their cars on my block last night: I hope you get towed next time and have to wait in line for several hours to get your car back.

To Pony Tail and Blackberry on the 4 this morning: You're no better, nor are you more important, than anyone else. Your bag does not deserve its own seat. The bus was crowded and you can hold your bag on your lap like the rest of us do so people can sit down. I hope the next time you have a really shitty morning or a horrible day at work and you just want to sit down on the bus and get home that everyone on your bus is as self-absorbed an asshole as you and won't move their shit so you can sit down.

To the older jerk who squeezed in next to me and forced me to spend the entire bus ride leaning: Here's a tip you should follow next time you're out on a booze and smokes bender -- BRUSH YOUR FUCKING TEETH IN THE MORNING. Jeebus H. Motherfucking Christ, that shit made my eyes water.

To the 6U driver: I ride your bus nearly every day. I'm always pleasant and say "Good morning" when I board and "Thank you" if I exit through the front of the bus. Today, the fuckers on my bus crowded the sidewalk and ambled leisurely, but I still managed to get to the door of your bus while the light was red. You looked at me and then took off. Fuck you. I hope you get stuck on a route frequented by juvenile deliquents.

To all the bastards who didn't shovel their sidewalks: I shouldn't need a pair of snowshoes to walk to the bus. I hope you contract an especially virulent strain of antibiotic-resistant gonnorrhea. Even you, Pizza Luce? You're a business for fuck's sake. I'm boycotting you.

Finally, to the guy who helped me extricate my car from the snow bank in which I was forced to park because I followed the snow emergency rules: You rule. That was a very nice thing to do and you made up for all the jerks listed above.


Anonymous said...

rYeah, the snow really does bring the community together. Even I laughed this morning on my way to bus because the snow plows plowed all the snow back onto the sidewalks where everyone had sucessfully shoveled it off the day before. It was funny in a sad, pathetic kind of way.

Jess said...

Yeah, the camaraderie is great. I'll do my best to spread the good karma I got this time around.

Stultify said...

Dear City of Minneapolis/St. Paul snowplows and shovelers,
I take the bus. It's good for the environment, reduces traffic congestion, and helps keep Metrotransit in business. Please don't make me regret my decision to ride by making me climb at 3 foot tall mountain of dirty, salty, wet snow to get on the bus in the morning. Starting the workday with soaking wet pants is not my idea of a good time. If you could coordinate the plowing/shoveling to avoid this problem I would much appreciate it. Many thanks.

Jeremy said...

You could have just as well written open letters to every self-absorbed dipshit I've ever encountered. They're in movie theaters, supermarkets, in the left lane on the freeway, and in countless homes raising another generation of their ill-mannered ilk. What can we do about it? I for one enjoy pissing and moaning about it and reading rantings from others doing the same. :-)

Jess said...

I second the bus thing, stultify. I climbed a three- to four-foot pile of snow to board a bus on Friday night. It was a thrilling adventure.

Jeremy, I write open letters to jerks all the time. It's what keeps me sane. Or, you know, less insane.