26 April 2006

Conflicted.

I feel like I'm going crazy. Whatshisfuckingface leaves in less than a month. I'm so angry at him. I'm devastated that he's leaving. I'm hurt that he doesn't think enough of me to stay. And at the same time as all of that, I miss him so much and want to see him so badly that it hurts.

This is quite confusing. But then again, who said love was easy? Oh, that's right: no one. It would be easy if I hated him. It would be easy if I was only angry. Okay, so maybe it wouldn't be easy. It sure as hell would be easier.

I feel sad that I'm actually looking forward to him leaving, if only so I can feel a sense of closure and can start moving on with my life. Then again, if he's coming back in October already, how much moving on can I accomplish in five months?

Thankfully, I should have a lot of stuff to keep me at least slightly occupied after he leaves. There are shows, holidays, stuff at home ... Honestly, the first month is all booked up on the weekends. That will be the toughest. At least, I think it will be the toughest. After going through the waiting-for-him-to-leave stage, it might actually be a relief.

Who knows? Certainly not me. I will in time, though, I guess.

25 April 2006

There's nothing like a trip to the MAC store.

As many times as I bitch about how much it sucks to be a girl, there are days like today that make me really happy that I am one. Earlier in the day I wasn't in the best of moods; mostly for reasons relating to being of the female persuasion. Go figure. However, I'd amassed six empty MAC containers and I needed to recycle them and get a new lipstick. I felt and looked like ass when I got off the bus and walked in to the store. At first, I thought I wasn't really going to get any help. But that all changed very quickly.

One of the problems I have when I go in to get a new, free lippie is that I have more MAC lipstick than I know what to do with at this point. When I'm left to my own devices, I start grabbing shades that I like, only to find out, "I already have that one." Lucky me, they had new shades in, so that problem was averted.

With a matching lip liner picked out, I decided to ask about the under-eye cover-up I'd bought a couple of weeks ago. The girl that helped me was so lovely. She found a new one for me, and proceeded to fix up the rest of my face as well. I'd noticed earlier that I was really dry and flakey. Who knows why. The changing weather? Walking around the lake in the wind yesterday? Too much Proactiv? Probably a combo of all three. Whatever the reason, she (I wish I knew her name!) spritzed me with a hydrating mist that felt lovely and put some Moistureblend foundation on me with the softest brush ever. It felt so good. And she was so sweet.

I truly felt like a new woman when I left. I spent $44 that I really shouldn't have. But I feel good, which is pretty important. I needed the pick-me-up because I won't be hitting yoga tonight. There are many errands to be run and I don't think I'll accomplish everything in the next hour and 20 minutes. Speaking of errands, I should be off.

24 April 2006

Strange.

I actually want to go to the gym tonight. I have no idea where this feeling came from or how long it will last. However, I do know that I really need to take full advantage of it.

I've been gradually getting back into working out regularly, initially to deal with stress about Whatshisfuckingface. The weather getting nicer and nicer has spurred me to walk around the lake a bit more often. The two years I spent in Mankato really made me see how great it was to live in Minneapolis. One of the things I missed so dearly was living close to Lake Calhoun and being able to walk around the lake instead of having to hop on the treadmill at the gym.

I mean when this is your view, how can you not want to spend as much time walking around the lake as humanly possible?



I really wish there was a yoga class tonight, but alas, I have to wait until tomorrow. A little cardio won't kill me. It's also nice that I've seen a fairly immediate result since I've been back at the gym. Not major results, mind you, but results all the same.

Perhaps having my iPod with a kickass gym playlist has helped with the motivation, too. Doesn't matter what the reasons are, though. I'm just thrilled to feel like I actually want to work out.

Another week.

Another Monday. Though, this one doesn't seem as awful as they usually do. It's odd that would be the case, because I have nothing to look forward to for a while now.

Last Monday, Carrie and I went to see South at the Varsity. We very nearly didn't go, as we were both tired (on a Monday no less ... makes for a very long week) and cranky. But we got all revved up after watching Oprah (yes, Oprah) do a show on the working poor. That's another blog entry for another day.

