To the City of Minneapolis: thanks for not towing all the assholes who parked on Lyndale during the snow emergency last night. Who wants to be able to park on the street, anyway?
To the assholes who didn't move their cars on my block last night: I hope you get towed next time and have to wait in line for several hours to get your car back.
To Pony Tail and Blackberry on the 4 this morning: You're no better, nor are you more important, than anyone else. Your bag does not deserve its own seat. The bus was crowded and you can hold your bag on your lap like the rest of us do so people can sit down. I hope the next time you have a really shitty morning or a horrible day at work and you just want to sit down on the bus and get home that everyone on your bus is as self-absorbed an asshole as you and won't move their shit so you can sit down.
To the older jerk who squeezed in next to me and forced me to spend the entire bus ride leaning: Here's a tip you should follow next time you're out on a booze and smokes bender -- BRUSH YOUR FUCKING TEETH IN THE MORNING. Jeebus H. Motherfucking Christ, that shit made my eyes water.
To the 6U driver: I ride your bus nearly every day. I'm always pleasant and say "Good morning" when I board and "Thank you" if I exit through the front of the bus. Today, the fuckers on my bus crowded the sidewalk and ambled leisurely, but I still managed to get to the door of your bus while the light was red. You looked at me and then took off. Fuck you. I hope you get stuck on a route frequented by juvenile deliquents.
To all the bastards who didn't shovel their sidewalks: I shouldn't need a pair of snowshoes to walk to the bus. I hope you contract an especially virulent strain of antibiotic-resistant gonnorrhea. Even you, Pizza Luce? You're a business for fuck's sake. I'm boycotting you.
Finally, to the guy who helped me extricate my car from the snow bank in which I was forced to park because I followed the snow emergency rules: You rule. That was a very nice thing to do and you made up for all the jerks listed above.