04 May 2006

How could he have been good at his job?

While I was getting ready for bed last night or getting ready for work this morning, I started thinking about Whatshisfuckingface and how he's handling our situation. Or, rather, not handling it. First of all, I'm mildly concerned that I can't remember exactly when these thoughts came to me. I know I was in the bathroom in front of the sink and mirror, though. It was probably this morning. Secondly, it bothers me that I'm still spending so much time going over all of this in my mind. I guess it just takes time to get over someone, even when you know it's for the best. Sadly, I think this won't really end until he leaves. For some reason, I think knowing he's gone will help me a great deal.

I was thinking about Whatshisfuckingface and how I called him on Monday to talk about whether we would see each other before he left. It is now Thursday and I haven't heard a word from him. Now, I know full well this is an unpleasant situation. It isn't easy to know you're hurting someone; to know you're breaking her heart. And it isn't easy to face her, or really even to talk to her when you know she is angry at you. However, if you have any sort of balls at all, you know it's the right thing to do and that you should talk to her.

Now, while I was thinking about this, a conversation I had with Whatshisfuckingface popped into my head. It was early in the relationship. I believe he was in Dallas conducting a training. He was telling me about this book that was the basis of the training. The book dealt with having difficult conversations. I distinctly remember him asking me if I thought I could do that kind of thing. And I told him that while I wouldn't look to have a difficult conversation with someone, if I knew it had to be done, I could suck it up and do it. It seemed to me he asked this question kind of pointedly. And I admit I'm nonconfrontational and really passive-aggressive. But with Whatshisfuckingface, I've really tried very hard to communicate and be very open. It's a new thing for me, and it's not easy.

As I think more about this, I am more sure it was this morning that I had this ... revelation, I guess. It occurred to me that as a leadership consultant, Whatshisfuckingface had to train people to have these difficult, painful conversations for the good of their organization. He also worked directly with organizations and had to have difficult conversations with them about their leadership or direction or whatever the hell it was he was doing with them.

So, why is it that he can't have difficult conversations in his personal life? He obviously knows how to do it. He has the tools. Is it a case of "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach."? Is it hard for him because he has a stake in the situation or relationship? Is it because he's not getting paid?

Quite frankly, I'm baffled. And I'll never get an answer, because he can't return a fucking phone call.

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