08 January 2007

Crabby rant.

I don't really want to do this here, but I need to extract this crap from my brain before I go nuts. Malina isn't around today and I don't want to bother Carrie, because she's got enough shit to deal with at the moment. "Hey, I know your dad is having a tumor removed from his brain on Thursday, but could you just listen to me bitch about these petty things that are driving me nuts today? Thanks."

Still no transportation reimbursement check for me. Why is it that on the off chance I get the check in the last week of the month, I have to wait for the first of the month to cash it? But here I am a full week into January and I've got nothing. Our bookkeeper ran checks the last week in December and then on Thursday. But mine was not in the batch. She then went to the hospital to have her baby. I figure maybe I'll get it for February. And then I'm sure it'll all be a month off. Awesome! I dropped out of the flex plan for this year because I was sick of having money taken out of every paycheck and then paying out of pocket for my prescriptions and whatnot and then having to wait a month or two to get reimbursed.

I have no idea what possessed me to do it, but I decided to clean out my MySpace inbox an hour ago. Not long after I met Whatshisfuckingface, the messages he'd sent me on MySpace disappeared. Then, today, there they were in my inbox. Well, kind of. There were messages there saying "this profile has been deleted." Or no longer exists or whatever. But there was still a whole Friday afternoon's worth of empty messages there, mocking me. It's been more than six months and I'm still getting kicked in the gut. I should not be crying about this today. And yet, here I am.

Last night, Independence Day was on some channel and I ended up watching most of it. I looked it up on IMDB for some reason and was a little shocked to see it came out in 1996. That of course made me think of Cornelius, who I was dating at the time. I'd gone to see the movie with him. It took me a while to nail down the dates, but I realized that I broke up with him nearly seven years ago. And I still think about him and get mad about the way he treated me. Or, the way I allowed myself to be treated. Maybe I hold on to stuff for too long. It took me almost four years after breaking up with him to get to the point where I could really like anyone again, which was about as long as I was with him. That whole thing was with The OC and was a nonstarter. It has been so far anyway. But that got me to the point where I was able to let myself go a little more with Whatshisfuckingface. I know I was miserable a lot of the time with him. So, I don't know why I'm still upset that he's gone. For the most part, I've been just as happy, if not more so, with my life since he's been gone.

And now here I am again. Thinking I really should just completely take a break from even considering dating. Thinking I should take a big break from Booty Call Matt. A permanent break. That whole relationship is just a cop out. I can't deal with a real relationship, so I'll just have a really, really casual thing with some random guy. For more than two years. I suppose that kind of takes the "random guy" tag off of him.

Bah. I'm so tense. My shoulder feels like it's going to pop out of the socket at any moment. I think that actually makes me even more tense, which exacerbates the whole situation. I can't wait to get out of here and get to the gym. And then come home from the gym and drink some wine and watch football.

*deep breath* Tomorrow is another day.


Anonymous said...

I can totally relate to everything in this blog post! Especially the part about having the realization that it's been years since the breakup with the love of your life and you still think about that person. People don't tell you that it takes years to get over relationships. That people you love really affect you and you carry them with you forever. Somehow you're expected to go on? It's crazy! But you do go on. You will love again! You are beautiful, extremely smart, talented and funny! You are a fucking catch! You are every man's dream! Remember that! I hug you via cyberspace!!!

Jess said...

Thanks, Chris. The only thing is, he absolutely was NOT the love of my life. I don't even think I thought that right when I broke up with him. I never think good thoughts about him or look back fondly on our time together. I think it took me all that time to get over the bitterness and resentment. But I did it. Seriously, though. Thanks.