The show was excellent. Both opening bands were great, and that's a feat in and of itself. It's pretty rare that I go in not know anything about the opening band(s), and even more rare that I like them on the spot. It's always a nice change. Carrie was trying to be a good wingman after the show when I talked to Will, who isn't a member of the band, but collaborates and tours with them. Bless her heart. She tried.

On Thursday, we had tickets for Death Cab for Cutie and Franz Ferdinand. However, our crankiness and tiredness were even more pronounced by then and we decided not to go. I didn't want to waste the nearly $40 I spent on my ticket and Carrie suggested we go sell them. Duh. Sometimes I'm so dumb. We make $20 back on each ticket, so it wasn't a bad deal. After being accosted for directions by a carload of 16-year-old girls, I knew we'd made the right choice.

The next show on my radar is The Subways on May 11, I think. Hopefully I'll see something before that, but it's quite possible I won't. I've spent more than enough time and money on shows in the past couple of weeks. But it was well worth it.

16 April 2006

Busy, busy.


So many shows, so little time and money. I think I've made good choices. The Strokes and Eagles of Death Metal were excellent. The Stills were good and Elbow was once again the closest to a religious experience as I will ever have. Tomorrow night is South. Then Death Cab and Franz Ferdinand on Thursday. I love concert season!


It seems like it is church season, too. We went down to Rochester to go to Easter Mass with Sister Noreen at Assisi Heights today. Goodness, but there are a lot of old nuns there. We have a wedding on Saturday and then Kain's First Communion is the first weekend in May. I can't believe he's that age already. Where have the years gone?

Whatshisfuckingface is going to move to South Africa. This will be the first break-up I've gone through that wasn't because things weren't working. Life is all about timing, though, I guess. And the timing was just wrong for us. I'm having bad days and okay days. I'll get over him. It's just knowing that I have to deal with this and knowing how much it will hurt that is hanging over my head like a storm cloud.

10 April 2006

Ah, yes. This is why I love Minneapolis.

Lord almighty, what a lovely day today. It's still above 70 right now. The winters here are pretty rough, even when it isn't especially cold and snowy. It's the gray that gets to you. I couldn't even imagine living in Seattle. I'm enjoying a lovely gin and tonic right now. Too bad I'm not out on the deck, but it's getting dark out.

I went for a walk around Lake Calhoun yesterday in the morning and it was about halfway around the lake when the big reminder of why I live in Minneapolis hit me. If you can make it through the winter, the first few nice days of Spring are such a reward. It takes a few days to get over the winter habits, but I think after today, I'm cured. And then it'll all seem like a bad dream until ... October or so.

This is my first week of the big concert season. Yet another reason where I'm reminded that Minneapolis kicks so much ass. Tomorrow night I'm seeing The Strokes with Eagles of Death Metal. Friday night it's The Stills and Saturday is Elbow. I've been waiting so long for that show. I can't wait.

Thank God for this good weather. I found out yesterday that South Africa is a very real possibility yet for Whatshisfuckingface. Actually, in my mind, it's a done deal. He probably doesn't like that I'm treating the situation the way I am, but I've got to deal with it in my own way. Back in February when he went to visit the camp, I was a mess. This time, though, I am handling it much better. And I'm really not sure why.

Yeah, I'm going to be hurt. I'm beyond sad. And I'm even a little mad. But what can I do? This is his decision to make and it's something he feels like he has to do; he feels like this is what he's meant to do. Who am I to interfere with that? If it's meant to be, we'll both be single when he gets back. If not, it all happened for a reason. That's all I really have to hold on to at the moment.

But the weather is nice and I have shows to see, so my life doesn't seem completely hopeless.

06 April 2006

Charlie Murphy rode my bus today.

Okay, so it wasn't really Charlie Murphy, but the guy looked enough like him that it was all I could do to keep myself from yelling out, "Darkness!" at the top of my lungs.

I've been meaning to write about my bus driver for a while. The guy who drives the 6A that picks me up at 4:31 p.m. is awful. I'm astounded that I don't have whiplash after riding on Jerky McSlamonthebrakes's bus every day for a few weeks. Though, I probably shouldn't expect a whole lot from a guy who wears his Metro Transit cap about three sizes too small.

I finally figured that I would write about him tonight and wouldn't you know it, he wasn't driving. We were almost all the way downtown when I realized that I hadn't been jerked around in my seat once during the ride. I hope the woman who was driving today drives more often.

The bus was packed today. Partly due to the rain, I'm sure. And partly due to the fact that the bus I took was running late. I grabbed the 4F because, hey, it was pouring rain and the bus was there. I should have waited a few minutes and just taken the 4C. It pulled up right behind the bus I rode right as I was getting off at my stop. Meh. What are you gonna do? I got home just fine.

04 April 2006

Twins baseball!

It's the top of the sixth and the Twins are down 3-1. Supernatural looked really good early on, but he gave up a few big hits in the fourth. But it's okay. It's the first game. And at least he's not doing what Barry Zito did last night. Yikes! I watched that game partly because I was itching for some baseball and partly because I think Barry Zito is freakin' hot. He is a Republican, but hey. It's not like I'm going to date him or anything. He's just nice to look at.

So, I should really be in a good mood because it was gorgeous today. The Twins are playing. And ... I'm sure there are other reasons, but at the moment I can't remember them. 'Cause I'm crabby now.

I had a call from my aunt toward the end of the work day. It seems that she and my uncle are going to take their son out of town this weekend and their daughter will be staying in town. And I had said more than a month ago that I would stay with her while they were gone. However, my aunt had also told me that she'd let me know for sure within a week or so. With all the stuff that had been going on, I'd kind of forgotten about it. Actually, my mom just reminded me of it over the weekend. But I'd not heard anything from my aunt, so I figured that the whole family was going to go away for the weekend.

For some reason, this whole thing made me crabby. I think it is mainly because I was hoping that Whatshisfuckingface would be home and I could spend Saturday night with him. Quite frankly, I should know better. I know that's not going to happen. Shit, I don't even know when he comes home from Florida. The possibility is gone, though. I'd also made tentative plans with some friends to go to a swanky hip hop club Downtown, too. I didn't really want to go, again, because of the potential of the Whatshisfuckingface thing. Though, that kind of place just is not my scene any longer. It astounds me that I would go to places like that every weekend five or six years ago. I may not have even gone. I might have just stayed home and done nothing, and I guess just having the option taken away from me is what's making me cranky.

But I said I would do it. This is family. Plus, I'll be saving money instead of spending it on expensive drinks and ridiculous cover charges.

Johan just got pulled. But the Twins are only down 4-1 in the sixth (I think it's the sixth). That's a totally doable comeback right there.

I'm going to see Maria Taylor and Mates of State tomorrow at the Varsity Theater in Dinkytown. That is fast becoming one of my favorite venues in the city. It's beautiful inside and the sound is excellent. I'm going to the show with a friend of Girl Chris. She seems nice. I've barely gotten a chance to know her, so this will be a good opportunity for that. Maybe I'll have a new show friend. The weekend is still having an effect on me, so I'm tired all day at work and so I'm kind of ... blah ... about going to the show. But if I go, I'll have a good time. It's just a matter of getting there.

03 April 2006

Adventures in small town Minnesota.

Oh, what a weekend I had. The shows went over very well. I even had fun doing them. Though, by the 7:00 show last night it was really tough getting pumped up to go out on stage. The butterflies settled down more with every show. So that was good.

After the show Friday night I went out with my friends Kate and Chrisy to celebrate our birthdays. Because I'm a scatterbrained idiot, I managed to forget their presents at home. Now, I get to put them in the mail ASAP. We were going to go jagging (aka roading: driving around country roads and drinking). However, those two didn't leave the show early enough to get to the liquor store for beer. And neither of their parents had beer (this is astounding information coming from a bunch of borderline alcoholics). The only beer we had at the house was for the mini-party on Saturday. We eventually scored some beer from Kate's sister and then decided to head to Jamie's Pub, which is situated in the town (and I use that term loosely) of Pemberton, population 246. There are no cops in Pemberton, and since the cops in Janesville are major assholes, we decided to stay out of there.

Apparently, several of the patrons (who we knew, anyway) at Jamie's had been drinking for several hours. One was sitting (and swaying) at the bar eating pizza and drinking a glass of milk. An older guy with this group wasn't really talking, and when he did, he didn't make any sense at all. Seriously, I thought he was maybe mildly, or more than mildly, retarded. Turns out he was so fucking drunk, all he could do was string together random words while staring at your chest. I'm amazed that I didn't see him drooling. Two of the other guys in the group were coherent. Well, relative to their companions. Another one wasn't too bad until later. Lucky me, I somehow got sucked into playing pool with this guy.

I suck at pool. My seven-year-old nephew has beaten me at pool. I mentioned this several times, but it fell on drunk ears. My partner turned into Gropey McWanderinghands after I hit my first shot. I'm not sure I ever hit another one, but I digress. What started as a pat on the back after I hit this shot turned into a little game of grabass. He said, "You have a nice ass." Hahahahahahahaha. Like I said, the guy was drunk. After a missed shot, a move that started as an arm around the shoulder to console me for missing (yeah, 'cause I was totally gutted) ended up in full on groping. Thankfully, I was able to stop it just by pushing his arm away and saying, "Hey, watch it."

We made our first attempt to leave then. I got my first-ever to-go cup for my fresh gin and tonic. For some reason or another, we ended up staying. There was a guy there with a fantastic mullet. I tried to get a picture, but I was trying to be sly about it, and I didn't get a good one. It's too bad, because that guy was totally rocking the look.

Of course, very few trips to the bar when I'm at home end without someone remarking on the fact that I have huge tits. Ol' Gropey apparently couldn't let me leave without telling me, "I like your breasts." Um, thanks? It's fine when a girl tells me I have nice boobs. Well, there was that episode with the woman in the Aveda store in Southdale that was mildly uncomfortable. But for the most part, it's cool to hear from a girl. I like it when Tom tells me he loves them. But he's got an up-close-and-personal relationship with them. I never, ever know what to say when some drunk idiot tells me, "You have really big boobs." Sometimes I muster an "Um, thanks?" Most of the time I really, really want to be a bitch and just rail on them. However, I can't bring myself to berate a drunk moron most of the time. Though, I have been know to go on a mini-tirade that's chock-full of sarcasm.

Honestly, I really need a good response to that. Maybe I'll ask the football boys for suggestions.

I did have a good time with my girlfriends, though, even through the slobbering, gropey, leering drunks. It's always good to see them. Saturday night was pretty low-key. My brother, sister and I were home by 1:00. It was just an all-in-all exhausting weekend.

I heard from several people after the shows, both from fellow cast members and showgoers, that they had no idea I could sing. Or they had heard me before, but didn't know I could "sing like that." I'm not really sure what that means. I didn't think I sounded any different than I ever do, but I guess some of these people have only heard me at weddings and funerals. Or if they have heard me elsewhere, my voice has matured a lot. Anyway, it was a nice little ego boost. I hope it's another few years before they decide to do this again.

As always, it was really settling to get back to Minneapolis and sleep in my own bed. I always feel a little rattled after being home for more than a night.

02 April 2006

Tired, yet wired.

I've had an exhausting weekend and I need to go to bed. However, as tired as I am, I am pretty wound up. I suppose it is due to having to get pepped up to sing one last time and then get right in the car and drive back to Minneapolis in the rain.

Hopefully I'll calm down pretty soon, 'cause I want to sleep.